Last night I hit my breaking point. I cried in the shower for the first time since mom died.
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.
The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...
Why do you say you should never have another kid?
ReplyDeleteIf you don't think your therapist will help you, would you be open to trying a new one? Tony and I went to therapy for a while there and even though it wasn't the best fit for a therapist, it was still so much better than nothing. When we realized we needed to find a therapist that better suited our needs, I gave up. It would take too long to find someone else, I'd feel like we were back at square one, etc. It's too easy to find excuses to stick to. It sounds like so many of these realizations are SO understandable, Britt.
I spend so much of my time solely with my children and rarely any time with adults anymore so it has caused a lot of social anxiety/awkwardness. I've had a big weight gain and it has been horrible for self esteem. While I am not experiencing the same thing as you, I know what you are feeling (to a degree).
It can be overwhelming looking at an entire of list of things to change. Pick ONE thing you can change/fix/do yourself. Then write a list of steps on how exactly you plan to fix that ONE thing. Then take the first step. Then the second. And step by step that one thing will get better or be resolved. Or you will try and it won't get better. You'll have to find a new way to resolve it. But if you don't try then it will be so much worse for your psyche.
Trying is awful and scary. Failing is awful and scary. Sometimes LIVING can be awful and scary. But what is the alternative?
Thank you for reminding me I am not alone in experiencing issues in life.. Sometimes it truly feels like everyone else has it all figured out except for me. I think a lot of this is coming from the anniversary of my mother's death (it's the end of next month) so I've been really sad lately.
DeleteI feel like I'm failing at parenting, I don't feel like I do enough for/with Abi. I feel guilty when I'm not playing with her (even if I'm doing chores/cooking etc.. things that HAVE to get done) So much doesn't get done in my house, dishes, laundry.. my husband is always asking me what he can do to help get things done, but reminds me that he's working full time and I'm only part time so I should be getting more done. Anyway, this is why I shouldn't have another baby. If I'm not able to be the best I can for Abi, why bring another baby into our lives where I'd just be splitting my attentions even further? I have to get my life in order, my health, my house, my relationships before I should even consider having another. For a while I was under the false idea that having a baby would make me happier, but I'm thinking it'll just add to the stress... Believe me, I have thought about finding a new therapist. I like the one I have for the most part I just feel like we scratch the surface of what's going on and then the session is over and I don't have any resolve.
I want to try.. but then I don't.
Thank you. It's hard to take care of myself, I feel so guilty even going to the gym for an hour... My husband was gently nudging me on weekends to go out and just do a few things by myself, but it doesn't help the guilt :(
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