I wrote this back in March...

I wrote this back in March of this year and I'm not quite sure why it didn't make it onto my blog until now.. Anyway here goes...

I really don’t understand these feelings. It’s not like I need a baby right now. I’m in the end stages of getting into one of the most competitive programs at Owens. I’m being evaluated this month and if I get in it means lots and lots of extra work, hard work. But all I can think about is how Abby gets to be pregnant again. How Ashley is pregnant again... and here I am wishing I was pregnant at all. Damn irregular cycle. If my stupid body would be normal for once I wouldn’t be as upset…  At least I don’t think that I would be. I sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking I was pregnant if I had had my damn period last month. But being 3 weeks late and having 5 negative pregnancy test I’m pretty sure I just didn’t ovulate last month and so didn’t have a period. This freaks me out because that could mean that we will have trouble getting pregnant when we do start trying. I don’t want to wait years like some women do.. a couple months is fine.. a year maybe but years? I’m going to be 28 this year I can’t afford to wait for years. What the hell am I saying? People wait till their mid-30’s to 40 to have kids now a days. Why can’t I afford to wait? Monetarily of course I can wait. Emotionally, probably not but that’s selfish really. Honestly if I think about it, I’m feeling my biological clock ticking away and wondering if I’ll ever actually get to have a baby of my own. Sure I’m “still young.” Doesn’t mean anything to me really. I mean who knows, I could go through early menopause since I started my period so young.

What I don’t get is one minute I’m cool, it’s okay that we’re waiting because we don’t have insurance, don’t want to rely on government assistance, neither of us are working and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I want to change these things before we have kids. Surely I can wait for that right? No because the next day I start freaking out about all that we have yet to accomplish, and how long those things will actually take us.. it could be years before we’re in a house. Oh my God, why would I want to wait that long to start my family? Josh is excited too, but thankfully he’s thinking with a little more clarity. He knows that no matter how much we want a baby right now, it’s just not the best time. But everyone I talk to tells me that there is never a “best time” or “right time” to have kids and if we wait for that then we’ll never have kids. We’ve already pushed up having kids from both of us working to just Josh working to when Josh finds out he’s hired!! I mean, I want to push for now, but I know I shouldn’t. I won’t because of those days when I realize that we have no money, insurance or space. There could be a mold issue in the spare room.. something that I will NOT subject a child to.

I can’t stand waiting though. Not with everyone around me being pregnant. It’s making things so much worse. I was fine until 4 friends announced they are pregnant this year. Mind you, I found out about all four of them in 2 months. That was bad enough, then adding to it the fact that I’m late really doesn’t help. I’m sure every woman who wants to be a mom goes through feelings like this at some point. Unless they already have kids. I know that kids are hard work. Hard work and a lot of money. So what? So what that I have to work even harder while I’m pregnant because I’m just so exhausted? So what that I will go to work tired from lack of sleep rather than just not being a morning person? I fully believe that being a parent will be the greatest accomplishment of my life. Hopefully I will get to become a parent in the next few years. One way or another Josh and I will have children. Even if we have to adopt, tho I’m realizing now that if that is the road we must take, I’m going to be an absolute emotional wreck for quite some time before we adopt. Not being able to bear children is quickly becoming a fear of mine, and it wasn’t before. That means that if I am not actually able to, I’m going to succumb to a great sadness. But I don’t want to think about that anymore. For now, I just want a baby. No, I want to be pregnant… we aren’t ready for a baby yet.