Lost

So.. Here I am. Waiting. It seems like all I'm good for is waiting. There are so many things going through my head that it constantly hurts. My husband and I are at an odd place and a lot of it is my unwillingness to speak. .. And his unwillingness to hear me. I'm a bit lost because I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do and it's this aching feeling of "must do something!!!" But there's nothing I can do. I can't make my situation different because I can't change my husbands mind. So I have to change... But that just makes me mad. Because I don't want to give up having a bigger family, I want to make us whole.. He just doesn't see that.  Or feel that. The most amazing thing I've ever done is make a baby. The best I've ever felt is when I was pregnant with her. I'm so in awe of who we made... We made a little person! And this tiny human, with all of her blonde hair and blue eyes, her smiles and the adorable way she crinkles up her nose in pictures.. Her laugh is so contagious, she is such a joyful child, and even in her bad days I still see the miracle she is. I want that again. I want another sweet angel to snuggle... I want to spread the love. But I'm being made to feel like I'm not allowed... And it's tearing me up inside to think of what this might mean. 

I've talked briefly to my therapist about this, and I'm sure in my next session we will go into it deeper. She says my husband and I need to have many more in depth discussions about it.. To figure out why he really doesn't want to have another baby. But I know my husband.. The more we talk about something, when nothing's changed with the situation, he gets angry and frustrated and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Ever. So something has to change... And as always it has to be me.