I just had a bomb dropped on me

Okay so bear with me, this may get a little confusing for a moment. But I will try to lay it out as easily as I can.

My mom wanted more kids when she married my step dad. They tried for like 9 years, then mom got sick. All her testing said she could still have kids, and all his testing said he was the problem. Mom asked me to surrogate a baby for them, but by that time I was getting married, and my husband did not like the idea. I also hadn't even had my own kid yet, and so it would have been so strange to be carrying my biological brother or sister my first time being pregnant. Anyway, mom asked a few cousins and second cousins (so my cousin's kids.. all in their 20's) most of whom said no thank you. She wanted someone in the family so that they at least carried some DNA relatively close to hers. Then mom got so sick, she wouldn't even have been able to donate an egg, and that's when apparently my second cousin Amber said she'd donate an egg AND carry the baby. I knew none of this. Fast forward a few months and my mom passes away.

Fast forward to this year, 2 weeks ago. I run out at lunch to pick up food for dinner from a grocery store I never usually go to. As I'm getting into my car, my step dad pulls up and waves. So I jump out of my car and run over to give him a hug and say hi. We start talking and he says "I've got something to tell you" So I figure he's moving on and has a girlfriend. Ok, whatever. Nope. He's having a baby. Not with a girlfriend, but with my second cousin Amber. They are not dating, they had it all done at a fertility clinic. She's 20 weeks along with a boy. His name is Noah.

You could have picked me up off of the parking lot. I was floored. My second cousin Amber is apparently "gifting" this baby to him. So supposedly she will sign off all rights to the baby when he's born so that he will be solely my step-dads. HOWEVER, she will be breast feeding him for the first 6 months to a year AND will be "babysitting". Now, this is going to be her biological child. She has a 6 year old son already and he is calling the baby "his brother". The kid doesn't understand that the baby isn't theirs to keep.. but not only that, if it's not theirs to keep why the heck the baby is STAYING with them so much. It's all incredibly convoluted. Amber is also a stay at home mom. Now, while that is not a bad thing, she has no way of taking care of her kid so she depends on her mom (my cousin Lisa) Lisa pays for both her house (where Amber stays) AND stays with my step-dad and helps him make ends meet by paying a bill or two. It's so crazy. I asked her why Amber doesn't work and she says "she can't." Well, now that she's very pregnant, she might have trouble working, sure. But why couldn't she work before? No, this is a nice way for Amber to secure her stay at home status. She's "helping" my step-dad by taking care of his baby so she can't work. I'm probably not wording all this the best but good grief is this all a messed up situation.

Granted, this is really none of my business. BUT, my daughter loves my step-dad. So shortly after Christmas when he suddenly has a newborn baby she's going to wonder where he came from. She knows boys can't have babies. I'm struggling to figure out what to tell her. She's only 4, she doesn't need to know all the details of any of this. My husband is at a loss as to what to tell Abi also... But we've been discussing it and so we'll see. She doesn't need to know anything now of course. Then there's the nurturer in me.. and I so love my step-dad... I have offered him my baby gear; swing, jumper, bouncy seat, pack and play. All of it. Plus I'm planning crafts and gifts and things because well.. it's a baby that's being brought into my family, as strange of a situation as it is. And I want to love on that baby, partly because he's family and partly because I don't have a newborn of my own to dwell on... It's just all shocking and now that it has been a few weeks (I started this post the day I found out and am only now finishing it) I've had time to adjust to the idea. Again, I know, none of my business. And I know that my mom is looking down from heaven and happy that I'm wiling to help her husband out in anyway I can. I would be doing the same thing if she were alive. ..

Had to share...

So for the first time since last year, I actually have a follicle that looks promising. It's averaging 19mm (2.19 x 1.62 x 2.04cm) so it's one of the bigger ones I've seen for myself, and I'm just super excited. Of course, I can't tell hubby any of this because it'll freak him out (read; performance anxiety). Well see how this weekend goes and if I can get hubby to.. um.... co-operate. lol. Then I'll re-scan next Monday and see if the follicle is still there. The really funny thing is, it's my right ovary producing this follicle. The last few times I ovulated, I'm almost positive it was my right ovary. It has more of the traditional PCOS look to it than my left one, which is why I'm surprised.  I have my supplements to thank for this, I think. I've been on the myo-inositol for almost a month (3 or 4 days shy) plus the d-chiro inositol for maybe 3 weeks of that. I'm looking into adding red raspberry leaf tea (or pills as I'm not really a tea drinker) in hopes that by next month I'll be ovulating normally. Or, as close to normal as possible. I'm not holding my breath, because they say it usually takes about 3 months to get things regulated.

Okay, enough of that. Here's something new... I went to a weight loss seminar yesterday. There are a few options they offer, and while some of them seem to be exactly what I need, it scares me. Of the 2 options I'm looking into, they both include meal replacement shakes and specific prepackaged meals. But there are only 15 to choose from. And 2 shake flavors. One plan you can't even have fruits or veggies. Just the prepackaged stuff. And it's expensive! The food is 100-140$ per week! That's what I spend for a family of 3! But, it's low calorie, pre-portioned, totally laid out for me so I never have to question what I'm eating. It's called "decision free" and right now I feel like it's exactly what I need to drop some of this weight. But I don't want to keep eating the same thing over and over for a year. That's crazy! Plus no fruits or veggies? C'mon! So that second option (the one that allows fruits and veggies) is probably what I will end up going with. However, the weight loss is slower on that plan, and I really just want to get this weight off and be done with it.
I haven't completely decided what route I'm going to go yet. After talking it over with hubby I've decided to wait just a little while while I do some research and try to cut portions on my own. Plus I've ordered a treadmill that should be here by Tuesday. So my plan is to get walking on that every night and see how well I do committing to it. Because only eating the prescribed foods for long periods of time will be hard. Probably one of the hardest things I'll ever do in my life. But they promise results, IF you stick strictly to their plan. It's also medically supervised, and there's a weekly group educational class I'd have to attend. It's supposedly designed to teach you how to eat better and make better decisions once you're at your goal weight and can start eating regular foods again. Which takes approximately 12-20 months give or take. It's insane to think I could be half of myself by this time next year. .... still... pre-packaged food? And aspertame in the shakes? Blech. So we'll see.

And so begins

My decent into depression. This time of year is always hard for me... and it's gotten worse since my moms death. My mom and dads birthdays are this month. My mom and step-dads anniversary just passed, the date of my dads death is at the end of September.... My grandma and cousin both died a week apart just prior to Christmas. The holidays have always been somewhat of an issue for me, and so all this leading into Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years is just so much. I had gotten better for a few years until my grandma and cousin died. And I don't really know what it was about the Christmas/New Years holiday but I always remember being sick at Christmas and so sad at New years. I think it's because I just didn't like change and the coming of a new year meant that the last year was over. Which you wouldn't think a child would care about or even understand what that meant, but apparently I did.
I love fall. I love the cooler temperatures, the colors, the smells. Pumpkin spice everything, burning leaves, sweatshirts and jeans! But the emotional side of everything takes its toll. I try not to think about it, but I'm always sad/upset/uneasy on dads birthday and the day we found out he was gone. Whether I'm purposefully thinking about him or not, somehow my subconscious remembers. Which forces  me to deal with it. And now with mom gone, and her birthday was just 2 days before dads... it's just difficult. I've been working on it though, however, for some reason lately I've been super emotional. I'm hoping that means that my supplements are working and that my hormones are going back to a more "normal for me" mode. I always had super wicked PMS, so I'm hoping that this along with some other signs are a good thing. Only time will tell.
For now I'll just work on trying not to cry over every little stupid thing and not think about taking that pregnancy test in a week. I have about 6 in my bathroom cabinet, mostly because I'm on cycle day 55 and having those tests to take every so often is helpful. Even though I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will be negative. Because I have no symptoms of pregnancy other than an absent period. And I'm almost positive I haven't ovulated, based on those symptoms or lack there of. Knowing so much about a normal cycle, and realizing how abnormal mine is, is frustrating. When my co-workers complain about their periods I keep thinking "wow, already?" Or "again?" But they have normal cycles, every month, whereas I don't so of course it's odd to me. And frustrating. I hate not having that monthly chance to become pregnant. And there again, is another reason adding to my sadness. Boo.

New to me supplement

So I've started taking Myo-inositol in addition to my Vitex and an omega 3. The fish oil might be more for my joints ( I find if I don't take it for a while my knees begin to ache a lot!) but it's never a bad thing to add, since I don't eat a lot of fish. Okay, I don't eat fish. ;)
I've been on Vitex since January, and now I've been researching PCOS more and the two supplements that stand out as all stars for that are Myo-inositol and D Chiro-inositol. I was unable to find the D Chiro in our local vitamin store, but what I did find for the Myo-inositol is pretty cool. It's called Pre~mama, and it's a powder supplement that you pour into 12 oz of water. It dissolves completely, has no taste and as an added bonus it has folic acid! Which we all know is important for before, during and after pregnancy. I actually really like it! I've been taking it in the morning, which forces me to drink at least that 12oz or more of water before my morning coffee. I've been noticing a few changes with this supplement.. I'm a bit moodier, which I'm wondering if that means PMS and that I'll be starting soon? But also, there's been some physical changes as well. Good things.. . So anyway, I've ordered more of the Myo supplement (different brand) as well as D Chiro-inositol and should arrive by the time I run out of what I have. Perhaps I'll do a product review once I've finished them.. Who knows. All of the research I've done suggests that those two inositols together have the greatest reaction in a woman with PCOS to bring back regular cycles, diminish extra hair and allow for ovulation. Which I am desperate for. I wish I had a chance to become pregnant every month.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these will help me get back to normal. Or at least, close to it.

Parents.. back off already.

So, in addition to the child who fell into the gorilla exhibit we now have a poor little kid who has been killed by an alligator in Florida. All reports that I have seen state that the family was "wading at the water's edge." Which means what, up to their ankles? Okay, there are also reports stating that their are signs EVERYWHERE saying to stay out of the water. I've been to the Grand Floridian, I can attest to those signs. Be that as it may, a young boy was killed. You don't need to go any further than that. Can you just imagine the heartache and the deep gut wrenching sadness that his parents feel? Never mind that they shouldn't have been in the water, because they made that choice and now they have to live with the deep regret of their decision. That decision is probably tearing that family apart. You don't have to shove it in their faces. Yet here we are as a society, blaming the parents and telling them what they should have done... acting like we have high moral authority to shame, blame and bash those parents. Like everyone else is perfect. News flash, none of us are perfect. I've allowed my kid too much TV on occasions, even though I've sworn not to (because according to everyone TV is harmful to young brains) and my kid is fine. She's better than fine, she's incredibly smart and funny and talented and creative. I feed her some not so nutritious snacks, too often lately. But she's healthy and growing off the charts for height and her weight is perfect. I lose sight of her occasionally in a store (which freaks me out) so then I'll hold her hand or make doubly sure I'm watching her... I've taught her about "stranger danger" but she is so personable she'll talk to anyone with a kind face. The point is, as parents we need to give each other a break. There are too many demands on us as it is, and it's ridiculous to have to appease everyone else when we are struggling with the demands of a family and our own inner critic. This family is probably dying inside every day from the loss of their little boy. Leave them alone!

Mish mash

I have been hiding a lot lately. I feel disgusting, carrying around all this extra weight that I can't for the life of me seem to shed and so I've been hibernating in my house. Which makes me feel so alone. I go to work, Abi goes to school (unless she's sick like she was last week, poor kiddo) and then I come home. If I go out at all, it's to the store and I end up spending way too much money on things that I could probably do without. I know Abi could. I've been feeling like the worst parent in the world lately too. I haven't been playing with Abi as much, and while most of the time she takes it like a champ.. it's the days where the chores have really piled up and I just need to get it all done that she's clingy and begs me to play with her. My heart breaks on my days off because I'm constantly saying "not right now sweetie" to my precious girl who just wants my time. But my house.. oh my house. Every time I get it into some sort of normal, clean-ish order something happens and it all goes to hell. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up.. the living room is insane right now because we have a new couch and have yet to get rid of the old stuff. So it's all packed in there. Toys and art supplies constantly litter the floor (even after I've picked them up a hundred times) Abi doesn't get the concept of helping yet.. or rather she does but deems it "boring!" so to avoid a fight I just let her play most of the time. Don't get me wrong, she will help at times. And it's going to get worse before it gets better I'm sure. But I'm just.. stuck. And I know I complain a lot, but I have no where else to vent. My husband is a "fixer" and so even if I just want to talk to get something off my chest, he's always trying to come up with a way to fix it. He's giving advice and that's all well and good but sometimes I just don't want it. Unfortunately, I have to be careful about how much I complain to him without "fixing" my problem because eventually he'll just stop listening. He's never gotten mean with me about things, but I can tell when I've exhausted a topic.

Anyway... Lots of happy things happen too. Like Abi had her 4 year well check yesterday and did fantastic! Hardly any crying for her shot and is healthy and perfect. She's so tall she's off their chart. Seriously, my 4 year old is 3'8"!!!!! So tall!
This past weekend we got a kitty. Originally we were going to get a girl, but it ended up there were only boys to choose from so... we have a little grey and white kitty and we named him Genie after the Genie in Aladdin. Abi did not do so well in the listening department for the first few days, and she would hold him too roughly, or drop him into/onto something. There has been a lot of correcting and I know I'm feeling bad about it, so I'm sure she is too. Poor kid, she is just so excited to have a kitty! But we've had some good times too. He likes to meow to us and climb up on our chests to be petted to sleep. He's got the tiniest little kitty face! I love him so much! lol I'm on my work computer, or I'd post pictures (because I've already got a ton!) But I'll have to leave that for another day. So, he's my baby for now until I can maybe hopefully get myself into a healthy place to have another human baby. Ahhh... someday.

Changes

I just wanted to give a heads up to anyone who might still follow me on here.. Thank you, firstly. I feel less alone knowing someone actually reads these. Second, I am thinking of changing my blog name. .. My thoughts were to possibly start focusing on my struggles in having another baby. Or at least have a blog title that more accurately represents that that is what I will be talking about quite a bit. I'm thinking of "To Fertility.. And Beyond" (catchy, right? Unless it's offensive, in which case let me know and I won't use it!) That's not all I'll be focusing on, but there's so much that has changed for me this past year with regard to trying for another.. and I've noticed that I've been focusing a lot on that. So a blog title change would be a good thing, I'm thinking.