What is wrong with me lately??

So I just totally flipped out on my poor grandpa. He was talking to me AGAIN about covering up the hole in the wall that we can't actually repair until the termite people come and determine what they are going to do.. so I'm fed up hearing about it (partly my fault because I've been putting off covering the hole.. just my laziness) and I started getting huffy. Well he keeps on talking and I flat out flipped. Not quite yelling, but a little on the verge of shouting telling him we'll get it done RIGHT NOW and have it done and over with. His problem is he wants to explain everything again and again and again.. and I can only take so much repetition until I want to scream. SO poor hubby walks in and starts to say that the plastic we're going to cover the hole with isn't going to make it darker, and I half shouted at him to stop and just go get the plastic. I didn't want hubby changing grandpa's mind because then we'd be having a whole new discussion and I was completely fed up. Then once we covered the hole and I calmed down grandpa starts talking about looking for rest homes so that he's "not burdening us or causing fights." Total guilt trip and it totally worked. I broke down and cried and apologized and told him that I didn't mean to be hateful or hurtful that I was just frustrated and I know he's miserable sitting in that chair day in and day out but that he's slowly getting better and there's no need for a nursing home because he'll be in therapy for his shoulder soon and he can stay home.. especially after all this time. If he was going to go into a nursing home I wish he would have done it from the beginning.. but I didn't tell him that. So now I'm trying to make up for being such a mean bitch and trying to be patient and calm.
I knew when we moved in here that there would be tension.. I never knew it would be this bad. I try so hard NOT to flip out (I'm not a patient person by any means) because I know he doesn't like the situation he's in, and that he does try to think about us when he can. He's helping us out so much by letting us live here.. and I know we're helping him too by being here.. but I just can't be patient ALL the time, no matter how hard I try. I thought I was doing so well... And even mom agrees that grandpa can be a handful..

I hope that this isn't a sign from God that I shouldn't have kids or something. I mean, how do impatient, quick to get angry people do it?? Yes, kids are a little different than my grandpa, but still.

So severe mood swings today.. and even yesterday a little. But yesterday it was a swing from bored/tired to super hyper and bouncy. Sounds bi-polar I know! I just wish I knew what the heck is going on with me lately! Grr..

No happy dance...

Soooooo I'm not doing a happy dance... yet. And I'm still not sharing why just yet. Hopefully though, I will be able to share soon. Don't feel bad. I'm actually waiting too. <_< don't read too far into that! lol

I wrote this back in March...

I wrote this back in March of this year and I'm not quite sure why it didn't make it onto my blog until now.. Anyway here goes...

I really don’t understand these feelings. It’s not like I need a baby right now. I’m in the end stages of getting into one of the most competitive programs at Owens. I’m being evaluated this month and if I get in it means lots and lots of extra work, hard work. But all I can think about is how Abby gets to be pregnant again. How Ashley is pregnant again... and here I am wishing I was pregnant at all. Damn irregular cycle. If my stupid body would be normal for once I wouldn’t be as upset…  At least I don’t think that I would be. I sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking I was pregnant if I had had my damn period last month. But being 3 weeks late and having 5 negative pregnancy test I’m pretty sure I just didn’t ovulate last month and so didn’t have a period. This freaks me out because that could mean that we will have trouble getting pregnant when we do start trying. I don’t want to wait years like some women do.. a couple months is fine.. a year maybe but years? I’m going to be 28 this year I can’t afford to wait for years. What the hell am I saying? People wait till their mid-30’s to 40 to have kids now a days. Why can’t I afford to wait? Monetarily of course I can wait. Emotionally, probably not but that’s selfish really. Honestly if I think about it, I’m feeling my biological clock ticking away and wondering if I’ll ever actually get to have a baby of my own. Sure I’m “still young.” Doesn’t mean anything to me really. I mean who knows, I could go through early menopause since I started my period so young.

What I don’t get is one minute I’m cool, it’s okay that we’re waiting because we don’t have insurance, don’t want to rely on government assistance, neither of us are working and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I want to change these things before we have kids. Surely I can wait for that right? No because the next day I start freaking out about all that we have yet to accomplish, and how long those things will actually take us.. it could be years before we’re in a house. Oh my God, why would I want to wait that long to start my family? Josh is excited too, but thankfully he’s thinking with a little more clarity. He knows that no matter how much we want a baby right now, it’s just not the best time. But everyone I talk to tells me that there is never a “best time” or “right time” to have kids and if we wait for that then we’ll never have kids. We’ve already pushed up having kids from both of us working to just Josh working to when Josh finds out he’s hired!! I mean, I want to push for now, but I know I shouldn’t. I won’t because of those days when I realize that we have no money, insurance or space. There could be a mold issue in the spare room.. something that I will NOT subject a child to.

I can’t stand waiting though. Not with everyone around me being pregnant. It’s making things so much worse. I was fine until 4 friends announced they are pregnant this year. Mind you, I found out about all four of them in 2 months. That was bad enough, then adding to it the fact that I’m late really doesn’t help. I’m sure every woman who wants to be a mom goes through feelings like this at some point. Unless they already have kids. I know that kids are hard work. Hard work and a lot of money. So what? So what that I have to work even harder while I’m pregnant because I’m just so exhausted? So what that I will go to work tired from lack of sleep rather than just not being a morning person? I fully believe that being a parent will be the greatest accomplishment of my life. Hopefully I will get to become a parent in the next few years. One way or another Josh and I will have children. Even if we have to adopt, tho I’m realizing now that if that is the road we must take, I’m going to be an absolute emotional wreck for quite some time before we adopt. Not being able to bear children is quickly becoming a fear of mine, and it wasn’t before. That means that if I am not actually able to, I’m going to succumb to a great sadness. But I don’t want to think about that anymore. For now, I just want a baby. No, I want to be pregnant… we aren’t ready for a baby yet.   

Bad luck bad day...

So the interview was a bust.. Among other things, there was a language barrier (manuals in French and German.. hubby only speaks English right now..) I don't know why on earth they interviewed him if they knew they needed someone with foreign language experience. Grr. To make things worse I can tell hubby is really bummed. So when he asked if we could go to his favorite sub joint for lunch I said sure. Well, now I've got to wait on a call from my mom b/c her gas got turned off and she's at work and can't meet the guy who's going to come turn it on. The gas company gives a 30 minute notice on when they'll be there, so I've got to run over to her house and let them in.. but this all means that we can't go to lunch b/c the sub joint is 30 min away... so it would be really bad if I get the call on the way there/back or while we're eating.. so hubby is bummed more about that.

To top off the day, I've got baby on the brain BIG TIME today. No job = no money = no insurance = no trying for baby yet. GRRRR. I need to get out of this house and concentrate on something else for like 3 months!

Edit: so I got this idea from a fellow blogger and nestie to throw ourselves a "pity party" last night. I wanted to cheer hubby up, so I went to the dollar store and got some Hawaiian/luau type stuff and decorated the front room with them. I also got some glow stick bracelets and two plastic wine goblets that have monkeys on them. We got Hawaiian pizza for dinner and played cards till it got dark enough to really see the glow sticks. Then we played ring toss for like two hours! In the dark! It was awesome! It ended up being a really fun, relaxing night! And just what we needed.

Cross your fingers for us!

So tomorrow hubby has an interview with a company right down the street from where we live! I'm so excited for him.. but cautiously so. Everything has been so stressful lately and hubby getting this job would mean so much. Health insurance, saving money for a home.. being able to start trying for a baby... all the good things we have on hold right now. I just keep telling myself that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.... even though lately all I've been seeing is darkness.

A restful stay [in] the hospital

Friday my grandpa was having a very hard time breathing. Bad enough he decided he needed to go to the er. So we took him. Apparently, congestive heart failure causes trouble breathing and low potassium which causes other problems.. like renal insufficiency. Not good. So they admitted him and kept him up until this evening. Now I love my grandfather like he was my father. He helped raise me from little on.. but the past month taking care of him has been hard on me and my husband. So this weekend away from grandpa was a much needed break. Grandpa got the medication he needed, and wonderful care at the hospital and hubby and I got to be loud and silly and relax at home.. or where ever it was we decided we wanted to go. I needed this break so badly. I am sorry that grandpa had to go to the hospital. BUT I had never heard of this hospital until he had rotator cuff surgery last month. The more experience I have with this hospital, the more I want to work there. The staff are wonderful! Everyone I've come into contact with has been super nice and taken lots of time with us to explain everything and answer all our questions with patience and kindness. I really hope I get the chance to work there someday.. Anyway, grandpa is on a very strict diet now, his fluids are restricted as well as his activity. This is not good, as he was already restricting his activities. I'm afraid if he just sits all day every day and does nothing... that he's going to fade away... and I don't want that. I miss my get-up-and-go grandpa.. the one who was always out and about, spending time at the local VFW with his buddies, or helping out with their fundraisers... but I guess those days are over now. So sad...

Looks like something...

I'm about to do a happy dance, but I'm not willing to write why just yet. I don't want to jinx myself. So after a while, I will write again to tell you (whomever you may be) what I'm hoping to do a happy dance for.

So hubby has been really helpful lately, and that's great especially since grandpa has been excruciatingly frustrating! My mom came over Sunday, which you would think would be a big help.. not so much. I had another breakdown too. Mostly because my mom still doesn't listen to me. I asked her a simple question, she answered and I proceeded to tell her why I asked. I never asked her advice or for criticism, but she gave it anyway. Told me I shouldn't worry about my irregular cycles because I'm not supposed to be trying to get pregnant in our current situation. Well, no shit mom, I just want to figure things out so that when we do start trying we don't have to do a ton of waiting while we figure things out. She wouldn't even let me get that sentence out. Then she told me I should have had the irregular periods taken care of in high school. High school?!?! Are you kidding me? I went to the Dr. and got on birth control, I thought that WAS the fix for it.. how was I to know it was temporary... no one told me! So then mom found out that I'm no longer on the pill... can we say irrational response? I know I can! She flipped. Not kidding. Then I told her why I went off them, the price ($78!) She told me to go to the health dept. downtown. That's fine, if I want to have some strange guy check out my who-ha and no, I don't. Plus I don't want to lose my current Dr. She's awesome and I don't want to get bumped as a patient. I guess if I was really really serious about figuring out what's going on with my cycles I'd go to the health dept. But it's not helpful for my mother to flip out on me about it. Anyway, needless to say after this "motherly" conversation, I retreated to the basement to bawl my eyes out to hubby. Poor guy, it's the third time I've had to do that since April. While that might not seem like a lot, it is for me. I'm usually more calm and I especially don't like to cry in front of anyone. Even hubby. I just don't like being that vulnerable.

Anyway, the evening ended really well, despite the rough start. We all had dinner and sat at the table laughing and joking and speaking Spanglish.. I need the laughs and I'm really glad that I was able to let go of the hurt from earlier enough to sit and laugh and enjoy time with my family. And that's one thing that I can say for certain is something hubby has taught me. I knew I married him for a reason!