Disney World!!

We just got back from our fabulous Disney vacation and I am so glad we went! The weather was beautiful, the parks weren't too badly crowded.. and Abi was FANTASTIC just about the entire trip! Here's a list of the firsts she experienced last week:
First family vacation
First flight on an airplane
First time sleeping in a hotel
First time to Disney
First time swimming in a pool
First time on a motor coach
First time on the Monorail
First time riding anywhere without her car seat
First time eating at a cafeteria type place

I'm sure there are so many more, but these are the ones that stand out for me right now. Abi was such a good girl the whole time, she rarely whined or fussed, she listened to us pretty well and oh my gosh when she met her favorite princess!!!! She was just absolutely amazed!

I'm not on my personal computer, so I'll have to share pictures later, but I did want to get a post started about our trip. I will finish later (hopefully tonight, so things are still fresh in my brain!)

Last Night..

Last night I hit my breaking point. I cried in the shower for the first time since mom died.
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.

The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...

I need a vacation from so many things... And to start writing again. But every time I start a post, I can't seem to finish it. Bummer.

Lost

So.. Here I am. Waiting. It seems like all I'm good for is waiting. There are so many things going through my head that it constantly hurts. My husband and I are at an odd place and a lot of it is my unwillingness to speak. .. And his unwillingness to hear me. I'm a bit lost because I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do and it's this aching feeling of "must do something!!!" But there's nothing I can do. I can't make my situation different because I can't change my husbands mind. So I have to change... But that just makes me mad. Because I don't want to give up having a bigger family, I want to make us whole.. He just doesn't see that.  Or feel that. The most amazing thing I've ever done is make a baby. The best I've ever felt is when I was pregnant with her. I'm so in awe of who we made... We made a little person! And this tiny human, with all of her blonde hair and blue eyes, her smiles and the adorable way she crinkles up her nose in pictures.. Her laugh is so contagious, she is such a joyful child, and even in her bad days I still see the miracle she is. I want that again. I want another sweet angel to snuggle... I want to spread the love. But I'm being made to feel like I'm not allowed... And it's tearing me up inside to think of what this might mean. 

I've talked briefly to my therapist about this, and I'm sure in my next session we will go into it deeper. She says my husband and I need to have many more in depth discussions about it.. To figure out why he really doesn't want to have another baby. But I know my husband.. The more we talk about something, when nothing's changed with the situation, he gets angry and frustrated and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Ever. So something has to change... And as always it has to be me.

And I'm done

... second cycle of 100mg Clomid, it worked but there's no chance for me this cycle. Beyond anything, hubby has decided he's to stressed by actually trying and wants to go to a if it happens it happens.. pull the goalie thing. Hate to tell you hun, I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN anymore. If I don't take meds, there's no chance at all. He doesn't seem to care. He says we have one and I should be happy with that. But I'm not. I know there are people out there who don't have any children.. and I may be being selfish, but darn it I want another baby. I'm not happy, I feel there's a void in our lives, in our family. I need to be proactive about it, I cannot just let it happen. Because then it won't. I'm so stressed out about it all.. even though I'm trying not to be because I know the stress doesn't help. Still not having the best luck losing weight, on top of weird cycles, mixed with extra hormones I don't need make for a really bad combo when trying to get pregnant. So I guess I'm done. I get one more round of Clomid, and probably won't even get to baby dance around the time I'm need to bc hubby is being a stubborn butt. When we met we both wanted 2-4 kids.. then after Abi he wanted 1... just her... and it's taken me this long to talk him into trying for another... But now he doesn't want to try.. and I'm so frustrated and angry and I just want to be pregnant already... :-(

Success.. A little

Well.. It would appear that last cycle worked, and I actually ovulated. Which is good... But we are not pregnant so on to the next cycle. I am ordering some supplements for this round, as well as stocking up on less expensive ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests. Mostly because I am addicted to peeing on them. Sad. True.
I'm still working on getting healthier, tho it's not going too well. I'm just not able to kick the coffee and sweets. My comfort foods.. Especially now. There have been so many times recently that I just wanted to text or call my mom... And when I realize I can't I just lose it. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And it sucks. Mom's birthday is this Friday. We are taking my step dad to dinner, but it's just going to feel wrong without mom.

Snails pace

Things are not going the way I had hoped they would. I'm not sure clomid is going to work for me. Which begs the question, what next? I know there are a few other meds I can try, metformin for one. But I'll likely have to stop my other meds for a few months while I start that.. There's another med that takes the place of clomid, letrozole I believe.. It hasn't been approved by the fda for infertility as it has negative side effects on a pregnancy. But it's supposed to be out of the system by the time I'd get pregnant so it shouldn't be an issue. I don't know what route my dr will go. I'm thinking if this round doesn't work, that I'm going to take a few months to try to lose some weight  and try again around Christmas. And it will all have to be under hubby's radar bc he's been getting some anxiety and not wanting to do the deed so to speak. 

Speaking of losing weight... If I don't end up getting lucky this cycle, I'm starting shakeology and the 21 day fix through beach body. I have a friend who is a coach and he and his wife have had amazing results!! So I'm hoping this might be the something different to kick start my weight loss. We will see.