There has been a lot going on lately. Not all of it good, and mostly I've just been crying. So since I lost my job at the big hospital, I've been hired at a small women's clinic to do ultrasounds 2 times a week. I've been volunteering there since September and they want an RDMS on staff to make them even more legitimate. Since we're pro life, a lot of the pro choice groups want to shut places like us down. So having registered sonographers and licensed nurses on staff help us to prove we're not just a "fake clinic". I love the people there, everyone is so kind and compassionate and I love the work we do. It's very powerful to watch a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, see her baby for the first time and make the decision for life. We don't force any decision, we give info on adoption and abortion as well. We like to show truth; truth of what's going on inside her body, truth in the processes of adoption and abortion, truth in all a woman's options. Of course, we want her to choose life, but we will not force her or pressure her because no matter what path she chooses we want to help her through the process and gain her trust so that she will want to come back if she ever needs anything in the future. I feel like God has led me to this organization to bring me back to my spirituality, to find my faith again. ..
So we move on to the crying... Our daughter attends a daycare 3 days a week. During those days I'm supposed to be able to go on interviews, have dr. appointments and clean house. It's also a break for me from the terrible threes my daughter has entered. Hubby hates daycare and I truly believe he thinks I should be a full time stay at home mom. I'm not at all the type of person who wants or could even handle being a stay at home mom. And I hate admitting it, and it's not like I don't love my daughter because I do. I just feel that for me to be the best mom I can be I need to work, to get out of the house and away from that particular responsibility and recharge myself. But I digress.. our daycare is a big name one and they have several centers in region. Well, recently one of the centers (the only one with a male employee) has had an employee arrested for rape. We've never been to this center, but just because it carries the same name my husband immediately says he wants to pull Abi out of daycare. He says he's never trusted anyone else and now that the daycare has proven they cannot provide for a safe environment he wants to take her out... says she doesn't "need" to be in daycare. He is the sole provider for our family, I don't make enough to sustain us so if I quit or lose my job it's "no big deal." I trust the ladies at our center, I like them and I believe they are doing everything in their power to provide a safe, fun, educational environment for Abi. SO yesterday we had an argument over all of this. And now I've lost any chance of having another baby because hubby doesn't want to "worry about another one this much".. We finally came to the conclusion that I can keep her in daycare, assuming I trust them, hubby trusts me. But this was after many tears and a lot of talking.. and I'm still not happy with the results. Basically if anything happens to Abi now, hubby will fully blame me.. talk about pressure. Now I question every decision I've ever made. I'm second guessing daycare and everyone there... And it just... sucks. How do I balance what is good and right for me with what is good and right for Abi? I don't want to put my needs above hers, but to be a good mother I do need certain things.. I have to be healthy in order to have a healthy family. I don't think hubby realizes that. I get that he's worried about Abi and her safety, so am I. But my mental health matters too. Doesn't it?
Oh, honey! I can see it from both your perspective and your husband's... I am the LEAST trusting person in the world (I feel like) and therefore, I tend to agree with your hubs when it comes to my kids. HOWEVER, staying at home is literally hard (as shit) and so incredibly draining. My husband and I talk about me getting a "big girl job" and being the provider and him staying home - he says he would love that.
ReplyDeleteNow, second thing. Molly (2nd babe) was sleeping HORRIBLE in the newborn phase until we realized she loved sleeping on her belly. Despite ALL the (overwhelming) information stating why we SHOULD NOT sleep her on her belly, we were literally at our wits end. So we talked about it. And talked about it. And talked about it. I was the one losing the most sleep and worrying over everything so much but I didn't want to make the decision because what if something happened to her? It would be all my fault. I talked to my Aunt (who is in the medical field - a pharmacist & so is her husband) and she said she slept her kids on their belly. She said me and Tony would HAVE to make the decision mutually and be all in. Otherwise, if something were to happen, the blame game would take place. SO... to make a long story short - you guys have to actually agree and see eye to eye on this subject. And honestly, it takes a level of trust of each other and of the day care staff. Obviously we can't micromanage every one/thing and we have to take chances... I recently read "grief is the price we pay for love" and damn if that's not so true. (Grief as in the informal definition of "trouble or annoyance.")
And I'm so sorry about your husband's feelings on baby #2 at the moment. I hope you guys can work out a plan on that as well.
YOUR MENTAL HEALTH ABSOLUTELY MATTERS! And bravo to you for knowing yourself and your limits. There is no reason to push yourself beyond those limits, dear. Seriously. Been there and I never thought I'd come back from it. Hang in there.
BTW - to expand - being a stay at home mom does not gratify me. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. I am not good at it. We survive and sometimes we thrive but I do what I can, when I can, and try not to overwhelm myself. Ehh... maybe I will get my shit together some day and be able to manage myself, a home, and some very young and needy kids... but maybe I won't. Who knows. Just wanted to let you know what I meant by feeling overwhelmed since I didn't really expand on that. XO
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound awful it sounds exactly how I feel. and until recently I thought that it was because I'm a bad mother, but I know I'm not... And it's not like we don't love our children, we do. And that's why we need to realize that doing something other than parenting once in a while is helpful for us. There's so much more to this story... Like we have literally no one to help us, which is why Abi is in daycare. No family we trust, no friends ... I'm so alone outside of my little family.. And that makes things 100x harder for me. I was a social butterfly until I had Abi, and it's not her fault I'm so secluded It just happened to be the time everyone left me. Single friends disappeared, married friends had their own kids etc. since I haven't been working I haven't had a chance to make new friends (until recently) but they work with me and so can't babysit... Ugh it's just a frustrating, never ending cycle.
Delete