I need a vacation from so many things... And to start writing again. But every time I start a post, I can't seem to finish it. Bummer.

Lost

So.. Here I am. Waiting. It seems like all I'm good for is waiting. There are so many things going through my head that it constantly hurts. My husband and I are at an odd place and a lot of it is my unwillingness to speak. .. And his unwillingness to hear me. I'm a bit lost because I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do and it's this aching feeling of "must do something!!!" But there's nothing I can do. I can't make my situation different because I can't change my husbands mind. So I have to change... But that just makes me mad. Because I don't want to give up having a bigger family, I want to make us whole.. He just doesn't see that.  Or feel that. The most amazing thing I've ever done is make a baby. The best I've ever felt is when I was pregnant with her. I'm so in awe of who we made... We made a little person! And this tiny human, with all of her blonde hair and blue eyes, her smiles and the adorable way she crinkles up her nose in pictures.. Her laugh is so contagious, she is such a joyful child, and even in her bad days I still see the miracle she is. I want that again. I want another sweet angel to snuggle... I want to spread the love. But I'm being made to feel like I'm not allowed... And it's tearing me up inside to think of what this might mean. 

I've talked briefly to my therapist about this, and I'm sure in my next session we will go into it deeper. She says my husband and I need to have many more in depth discussions about it.. To figure out why he really doesn't want to have another baby. But I know my husband.. The more we talk about something, when nothing's changed with the situation, he gets angry and frustrated and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Ever. So something has to change... And as always it has to be me.

And I'm done

... second cycle of 100mg Clomid, it worked but there's no chance for me this cycle. Beyond anything, hubby has decided he's to stressed by actually trying and wants to go to a if it happens it happens.. pull the goalie thing. Hate to tell you hun, I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN anymore. If I don't take meds, there's no chance at all. He doesn't seem to care. He says we have one and I should be happy with that. But I'm not. I know there are people out there who don't have any children.. and I may be being selfish, but darn it I want another baby. I'm not happy, I feel there's a void in our lives, in our family. I need to be proactive about it, I cannot just let it happen. Because then it won't. I'm so stressed out about it all.. even though I'm trying not to be because I know the stress doesn't help. Still not having the best luck losing weight, on top of weird cycles, mixed with extra hormones I don't need make for a really bad combo when trying to get pregnant. So I guess I'm done. I get one more round of Clomid, and probably won't even get to baby dance around the time I'm need to bc hubby is being a stubborn butt. When we met we both wanted 2-4 kids.. then after Abi he wanted 1... just her... and it's taken me this long to talk him into trying for another... But now he doesn't want to try.. and I'm so frustrated and angry and I just want to be pregnant already... :-(

Success.. A little

Well.. It would appear that last cycle worked, and I actually ovulated. Which is good... But we are not pregnant so on to the next cycle. I am ordering some supplements for this round, as well as stocking up on less expensive ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests. Mostly because I am addicted to peeing on them. Sad. True.
I'm still working on getting healthier, tho it's not going too well. I'm just not able to kick the coffee and sweets. My comfort foods.. Especially now. There have been so many times recently that I just wanted to text or call my mom... And when I realize I can't I just lose it. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And it sucks. Mom's birthday is this Friday. We are taking my step dad to dinner, but it's just going to feel wrong without mom.

Snails pace

Things are not going the way I had hoped they would. I'm not sure clomid is going to work for me. Which begs the question, what next? I know there are a few other meds I can try, metformin for one. But I'll likely have to stop my other meds for a few months while I start that.. There's another med that takes the place of clomid, letrozole I believe.. It hasn't been approved by the fda for infertility as it has negative side effects on a pregnancy. But it's supposed to be out of the system by the time I'd get pregnant so it shouldn't be an issue. I don't know what route my dr will go. I'm thinking if this round doesn't work, that I'm going to take a few months to try to lose some weight  and try again around Christmas. And it will all have to be under hubby's radar bc he's been getting some anxiety and not wanting to do the deed so to speak. 

Speaking of losing weight... If I don't end up getting lucky this cycle, I'm starting shakeology and the 21 day fix through beach body. I have a friend who is a coach and he and his wife have had amazing results!! So I'm hoping this might be the something different to kick start my weight loss. We will see. 

Cycle two

So moving on to cycle two of the provera and clomid.. Just finished the last provera now just waiting on dear old Aunt Flo to come calling... Sigh.. All this waiting around.. I've been trying to be proactive about becoming healthier, but that is harder than it sounds. I've developed quite a few bad habits (such as eating too much fast food) since having Abi and I'm finding it hard to break them.. Very hard. I don't know why exactly, I was able to do it before.. Why can't I just not eat the crap now? Well actually I know why.. I'm addicted to the ease of it, Im lazy and don't want to cook and I really don't want to eat plain boring oatmeal every day for breakfast. I have to keep trying though because I think it's the only way I'll have another baby... plus I've got a future of diabetes hanging over my head if I don't shape up. Grrrrrrrr why is it so difficult to lose weight!??

Waiting...

I hate waiting. Just sitting around trying to live my life while waiting for so much to happen. Waiting to ovulate, to start my period.. To get pregnant.. Just waiting. Well, this cycle of Clomid failed, which I'm not surprised by after reading that many women don't ovulate on it the first cycle and have to have the dose increased. And now I'm waiting to be a week "late" .. Then I can call my dr and get on with starting my next cycle, I hope. I don't know if she'll do more blood work, or need to see me and check my temperature chart or what. I was never told the next step. And that's frustrating because I'm a planner and I don't like not knowing what's coming. Ugh. Im Trying not to stress out over any of this, because I know that will make things worse. I don't even know where I want this post to go, I'm just ... Tired. 

One Week

One week ago, tomorrow, I started a journey that I've been fearing. I began taking a pill that is intended to force my body to have a period... since I wasn't having any. Then, if that works, hopefully another pill that I will start to take will make me ovulate.. And I'm sure you know what that means. And I'm scared shitless that this won't work. My OB/GYN dove straight into medications, without a lot of investigation into why I'm not ovulating and having regular periods. And that scares me too. And I know that I've got one child and I should be happy with that..  (I love my daughter!!!!) I'm just freaked out right now. I've got several friends dealing with infertility, for several years now.. and I know I can't put myself in that category but I'm afraid someday I'll have to.

I Had a Feeling

So ever since hubby and I decided we were going to try for another baby, I had this feeling something was wrong. Hubby said he was on board, but then I went to the dr... since my cycles are so wonky, my dr wants to put me on Clomid to help me ovulate and when I told hubby that, things got weird. I had a feeling he wasn't too fond of the idea, and tonight he finally came clean. He says that since we were able to get pregnant before, there's no reason to go on medication. And not only that, he thinks that once we have a second kid, we will wish we only had one again.. that it will be a huge mistake to have another one. Wait, what!!?!?!? Yet he says that he's still on board with having another baby, he's just not as excited as I am. I am at a loss. I explained why the medication was something I wanted to go forward with. That it will increase our chances of getting pregnant sooner (afterall if I only ovulate every 3 or 4 months that's only 3 or 4 chances a YEAR to get pregnant, and I don't like those odds) then he throws in my face that I didn't want to go on hormonal birth control, but I'll take clomid to get pregnant. So I explained how taking a hormone 3 our of every 4 weeks for years on end is entirely different from taking a hormone for 5 days every month for a maximum of 6 months. Very different. I get the feeling he doesn't want to do this, that once I'm on meds and I know I'm ovulating he's going to give me a bunch of excuses on why we can't have sex right then. Because I don't think he really wants another baby, even though he says he's "on board with trying"... that's not the same thing as wanting another kid. He's got me a little confused and now I'm not quite sure what to do. I know what I want, but I'm not sure I want to put the stress on our relationship of trying/wanting/pushing for another baby when hubby doesn't really want one. He said he'll never "want more kids" the way I do and I'm wondering if he really means he doesn't want more. Period. When we first got together we both expressed a desire to have 2 to 4 kids. I know people change and ideals and opinions change, but dang if I had known back then that he wouldn't even want 2....I don't know... maybe I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I don't know what to think right now.  I can't force him, I wouldn't want to anyway. But if we have another baby, one he doesn't really want.. he's going to be even less involved than he is now. (part of that is that he's the main provider for the family and he works a lot..) but I am going to need his help so much more than ever and I just wonder if his heart isn't in it now.. if it will ever change, even after the baby is born. I had an epihany earlier and I hesitate to put this out into the universe, but... my husband kind of puts a damper on all of my excitements. Anything I get excited over, he has to tell me something bad about it. I never really realized it but he's a very negative person. Well, I'm sure I knew it deep down, but I don't think I put a true name to it. He's majorly pessimistic when it comes to a lot of things. So he's only thinking about all the negatives of having another baby. More money, more worry, more poop, more diapers, less free time, the kids won't play together, he doesn't want a boy (because he was a very bad kid and he's afraid our boy would be just like him) if we have a boy he and Abi will never play together, and on and on and on with the negativity. I was always told I was a very negative person, but geeze-o-man my husband takes the prize for most negative. I hate thinking about him that way, because I truly do love my hubby and I know he loves me too. It's hard to change a bad habit that is so ingrained, and I know that. But I just wish I knew what to do next...

issues..

So there comes a time when being ignorant is such a blessing.. but then when you see the truth, or are on a path to finding the truth, and it becomes terrifying. Let me preface this with a TMI warning, it deals with girly things so I'll understand if you don't want to continue on...

I have had irregular cycles my entire life. Even when I was thin. i remember once in high school I went 180 days then 188 days between periods. I was a healthy weight, eating okay, excercising etc. Also not pregnant. They aren't always that spaced out, and after having Abi they were pretty regular until i had the IUD placed (at which point all I did was bleed/spot) So after having my IUD removed, I found it refreshing to only have a period once a month. But, that only happend twice.. then nothing. From December 11th until April 11th. That's a long time! And we weren't "trying" for a baby, so it didn't bother me as much. But now we've decided to actually try .. and there's a problem. If I'm not ovulating, there won't be a chance to have that baby. Today I went to my Dr and she had me get some blood work done to make sure my hormones are within normal limits. If they are, I'll be starting Clomid. I am not looking forward to either things, but the Clomid would be better than a totally messed up hormonal panel. Because I don't know what would happen at that point, as we didn't even discuss it. So now I wait for a phone call to tell me potentially what my next step is. I'm on CD 11, and things are looking promising.. but I'm not holding my breath. Not yet. I never thought as a teenager or even young adult that I should get things checked out then (hormones etc) to figure out my ireegular cycles. I just went on birth control and that "fixed" it. But now.. now I'm wishing I had gotten all that taken care of ages ago because I'm so much older.. and there's a ticking clock because baby or not, at 35 I am done. After 35 you become high risk, advanced maternal age.. increased Downs risk... nope, sorry, not gonna roll those dice. If I can try to prevent it, I will. So if there's no baby by then, I'm hoping hubby will be open to adoption. I'm not even sure how on board he is with all this.. HIs attitude is "well, we already have one. So at least we have one." And that's not how I'm looking at it.

There will never be another one quite like you...

I'm still reeling over the loss of my mom. There are good days and bad days and then really bad days. The days that tend to be really bad are the ones I'm not working and Abi is in daycare.. and hubby is at work. Being alone is definitely the hardest, but I've been able to get through alright. Hubby is very understanding (even though he and mom didn't exactly see eye to eye, he respected her as a person and as my mother.) And of course he doesn't like to see me in pain of any kind. I've been diving into memories and trying to stay away from the what ifs and the things Abi will be missing out on.. she still doesn't get it really. It's incredibly hard to hear her play and say "barbie passed away" or have her call grandma on her pretend phone and say "grandma passed away but she'll be back later" I mean, she's three, I know she won't fully comprehend for some time.. it's still just really hard. 

My mom and I had our differences, and we were finally working through them and getting to a good place in our relationship. I cannot believe that both my parents are gone. .. It's been a while since dad died (suddenly) and so I'm able to deal with that pain a little better, obviously. But I'm only 31 I shouldn't be mourning both my parents. There's so much more that goes along with this, and when I am able I will write more but for now I think that this is all I can handle on this topic...

On a brighter note... I have an OB/GYN appt next week to try to figure out a game plan and get my cycle back to normal because.. Hubby is FINALLY on board with trying for number 2!!!!!! Like legitimately trying! Woohooo!!

RIP

One week from my baby's third birthday .. God unexpectedly called my mom home to heaven. I was not ready for this... I am in shock and denial and I just want to wake up from this nightmare. My mom was only 53.. We had so much we wanted to do, I had so many more questions to ask her... Now there's so much left unanswered, the only planing is a funeral.. I'm taping pictures of happier days on a poster board and wishing I could turn back the clock to those days.

Abi is 3.. wait, what??

You read that right, my baby is THREE years old! Holy cow! I am so confused as to how in the world three years have passed since my baby came into this world. But I may be in denial a little bit, so moving on, lol.

Hubby and I both had her birthday off, so we planned to take her to a COSI like place called Imagination Station. If you don't know what that is, they have tons of educational sciency areas/exhibits and it's all based around having fun but learning at the same time. It's pretty cool, and the few times I've taken Abi before she's loved it. Well, they're closed on Mondays, and we didn't find out until Monday morning before we were getting ready to leave. SO then we decided to take her to the Zoo's new aquarium because it was supposed to have opened back in February. Nope. Got all the way there and found out they changed the opening to today. GRRRR. So we took Abi to a pet store. Yup. One with fish and birds, a bunny and ferrets. She got to look around and ooh and aah over the animals for a bit, which she actually really enjoyed. Then we went to lunch, where they brought her a birthday sundae and she had her first ever experience with the waitstaff singing happy birthday. She was stoked! We had blown up a bunch of balloons for her so when we got home we had a big balloon fight in the living room and just spent the day enjoying each others company. With as much as we wanted to do and couldn't, she still had an awesome birthday. We sang happy birthday to her periodically throughout the day and she just loved that. Then at bed time she asked "what's tomorrow going to be?" I said.. "Tuesday" her response? "Oh.. no, it's gonna be my birthday number 2!!" Hehe.. that girl! :)

Some shots from her 3 year pictures.

I love this little girl more than anything!

And for a little comparison.. Abi at 1 year old, and Abi at 3! 

Changes..

There has been a lot going on lately. Not all of it good, and mostly I've just been crying. So since I lost my job at the big hospital, I've been hired at a small women's clinic to do ultrasounds 2 times a week. I've been volunteering there since September and they want an RDMS on staff to make them even more legitimate. Since we're pro life, a lot of the pro choice groups want to shut places like us down. So having registered sonographers and licensed nurses on staff help us to prove we're not just a "fake clinic". I love the people there, everyone is so kind and compassionate and I love the work we do. It's very powerful to watch a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, see her baby for the first time and make the decision for life. We don't force any decision, we give info on adoption and abortion as well. We like to show truth; truth of what's going on inside her body, truth in the processes of adoption and abortion, truth in all a woman's options. Of course, we want her to choose life, but we will not force her or pressure her because no matter what path she chooses we want to help her through the process and gain her trust so that she will want to come back if she ever needs anything in the future. I feel like God has led me to this organization to bring me back to my spirituality, to find my faith again. ..

So we move on to the crying... Our daughter attends a daycare 3 days a week. During those days I'm supposed to be able to go on interviews, have dr. appointments and clean house. It's also a break for me from the terrible threes my daughter has entered. Hubby hates daycare and I truly believe he thinks I should be a full time stay at home mom. I'm not at all the type of person who wants or could even handle being a stay at home mom. And I hate admitting it, and it's not like I don't love my daughter because I do. I just feel that for me to be the best mom I can be I need to work, to get out of the house and away from that particular responsibility and recharge myself. But I digress.. our daycare is a big name one and they have several centers in region. Well, recently one of the centers (the only one with a male employee) has had an employee arrested for rape. We've never been to this center, but just because it carries the same name my husband immediately says he wants to pull Abi out of daycare. He says he's never trusted anyone else and now that the daycare has proven they cannot provide for a safe environment he wants to take her out... says she doesn't "need" to be in daycare. He is the sole provider for our family, I don't make enough to sustain us so if I quit or lose my job it's "no big deal." I trust the ladies at our center, I like them and I believe they are doing everything in their power to provide a safe, fun, educational environment for Abi. SO yesterday we had an argument over all of this. And now I've lost any chance of having another baby because hubby doesn't want to "worry about another one this much".. We finally came to the conclusion that I can keep her in daycare, assuming I trust them, hubby trusts me. But this was after many tears and a lot of talking.. and I'm still not happy with the results. Basically if anything happens to Abi now, hubby will fully blame me.. talk about pressure. Now I question every decision I've ever made. I'm second guessing daycare and everyone there... And it just... sucks. How do I balance what is good and right for me with what is good and right for Abi? I don't want to put my needs above hers, but to be a good mother I do need certain things.. I have to be healthy in order to have a healthy family. I don't think hubby realizes that. I get that he's worried about Abi and her safety, so am I. But my mental health matters too. Doesn't it?

Update in progress

Looking to update the look of my blog.. it's been a while. But I'm running out of time, so please bare with me until I have a few extra moments to actually play with it more. :)~

When a door closes, God opens a window

And my widow opens to another job opportunity. Amazingly, the clinic where I have been volunteering is now hiring for an RDMS (registered diagnostic medical sonographer, which I am) to fulfill their "medical services manager" position. I haven't heard of this before, so I'm thinking it's a new position created to alleviate some of the stress from the nurse manager. I interview tomorrow and I cannot tell you how excited I am! I love volunteering there and I just have to keep my fingers crossed that they will hire me. It will be awkward if they don't.. to have to answer to someone else who hasn't been there, who doesn't know the protocols or people. I don't plan on not volunteering anymore, I'll just have to pray for the patience to wait my turn at another job. Hubby really thinks I have a good shot at this job, but I'm not quite as confident. I want it, but that doesn't mean they want me to fill it. I'll find out tomorrow. Wish me luck!

So.. I lost my job...

Yeah, I got a phone call today from my department manager.. I'm apparently not progressing as fast as they think I should be, so they terminated my employment.. Without so much as a warning, or anything. I mean, I knew they could terminate without any reason, but I had hoped they would have at least given me the chance to bet better before just letting me go. I am so sick over all this. Where do I go from here? Who will hire me in my field if I've been fired? Even if it was for nothing, no one will want to hire me now. The job market is so scarce around here, I have had enough trouble finding a job, let alone with this riding over my head. I am wondering if this is something I am able to do.. If ultrasound is really something I want to do. I mean, I enjoy scanning OB, but I'm finding I don't really like anything else. Unfortunately there's no way to get into full time OB without a shitton of experience.. Can't get that without doing all the rest. But can I wade through it all to get to where I want to be, or is it all for naught? I just don't know... I don't know anything anymore.

Update

So I started my new job Monday, yay! But so far I've just been in orientation and then training on our brand new machines (they are awesome!) Today I week start scanning patients and I'm so excited!

I'm on day 51 of my cycle... I have no idea what's going on... I don't know if I should bring it up to my dr or just let it go since w aren't officially "trying" yet... so does it matter? Depends on who you ask... ugh.

Nothing yet..

Grr... there are so many things going through my head right now I don't know where to begin. I finally got my start date for my new job, I've been a poas addict with all BFN's (even longer story here, the short version is I'm not sure I've ovulated yet which means all that testing is for nothing.. I'm not sure right now is the best time for a baby anyway.. I was scanning myself (ultrasound) and it looks like my ovaries are enlarged, which could mean potential PCOS. I don't even want to go there... )