Hit a plateau

Yes, I've already hit a plateau in my weightloss. Mostly because I'm suffering from what they call, "diet fatigue"... the foods get so boring after a while! So i've been cheating.. not good. Going to have to pick up my big girl panties and get back on the diet bandwagon because I was doing so well and I want to get my momentum back! I desperately want to lose about 30 more lbs before Christmas, which is possible on this plan, but I have to stick to it super strictly. With Thanksgiving and my birthday coming up, I'm afraid that's not going to happen. They keep talking about not eating Thanksgiving dinner, which I'm sorry.. I won't miss my favorite meal of the year. Especially since this year my hubby won a really awesome, pasture raised, grass fed organic turkey!!! How amazing is that?!? He is planning on getting a smoker and smoking the turkey, which oh. my. gosh! I thought deep fried turkey was awesome, this is going to be oh so delicious! :) I can't wait! So during the rest of the days I'm going to have to practice some serious self control and environmental control (keeping myself away from trigger foods and keeping those foods out of my house!) It hasn't been easy, but nothing ever is. So anyway, that's just a little about what has been going on. If I have a chance I'll update some more with other goings on. :)

A first milestone

I have officially lost 12.4 lbs as of last Thursday! So my first 10lbs (plus) gone! Woo hooo! No time to celebrate though because I've got a ton more to lose  and I really want to get off of this diet sooner rather than later. I'm struggling quite a bit with staying in the box (what they call eating all their food or only approved foods) Which I guess it is a learning curve for my body and my mind. But I'm trying, and that's the important part.

I've had all my pregnant friends deliver that I wrote about earlier in the year. 7 of them in the past 2 months or so. Many of them boys!!! So now I've got a whole fresh batch of preggo friends popping up. Go figure. I can't catch a break! Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for them! Just sad for me. My co-worker came to me this morning (after I had been wanting to ask her if she was pregnant again yet.. joking but also knowing her and her hubby had planned on it being October ish before getting pregnant again) and sure enough she says "hey, can you keep a secret?" Immediately I knew and I jumped up and hugged her. She's had a loss (her first pregnancy) at like 17 weeks, then carried her rainbow boy and he's a little over a year now. So she's so excited but also really worried. Here's the tally; friend one is about 15 weeks with baby 2, friend two is 11 weeks with baby 1 and friend three is 4.5 weeks (brand new!) with baby 2. I wonder who else will be announcing in the next few weeks? I'm trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself these days, but it's not easy. I keep cursing my body every time I have a patient who has regular periods.. 12 times a year they have a chance to get pregnant. Me? I'm lucky if it's 2 times a year. Blah.

7.7lbs gone!

I haven't even finished my first official week on my new eating plan and I'm already down 7.7lbs! This is very exciting and beyond motivating for me! I have eaten "outside of the box" a little bit. I had a bit of cheese, and a piece of bacon on tow separate occasions but overall I've been really good eating my food and drinking my shakes and so forth. Which is great for my first week. Especially for me. I keep thinking about other foods, kind of pining for them.. then I remind myself that this is not forever. I'm not going to be eating these same 15 entrees and shakes for every. I will myself to want it sometimes, but then I remember that this is for my long term health and for my family. Not only that, skinny feels way better than any of that food tastes in the moment. This is my new motto. That and, why blow so much money on their food and group meetings every week just to eat crap and gain weight anyway? Nope, not gonna happen. Not anymore.

I have no original title ideas! (weight loss journey)

SO, I have started a new weight loss plan through our local weight management center. It consists of eating provided foods (it's called HMR, or health management resources) in addition to 5 servings of veggies and fruit per day. I'm on day 1 and I'm hungry! But, I am going to do this. I have to do this. I will not fail, because they have huge support groups and meetings (kind of like weight watchers but more strict) Each week I'm expecting to lose 1-3lbs and that is huge. I'm hoping for more weight loss than that in the beginning because I'm not at all used to a restricted calorie diet. It includes shakes, which aren't horrible but don't keep me full very long. I'll work through this because I have to for my health and so that I can be here for a long, long time. Okay, all that being said, baby making is on hold for about 6 months while I get this under control. I "shouldn't" get pregnant while in this program because they will kick me out. Can't be on a low calorie diet while pregnant. Although, I would probably just talk to my OB and primary doctors about what I could do while pregnant... I still don't want to risk it in the first few months of trying to shed these lbs.

I haven't told anyone but the nurse and my husband this.. but yesterday when I did my weigh in... I was 289.7 lbs. HOLY COW. I'm only 5'4'' so you can imagine that this does not look good on me. What the heck have I done to myself? When I had Abi, I got down from 213 to 195 lbs. So in 4 1/2 years I've gained almost 100 lbs. Oh. My. Gosh. But I'm done. Done eating like crap, done making excuses... done feeling like garbage. So this is it.. this will be my moment. This plan takes away almost all decisions on food and makes eating to live more attainable. I have at least 100 lbs to lose, if not more, but I am going to concentrate on small goals at a time. Mini milestones. One pound at a time and I will someday be back to a healthier place. Seriously though, this is it for me. I cannot go back, because all that is there is diabetes, heart disease, etc. I want another baby.. I want to be able to play with my kid more than just sitting on the floor. This is how I'm going to do it. The HMR plan isn't forever, there's too much extra "junk" in the foods for it to be forever. But it was not designed as a forever diet. It is a rapid weight loss solution, along with weekly meetings and counseling so that I can learn (relearn) how to eat properly, healthfully and defend my weight loss. I'm hungry, but excited for this change. I was nervous, because I knew I'd be hungry but I don't have to be. I can eat more of the foods they allow, because they have a "more is better" approach. As long as I eat the allowed foods and stay "in the box" I will lose weight. We'll see. But I know there's a learning curve in the beginning. And I'm going to embrace it, eat in the box, and next week we'll see how much I've lost. Because I will lose this weight, come hell or high water. It's like my own dark passenger (ever watch Dexter? It's not that dark, lol) and it's no longer welcome here anymore.

I just had a bomb dropped on me

Okay so bear with me, this may get a little confusing for a moment. But I will try to lay it out as easily as I can.

My mom wanted more kids when she married my step dad. They tried for like 9 years, then mom got sick. All her testing said she could still have kids, and all his testing said he was the problem. Mom asked me to surrogate a baby for them, but by that time I was getting married, and my husband did not like the idea. I also hadn't even had my own kid yet, and so it would have been so strange to be carrying my biological brother or sister my first time being pregnant. Anyway, mom asked a few cousins and second cousins (so my cousin's kids.. all in their 20's) most of whom said no thank you. She wanted someone in the family so that they at least carried some DNA relatively close to hers. Then mom got so sick, she wouldn't even have been able to donate an egg, and that's when apparently my second cousin Amber said she'd donate an egg AND carry the baby. I knew none of this. Fast forward a few months and my mom passes away.

Fast forward to this year, 2 weeks ago. I run out at lunch to pick up food for dinner from a grocery store I never usually go to. As I'm getting into my car, my step dad pulls up and waves. So I jump out of my car and run over to give him a hug and say hi. We start talking and he says "I've got something to tell you" So I figure he's moving on and has a girlfriend. Ok, whatever. Nope. He's having a baby. Not with a girlfriend, but with my second cousin Amber. They are not dating, they had it all done at a fertility clinic. She's 20 weeks along with a boy. His name is Noah.

You could have picked me up off of the parking lot. I was floored. My second cousin Amber is apparently "gifting" this baby to him. So supposedly she will sign off all rights to the baby when he's born so that he will be solely my step-dads. HOWEVER, she will be breast feeding him for the first 6 months to a year AND will be "babysitting". Now, this is going to be her biological child. She has a 6 year old son already and he is calling the baby "his brother". The kid doesn't understand that the baby isn't theirs to keep.. but not only that, if it's not theirs to keep why the heck the baby is STAYING with them so much. It's all incredibly convoluted. Amber is also a stay at home mom. Now, while that is not a bad thing, she has no way of taking care of her kid so she depends on her mom (my cousin Lisa) Lisa pays for both her house (where Amber stays) AND stays with my step-dad and helps him make ends meet by paying a bill or two. It's so crazy. I asked her why Amber doesn't work and she says "she can't." Well, now that she's very pregnant, she might have trouble working, sure. But why couldn't she work before? No, this is a nice way for Amber to secure her stay at home status. She's "helping" my step-dad by taking care of his baby so she can't work. I'm probably not wording all this the best but good grief is this all a messed up situation.

Granted, this is really none of my business. BUT, my daughter loves my step-dad. So shortly after Christmas when he suddenly has a newborn baby she's going to wonder where he came from. She knows boys can't have babies. I'm struggling to figure out what to tell her. She's only 4, she doesn't need to know all the details of any of this. My husband is at a loss as to what to tell Abi also... But we've been discussing it and so we'll see. She doesn't need to know anything now of course. Then there's the nurturer in me.. and I so love my step-dad... I have offered him my baby gear; swing, jumper, bouncy seat, pack and play. All of it. Plus I'm planning crafts and gifts and things because well.. it's a baby that's being brought into my family, as strange of a situation as it is. And I want to love on that baby, partly because he's family and partly because I don't have a newborn of my own to dwell on... It's just all shocking and now that it has been a few weeks (I started this post the day I found out and am only now finishing it) I've had time to adjust to the idea. Again, I know, none of my business. And I know that my mom is looking down from heaven and happy that I'm wiling to help her husband out in anyway I can. I would be doing the same thing if she were alive. ..

Had to share...

So for the first time since last year, I actually have a follicle that looks promising. It's averaging 19mm (2.19 x 1.62 x 2.04cm) so it's one of the bigger ones I've seen for myself, and I'm just super excited. Of course, I can't tell hubby any of this because it'll freak him out (read; performance anxiety). Well see how this weekend goes and if I can get hubby to.. um.... co-operate. lol. Then I'll re-scan next Monday and see if the follicle is still there. The really funny thing is, it's my right ovary producing this follicle. The last few times I ovulated, I'm almost positive it was my right ovary. It has more of the traditional PCOS look to it than my left one, which is why I'm surprised.  I have my supplements to thank for this, I think. I've been on the myo-inositol for almost a month (3 or 4 days shy) plus the d-chiro inositol for maybe 3 weeks of that. I'm looking into adding red raspberry leaf tea (or pills as I'm not really a tea drinker) in hopes that by next month I'll be ovulating normally. Or, as close to normal as possible. I'm not holding my breath, because they say it usually takes about 3 months to get things regulated.

Okay, enough of that. Here's something new... I went to a weight loss seminar yesterday. There are a few options they offer, and while some of them seem to be exactly what I need, it scares me. Of the 2 options I'm looking into, they both include meal replacement shakes and specific prepackaged meals. But there are only 15 to choose from. And 2 shake flavors. One plan you can't even have fruits or veggies. Just the prepackaged stuff. And it's expensive! The food is 100-140$ per week! That's what I spend for a family of 3! But, it's low calorie, pre-portioned, totally laid out for me so I never have to question what I'm eating. It's called "decision free" and right now I feel like it's exactly what I need to drop some of this weight. But I don't want to keep eating the same thing over and over for a year. That's crazy! Plus no fruits or veggies? C'mon! So that second option (the one that allows fruits and veggies) is probably what I will end up going with. However, the weight loss is slower on that plan, and I really just want to get this weight off and be done with it.
I haven't completely decided what route I'm going to go yet. After talking it over with hubby I've decided to wait just a little while while I do some research and try to cut portions on my own. Plus I've ordered a treadmill that should be here by Tuesday. So my plan is to get walking on that every night and see how well I do committing to it. Because only eating the prescribed foods for long periods of time will be hard. Probably one of the hardest things I'll ever do in my life. But they promise results, IF you stick strictly to their plan. It's also medically supervised, and there's a weekly group educational class I'd have to attend. It's supposedly designed to teach you how to eat better and make better decisions once you're at your goal weight and can start eating regular foods again. Which takes approximately 12-20 months give or take. It's insane to think I could be half of myself by this time next year. .... still... pre-packaged food? And aspertame in the shakes? Blech. So we'll see.

And so begins

My decent into depression. This time of year is always hard for me... and it's gotten worse since my moms death. My mom and dads birthdays are this month. My mom and step-dads anniversary just passed, the date of my dads death is at the end of September.... My grandma and cousin both died a week apart just prior to Christmas. The holidays have always been somewhat of an issue for me, and so all this leading into Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years is just so much. I had gotten better for a few years until my grandma and cousin died. And I don't really know what it was about the Christmas/New Years holiday but I always remember being sick at Christmas and so sad at New years. I think it's because I just didn't like change and the coming of a new year meant that the last year was over. Which you wouldn't think a child would care about or even understand what that meant, but apparently I did.
I love fall. I love the cooler temperatures, the colors, the smells. Pumpkin spice everything, burning leaves, sweatshirts and jeans! But the emotional side of everything takes its toll. I try not to think about it, but I'm always sad/upset/uneasy on dads birthday and the day we found out he was gone. Whether I'm purposefully thinking about him or not, somehow my subconscious remembers. Which forces  me to deal with it. And now with mom gone, and her birthday was just 2 days before dads... it's just difficult. I've been working on it though, however, for some reason lately I've been super emotional. I'm hoping that means that my supplements are working and that my hormones are going back to a more "normal for me" mode. I always had super wicked PMS, so I'm hoping that this along with some other signs are a good thing. Only time will tell.
For now I'll just work on trying not to cry over every little stupid thing and not think about taking that pregnancy test in a week. I have about 6 in my bathroom cabinet, mostly because I'm on cycle day 55 and having those tests to take every so often is helpful. Even though I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will be negative. Because I have no symptoms of pregnancy other than an absent period. And I'm almost positive I haven't ovulated, based on those symptoms or lack there of. Knowing so much about a normal cycle, and realizing how abnormal mine is, is frustrating. When my co-workers complain about their periods I keep thinking "wow, already?" Or "again?" But they have normal cycles, every month, whereas I don't so of course it's odd to me. And frustrating. I hate not having that monthly chance to become pregnant. And there again, is another reason adding to my sadness. Boo.

New to me supplement

So I've started taking Myo-inositol in addition to my Vitex and an omega 3. The fish oil might be more for my joints ( I find if I don't take it for a while my knees begin to ache a lot!) but it's never a bad thing to add, since I don't eat a lot of fish. Okay, I don't eat fish. ;)
I've been on Vitex since January, and now I've been researching PCOS more and the two supplements that stand out as all stars for that are Myo-inositol and D Chiro-inositol. I was unable to find the D Chiro in our local vitamin store, but what I did find for the Myo-inositol is pretty cool. It's called Pre~mama, and it's a powder supplement that you pour into 12 oz of water. It dissolves completely, has no taste and as an added bonus it has folic acid! Which we all know is important for before, during and after pregnancy. I actually really like it! I've been taking it in the morning, which forces me to drink at least that 12oz or more of water before my morning coffee. I've been noticing a few changes with this supplement.. I'm a bit moodier, which I'm wondering if that means PMS and that I'll be starting soon? But also, there's been some physical changes as well. Good things.. . So anyway, I've ordered more of the Myo supplement (different brand) as well as D Chiro-inositol and should arrive by the time I run out of what I have. Perhaps I'll do a product review once I've finished them.. Who knows. All of the research I've done suggests that those two inositols together have the greatest reaction in a woman with PCOS to bring back regular cycles, diminish extra hair and allow for ovulation. Which I am desperate for. I wish I had a chance to become pregnant every month.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these will help me get back to normal. Or at least, close to it.

Parents.. back off already.

So, in addition to the child who fell into the gorilla exhibit we now have a poor little kid who has been killed by an alligator in Florida. All reports that I have seen state that the family was "wading at the water's edge." Which means what, up to their ankles? Okay, there are also reports stating that their are signs EVERYWHERE saying to stay out of the water. I've been to the Grand Floridian, I can attest to those signs. Be that as it may, a young boy was killed. You don't need to go any further than that. Can you just imagine the heartache and the deep gut wrenching sadness that his parents feel? Never mind that they shouldn't have been in the water, because they made that choice and now they have to live with the deep regret of their decision. That decision is probably tearing that family apart. You don't have to shove it in their faces. Yet here we are as a society, blaming the parents and telling them what they should have done... acting like we have high moral authority to shame, blame and bash those parents. Like everyone else is perfect. News flash, none of us are perfect. I've allowed my kid too much TV on occasions, even though I've sworn not to (because according to everyone TV is harmful to young brains) and my kid is fine. She's better than fine, she's incredibly smart and funny and talented and creative. I feed her some not so nutritious snacks, too often lately. But she's healthy and growing off the charts for height and her weight is perfect. I lose sight of her occasionally in a store (which freaks me out) so then I'll hold her hand or make doubly sure I'm watching her... I've taught her about "stranger danger" but she is so personable she'll talk to anyone with a kind face. The point is, as parents we need to give each other a break. There are too many demands on us as it is, and it's ridiculous to have to appease everyone else when we are struggling with the demands of a family and our own inner critic. This family is probably dying inside every day from the loss of their little boy. Leave them alone!

Mish mash

I have been hiding a lot lately. I feel disgusting, carrying around all this extra weight that I can't for the life of me seem to shed and so I've been hibernating in my house. Which makes me feel so alone. I go to work, Abi goes to school (unless she's sick like she was last week, poor kiddo) and then I come home. If I go out at all, it's to the store and I end up spending way too much money on things that I could probably do without. I know Abi could. I've been feeling like the worst parent in the world lately too. I haven't been playing with Abi as much, and while most of the time she takes it like a champ.. it's the days where the chores have really piled up and I just need to get it all done that she's clingy and begs me to play with her. My heart breaks on my days off because I'm constantly saying "not right now sweetie" to my precious girl who just wants my time. But my house.. oh my house. Every time I get it into some sort of normal, clean-ish order something happens and it all goes to hell. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up.. the living room is insane right now because we have a new couch and have yet to get rid of the old stuff. So it's all packed in there. Toys and art supplies constantly litter the floor (even after I've picked them up a hundred times) Abi doesn't get the concept of helping yet.. or rather she does but deems it "boring!" so to avoid a fight I just let her play most of the time. Don't get me wrong, she will help at times. And it's going to get worse before it gets better I'm sure. But I'm just.. stuck. And I know I complain a lot, but I have no where else to vent. My husband is a "fixer" and so even if I just want to talk to get something off my chest, he's always trying to come up with a way to fix it. He's giving advice and that's all well and good but sometimes I just don't want it. Unfortunately, I have to be careful about how much I complain to him without "fixing" my problem because eventually he'll just stop listening. He's never gotten mean with me about things, but I can tell when I've exhausted a topic.

Anyway... Lots of happy things happen too. Like Abi had her 4 year well check yesterday and did fantastic! Hardly any crying for her shot and is healthy and perfect. She's so tall she's off their chart. Seriously, my 4 year old is 3'8"!!!!! So tall!
This past weekend we got a kitty. Originally we were going to get a girl, but it ended up there were only boys to choose from so... we have a little grey and white kitty and we named him Genie after the Genie in Aladdin. Abi did not do so well in the listening department for the first few days, and she would hold him too roughly, or drop him into/onto something. There has been a lot of correcting and I know I'm feeling bad about it, so I'm sure she is too. Poor kid, she is just so excited to have a kitty! But we've had some good times too. He likes to meow to us and climb up on our chests to be petted to sleep. He's got the tiniest little kitty face! I love him so much! lol I'm on my work computer, or I'd post pictures (because I've already got a ton!) But I'll have to leave that for another day. So, he's my baby for now until I can maybe hopefully get myself into a healthy place to have another human baby. Ahhh... someday.

Changes

I just wanted to give a heads up to anyone who might still follow me on here.. Thank you, firstly. I feel less alone knowing someone actually reads these. Second, I am thinking of changing my blog name. .. My thoughts were to possibly start focusing on my struggles in having another baby. Or at least have a blog title that more accurately represents that that is what I will be talking about quite a bit. I'm thinking of "To Fertility.. And Beyond" (catchy, right? Unless it's offensive, in which case let me know and I won't use it!) That's not all I'll be focusing on, but there's so much that has changed for me this past year with regard to trying for another.. and I've noticed that I've been focusing a lot on that. So a blog title change would be a good thing, I'm thinking.

My little 4 year old

So I realized that in all my craziness, I never did a proper post about Abi and her recent 4th birthday.
That's right, my baby is 4 and holy cow has she grown!
She's 41 pounds and 44" tall or maybe she's 45" now.. she keeps growing so fast! She's grown 4 inches in a year, and almost half an inch since early March. She is so tall already, and so we of course know she's going to be a tall adult. Probably about 6'2" they're predicting. Taalllll.. Hopefully she'll find a tall guy someday that doesn't make her feel like a giant. :p

Abi's hair is starting to turn dark.. I'm so sad about her losing her beautiful silky blonde hair! It's mostly in the back, but I'm pretty sure by this time next year she'll have a head of "dirty blonde" or dark blonde like me. Boo! lol. Of course, she's beautiful no matter what, it's just the thought of her babyness leaving and this preschooler popping up. She's going to be in Kindergarten next year! HOLY COW!

Abi is such a loving, joyful girl. Though, I've had to be hard on her at times for poor behavior, I couldn't have asked for a better child. She is now putting herself to sleep, and it's so bittersweet. For 4 years I have been in her room as she falls asleep, and I miss it just a little. But I'll tell ya, I was so shocked when we tried it the first night and it worked. We still have a bed time routine, bath, books and song. But after the songs I'll tell her I love her, to have sweet dreams and I'll see her in the morning. She replies and then I can leave the room! I'll still stay upstairs for a bit, just to be sure she isn't getting out of bed. But usually she's rustling about trying to get comfortable and asleep very shortly after. I'm so proud of my big girl! Seriously, this is a HUGE accomplishment and such a long time coming. I have always let Abi set her own pace. With regard to her schedule and things like when it was time to move up a size in diapers or to potty train, Abi always let us know pretty much when she was ready for the next step. I didn't want to push her, and I certainly didn't want to push her to put herself to bed too soon.. but it was getting frustrating laying there, in the dark.. trying not to lose my mind because I knew she wasn't asleep yet because I was there. She would fuss and such and I finally realized that even though it bugged me, she needed to kind of decompress before falling asleep, just like anyone. So I suggested her putting herself to bed one day after preschool had told me how good she is at nap time. She'll lay there and chat to herself quietly, play with her hands (make fingers talk to each other etc) and sometimes she'll drift off to sleep. I used this idea to persuade Abi to try it the first night. I told her without me in the room, she could play a little with her stuffed animals or chat with her fingers. As long as she stayed in here bed, it was fine. Then she could drift off to sleep when she was ready. It worked!! I was Shocked. But what has really shocked me is that we've never looked back. Abi has not once begged me to stay, or cried about it. She likes being able to unwind on her own, without me saying "shhhhh, go to sleep please." It's a good thing. And I have another hour added on to my evenings!

Abi has been making up her own songs and they are so funny! She loves to draw and color and is getting really very good. Her little people (heads, legs and arms.. no bodies yet!) are adorable, and she's making up awesome stories to go along with her drawings. The imagination on this girl! It's so fun to watch her grow and change.. and learn. She's been asking all kinds of amazing questions lately. And her giggle and belly laugh is my favorite sound!

Pain in my heart

I am struggling.. like really struggling lately. I'm having a hard time managing all of the things that I'm supposed to be doing, like being a good wife and mother. My house is a disaster. To the point that I won't let anyone with a baby come over (or anyone for that matter) because it's so awful. It's to the point I can't even prioritize what needs to get done with what can wait and it all just gets half-assed or not done at all. Laundry doesn't get folded for forever. Dishes.. don't get me started on the dishes.They NEVER END. Ever. It's not just toys on the floor, it's everything, everywhere. Abi is not learning how to keep a clean house from me because apparently I don't know how. It's driving me insane and yet when I try to get something done, Abi will play for a while then come ask me to play with her. Depending on the time of day, I can get away with a few "in a few minutes honey" but by afternoon she's in tears and I'm completely broken because I feel like I'm failing. My husband must think I'm the worst wife ever.. No he doesn't tell me that, but when he comes home day after day and can't see much if any change in the house I know he's thinking "what the hell does she do all day?" I don't work full time, only 3 days a week. So the other 2 I have to devote to the house and my kid and I just haven't found a way to do both. PLUS I don't even want to stay home anymore. I want to go out and shop, or just be out and away from the house. We'll go to our local museum of art, or our local science center (Imagination Station) because I want to do things to enrich Abi's mind and not just stay home doing the same old thing all day. This of course does not lend to a clean house, because by the time we get home, Abi is done with the day and ready for all of my attention. Odd, because I just spent all morning giving her as much of my attention as I could. But that's just not in her logic at only almost 4. I can't blame her. This brings me to another issue...

I keep thinking how great it would be if we had had another baby when Abi was about 2. She'd have a playmate. It'd be great. Now if I have another baby, they'll be almost 5 years apart. Not so fun for Abi and I'll be doing the baby stuff (good and bad) over again. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to add to our family.

 And as of now, I have 3 friends pregnant. All between 11-13 weeks along. I just found out about them this past week and I've died a little inside each time someone has come forward to tell me. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO happy for them!!! But so sad for me. For one friend it will be her first child (she suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks with her last pregnancy so *technically* second, but this will be her rainbow baby.) For another friend it is her 3rd, and yet another friend is pregnant with her 4th! I see a pattern that I am praying and hoping I'll fit into this year... So 1st baby, 3rd baby and 4th baby... We are missing someone pregnant with their 2nd baby... Please God let that be me. I would love to be pregnant along with some of my friends ( I was early-mid pregnancy with Abi while a friend was mid-end pregnancy with her 2nd, that was fun) I keep thinking.. if I get rid of all of Abi's baby stuff, will that "jinx" me? So I've gotten rid of some of the smaller things.. I figure I'll keep the swing and jumper, but her clothes? They've got to go. They're taking up too much of our basement and I'm so down about not being able to get pregnant this past year, I just want them gone. So, I'm going to offer them to my friends if they find out they're having girls. Otherwise I'm going to have a big ol garage sale this summer and sell what I can. The rest will be either donated or sold to a local children's resale shop. Who am I kidding, keeping all that anyway? Other than my few favorite outfits, I'd just be buying new stuff for a new baby. It'd be nice to have at least some hand-me-downs but really... at this point... I'm not holding my breath that there's going to be another. And that makes me so deeply, soulfully sad.

some of disney

Our first day in Florida we arrived at our hotel about 4 o'clock. Which was perfect because we weren't planning anything major other than just getting accustomed to our surroundings and hotel room. I was really worried that Abi wouldn't sleep in the hotel, because she's never really slept anywhere except her own room, or a cot at daycare. But she did fantastic. In all honesty, she did really  well the entire trip.


So Tuesday we set off to Epcot to see Jasmine (because I didn't see a schedule for her at the Magic Kingdom and she is Abi's favorite princess!) We made sure she was first in line and Abi was just thrilled to meet Jasmine and Aladdin!
Most of the day was really a free for all. We had a few fast passes to things like the Undersea adventure with Nemo and reservations for lunch and dinner, but really we just walked and found whatever we could that didn't have a horrible wait. It was hot, but there was a cool breeze and a little rain to make things bearable. Abi got carried by my husband much of the day because we didn't realize you could rent a stroller. Oops, lol. She didn't seem to want to do a whole lot, and was kinda grumpy until after lunch (no where near as grumpy as on Thursday at the Magic Kingdom..!)


It was a nice day, with a not-so-crowded park, and those few extra awesome moments that made every penny and grumpy moment so worth it.



We got to me Mulan, who was my favorite of the day! She really took time to interact with Abi and they had a conversation about the flowers on their clothes. It was so cute!



This is grumpy face. Even in front of Elsa. She's my teenager in the making... We are in so much trouble.

We had lunch at the aquarium, which was absolutely awesome! Unfortunately I didn't get to sit where I could really see the fish very well, and I had to keep turning away from my family to look. But the food was fabulous!
When we couldn't find things we really wanted to do, we went to the Disney film festival and that was such a trip! 3 short films in 3d/4d and oh man, to see the look on Abi's face was priceless! So I'm really glad we did that. Then we went to the Living with the Land ride (which was conveinently beneath our dinner at the Chip and Dales Harvest) That was really cool! Did you know Disney is trying to be self sustaining? They grow hundreds of crops and farm fish that are served in their restaurants!! The ride was really neat, and everyone enjoyed it. Even Abi wanted to go again!

Epcot was full of the random, lets do this or look over there. We were there way too late, and Abi passed out before we could even read her a book! That was, in my opinion, the best day of our trip.

Wednesday, we didn't go to a park because we felt we should have a rest day between them. It was a great idea because it rained a lot of the day. In the morning we went to the Polynesian resort for breakfast at the Kona Cafe, and what a nice little taste of Hawaii that was! It was so good we even decided to go back the next morning.

When we had a break in the weather, we went swimming in the piano shaped pool at our resort. Oh my goodness! Abi's first time swimming and she is such a little fish! She had a life jacket on and she just wanted to swim my herself! I couldn't believe it. I so enjoyed the swim, but man, getting out of the pool was tough.. I felt like 1,000 lbs. Yuck. Back in our room we had some rest time and a little tv/coloring/napping. Really it was just a nice relaxing day.

I'll finish up our trip in another post.. There's a lot more to say! :0)

Disney World!!

We just got back from our fabulous Disney vacation and I am so glad we went! The weather was beautiful, the parks weren't too badly crowded.. and Abi was FANTASTIC just about the entire trip! Here's a list of the firsts she experienced last week:
First family vacation
First flight on an airplane
First time sleeping in a hotel
First time to Disney
First time swimming in a pool
First time on a motor coach
First time on the Monorail
First time riding anywhere without her car seat
First time eating at a cafeteria type place

I'm sure there are so many more, but these are the ones that stand out for me right now. Abi was such a good girl the whole time, she rarely whined or fussed, she listened to us pretty well and oh my gosh when she met her favorite princess!!!! She was just absolutely amazed!

I'm not on my personal computer, so I'll have to share pictures later, but I did want to get a post started about our trip. I will finish later (hopefully tonight, so things are still fresh in my brain!)

Last Night..

Last night I hit my breaking point. I cried in the shower for the first time since mom died.
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.

The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...