I'm down hurray!

I'm down 5 more lbs! Hurray! Now if I can just keep losing I'll be a much happier girl!

Oh, found out yet another friend is pregnant today.. and ate 4 cookies. That's actually not that bad considering I used to eat a whole row. ;)

I've been sick the past week and now that I'm getting over it I've been having some strange things happen. My sense of smell has been off. My sense of taste too, to a lesser extent. For some reason now ketchup, hot sauce, and my favorite root beer have all been tasting and smelling really strange to me. I'm wondering if the cold was really more of an upper respiratory infection that has affected my nose somehow. Yeah, the root beer I've been craving all day.. it tastes fine at first but has a strong aftertaste of cough syrup. And no, I am not chasing it with cough syrup. I haven't had that since 3-4 days ago. It's the strangest thing. I hope I get over it soon tho because I love hot sauce especially and I don't want it ruined for me! :(

So it's been a while..

But I'm back again. I've lost 13lbs in two and a half months. Not too bad, but my weight loss has slowed to stopping lately. Mostly because I've been very bad the past week or so. Eating out is not conducive to losing weight, no matter what Yahoo! tells us. I've fallen back into some of my old eating habits and that's not helping. But I'm not giving up. I'm not going to let this plateau force me off the wagon. I'm going to keep counting points, and I've got to get back to my meetings. After all, what the hell am I paying for?

I've identified a few issues that are contributing to my bad eating habits lately. One, there's been a pregnancy "scare." That's made me incredibly stressed. Which makes things worse.. Two, I am waiting to be evaluated for my program in school. It's highly competitive and there are only 12 spots available every June. So.. more stress. I feel a little lost on the former issue. Pregnancy. I wrote the following on one of my message boards on FB, it explains a bit more on this topic:

I just found out a friend of mine is pregnant with her second set of twins. Outwardly I'm very happy for her, but my first thought was "that should be me!" Never mind that I'm an uninsured, unemployed (due to lay off) student who has to rely on the pell grant to pay for school. Never mind that DH is also an uninsured student, or that I am overweight (tho I'm working on that) and still don't have the money for all the healthy foods. I just want a baby. Never mind that my husband and I live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment, with barely enough room for us, our cat and our stuff. I just want a baby. Never mind that we've only been married for 6 months and haven't really had time to just be a married couple. I just want a baby.

What is wrong with me!?!?! Can't I just be happy for my friend? She's so lucky to get to ONLY have 2 pregnancies with the outcome of 4 babies! (they wanted 4 kids eventually) But all I can really think about is "that should be us..." and "why can't that be me?" How bad a friend am I? 

I'm actually scared to have kids, I really am. I'm afraid of all the "what-if's". The potential problems during pregnancy, not to mention that labor and delivery scare the HECK out of me! And don't even get me started on how afraid I am that we'll screw up our kids. I don't want to bias them, though we are biased in some things. I don't want our kids to be spoiled brats, though I know that if we can we will spoil our kids. But of course I'm getting a head of myself, I'm not even pregnant with our first and already I'm talking about "kids." I don't even know if we can have kids (another worry of mine.) Yet all I can think about when I hear news of yet another friend being pregnant, or giving birth is that I want that to be me.. I want to be a mother, and be able to hold that new life in my arms knowing that I helped create it. What an awesome feeling it must be to look into the eyes of your child and feel that connection that I don't have the words to explain because I'm not a mother... but I know it exists. I had a taste of it once.. I was watching my cousins 1 year old, and holding her while she napped. I was so happy that this sweet baby found my body comfy enough to fall asleep on, and I wondered what it would be like with my own child.. That was the day I decided I wanted to have kids.

And so this maternal instinct drives me to be happy for my friends, jealous of them, and sad for myself. We are in no place to have a baby, and my heart aches for the day that we can expand our family and become whole.