2ww

Ahhh... The two week wait... Why did I think it would be any more bearable this time around...not to mention I am so out of practice with tracking my signs and such.. Oy. I have a little over a week left and I'm itching to start testing already.. This is going to be a very long week....

50 Shades of F'd Up

So as you might have guessed from the title, I have been reading 50 Shades of Grey. I got it from hubby for my birthday (well, I got an Amazon gift card to use on books for my kindle, him knowing full well that this was one of the books I wanted to read) I am not usually one to get into the hype of things and I don't read books when they first become popular, first was Harry Potter.. I didn't start reading them until after I had seen the first movie, and after book five was out for a while. Then with Twilight, I hadn't heard anything about it really, then something on the internet caught my eye so I looked it up. Most, if not all of the books were out buy the time I bought the first one.. and I read the first chapter and put it back down for about a month before trying again. It was just too slow for me in the beginning.. I liked all those enough, Harry Potter much more than Twilight, but I liked them enough to reread them several times. Imagine my disappointment when I began reading the 50 Shades book only to draw some very unsatisfying conclusions.

First; while knowing the series started off on a Twilight fan fiction site, I did not realize the blazing resemblance between 50 Shades and Twilight. Sure, there's more sex, but mostly there's this guy who's exceedingly beautifully handsome and this clumsy girl, who's younger than the guy, who regards herself as not pretty or beautiful.. and he falls for her. He likes to smell her (HELLO, Edward much!?) I've just hit chapter 17 so I'm sure I'll draw more comparisons soon.

Second; It is not very sexy to call your private parts your "sex" .. that is not exactly accurate anyway but I digress.. She'll say clitoris but eludes to "down there" or "there" then calls it her sex... Very unsatisfying and under developed.

Not to mention the naivete of the girl, she's a college grad and doesn't know she'd "stretch" during intercourse? Come on! It's a little far fetched, even for a virgin.

Third; And I am hoping this is just a Kindle edition issue, there are a LOT of misspelled words. Random words with extra letters, words that seem made up (and I have checked definitions on several.. no such words) It's all a little off putting, and it makes for a hard read.. even though it's not a hard read. Almost everything is very simply laid out (much like Twilight) as if it was written for a younger audience. Which, surely it was not. Not in the final edition.. It couldn't be, not with all that sex and bondage and contracts!

Fourth; Aside from some literary references and a few other words, the book seems very simply written. The context might be deeper, but the words are simple... or is it just me? I'm used to reading a lot of different types of things. Fiction, non fiction, youth novels (some of my favorite are the Giver series) lots of anatomy and physiology books lately, lol. The hardest book I have ever read is Wicked. That is a very hard read and it took me forever to get through it, but it is a very good book. 50 Shades seems to me like it wants to be a good book, it just seems to be stuck between too simple with the structure and too complex with the BDSM theme.

Finally; how many orgasms can a gal have? Oh that's right more than one, but Ana's are a little excessive and happen far too easily. Not to mention, they have sex twice, in such quick succession? Grey is like the perfect guy in that aspect, but (in my experience) guys aren't ready to go again so quickly and if by chance you get a second go around it's usually to finish what was started with the woman (who most likely did not reach climax the first time) Just being realistic. I know that many of these books are about fantasy, but sometimes they can get a little too off base for me. If I want that unrealistic, I'll read one of my Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter books. Further into the series all she does is basically have "amazing" physical and metaphysical sex with multiple gorgeous men. Multiple times a day. Talk about unrealistic. Not to mention they are either vampires or shapeshifters.

I like it enough to keep reading, I find myself almost as engrossed in the story as in my other adult novels. And it's not that bad, it's just not exactly what I was expecting. All that darned hype that I don't usually get caught up in.. yeah, it got me this time. lol.

Hurry up and wait

So I got that job, right? And I have yet to be called by HR to set up orientation.. I've been told that their is one person in charge of contacting all of the new hires and that it takes about 2 weeks for her to get everything together before contacting them.. I'm anxious and a bit frustrated. Hubby thinks I'm being ungrateful for what I have, and I'm not trying to be. But I'm excited to get started and it's starting to feel like it's all been a dream. I have confirmation that I'm going to receive an "official" offer, but until then I'm still in limbo.

Anyway a few updates not pertaining to my job.. Abi has been a very moody little girl lately. It seems like the smallest things will set her into a crying fit. And she's back to only wanting me again. It makes me sad that hubby has to sit there and watch her cling to me like he's not her parent too... He acts like he's okay, but I know that deep down it's hurting him to see that he's not even in the running for favorite parent. Not that there should be favorites! But you know what I mean. Right? But in all the negative, there is always a ton of positive. Abi is such a little ham, always making us laugh. She loves playing with her barbies so much, she barely plays with her other toys. It's funny in a way, but I'm kind of regretting getting her barbies so young.

A what?? A JOB!

So I got a call on Tuesday that one of the major hospitals in my area is actually interested in hiring me! (This is one of the two recent I had applied to) The manager officially offered me the job and told me HR would be calling me to set up orientation. He wasn't sure how long it would take them though, because "things have been running at a snails pace".. and I haven't heard from them yet. I'm getting antsy because I volunteer Mondays and I don't want to leave them out in the cold for a sonographer if I get a call early Monday to be there asap. I'm very excited, but a little put out that they aren't more professional about all this. It's all a frustrating hurry up and wait kind of thing but... at least I'm going to be working and finally using my degree! It's only a contingent position which means I'll be taking mostly call (1am I get called to come in to work.. then again at 2 and 4am... mostly weekends blah) but it's where most of us have to start off to have any sort of career down the road. Works for me!

Two more job opportunities!

Thursday I was emailed by the supervisor of a sonography department in one of our major hospitals. I had interviewed there back in September, but since he hadn't received the "go ahead" to hire anyone (he'd jumped the gun in interviewing anyone) I didn't get the job. But this time he has the all clear to hire and he thought of me first! So I sent my application and am keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get called to come in to meet with HR and sign paperwork!

Then today I get a message from a classmate that her place of employment is hiring. She gave me the email of the hiring manager and told me that they are getting tired of their contingents not responding to call. So I'll be on call.. a lot of the time I'm working. But it's a job! So I sent her my resume and I'm keeping my fingers crossed here too (I'll take 2 contingent jobs over nothing at all!) I'm really excited about these opportunities especially since I've only been volunteering until now. There really hasn't been a lot of job opportunities the past few months. ..

Today is my birthday. I feel old, lol. I don't want to be a downer on my birthday so I went and got a massage for the first time since 2007. It was so nice and relaxing (except that the massage therapist talked the whole time!!) But she was still very good and I feel like a new woman. When I start working and build up some extra money I'm going to try to get a massage at least once a month. Dreamin' I know! LOL

Foods

Okay so I have been meaning to write this for a while. I am hoping to write more about my cooking adventures, but who knows when I will find the time, lol. So here are several meals from the past week that I'm actually pretty proud of. The first one is the only one that I've remembered to take photos as  I preped and cooked, but I'm sure most of you aren't interested in the prep. The first is a lightened version of tater tot casserole. 

So first I chopped/diced 2 stalks of celery, and a bunch of green onions and minced some fresh garlic. Save the green tops of the onions for garnish. I also diced a red pepper.

I used ground turkey instead of beef, browned it up and drained the juices. I also added onion, garlic, cumin, tumeric and salt and pepper. I kind of just sprinkle until I'm happy, I'm a big seasonings/spices girl.

Once browned add veggies

Sprinkle 2-3 table spoons of flour over top and mix to combine. I was following another recipe, but it called for a cup each of chicken stock and milk. But I've found that produces too much liquid, so I'd scale it back to 3/4 cup each. 

Cook until thickend. I usually have to turn up the heat to get it to thicken, but that's probably because of the pan I'm using (can't stand non -stick, but stainless steel makes me crazy too!) After it's thickened, toss it into your favorite casserole dish, top with frozen tater tots and cook according to tot package directions until the top is browned and the sauce is bubbly. Top with diced onions and cheese. 

Looks like this and is so super yummy!

You can put all kinds of things in this, we also like broccoli, carrots, peas or corn. I take a picture of my food and Abi says "take a pictur of mine mommy!!" So...

Here's Abi's plate. LOL

Next up was chili. Super easy because I did it in the crock pot. 2-3 cans diced tomatoes (some with oregano, onion and garlic, others just plain) and a can of chili ready beans (mild) Brown ground beef with cumin and chili powder, onion and garlic powder and of course salt and pepper. Then toss it into the crock pot with the tomatoes and beans. I also added frozen green beans and corn. I always add extra seasonings into the pot, again because I'm a spicy girl. And basically set to high or low dependingn on how much time you have and let it go 3-6 hours to let the flavors marry. 

Next up is chicken and gnocchi stoup. 3 chicken breasts in a crock pot with enough chicken stock to come up just above the chicken. Add a box of cream of chicken soup (we use organic and it's in a box instead of a can, so whatever your preference here) Onion and garlic powder, celery seed, salt and pepper to taste. Turn it on high for about 2-3 hours. Then add frozen peas and carrots, 30 minutes later, once it's nice and hot again add whole wheat gnocchi. That cooks fast but I like to leave it in for another 30 minutes or so. Pull the chicken about 10 minutes before you're ready to eat, shred it and put it back to soak in more juice. This stuff is so amazing, we actually fight over leftovers! 

And here's Abi's since she wanted another picture of her food, lol.

Finally, last nights meal, quinoa and bean stuffed peppers. I am not a big fan of cooked peppers like this, so to save time (and flavor) I skipped cooking the peppers and just chopped them into the stuffing. Which is quinoa, seasoned with cumin, onion, garlic and a little tumeric, salt and pepper... pinto beans (we use all kinds of beans for this, but I'm finding I really like the pinto) Then I minced cilantro and added that to it (Abi however, did not like the cilantro so I had to make her meal slightly differently.) Finished the whole thing off with some feta cheese and the peppers. I like to add a splash of lemon or lime juice, but I can't for Abi so I usually omit that all together. This is such a yummy and super easy dinner! I love it and we usually eat a variation of it once a week or so. 

I was really feeling the comfort foods this week, and I'm hoping that theme doesn't carry on because some of them can get a little on the fattier/heavier side.. but I do always try to lighten it up if at all possible. :) If you make anything I've blogged about, let me know how you liked it and what changes , if any you made. I'm always looking for ways to improve on my meals! 

Enough

There are times when I feel overwhelmed and am so stressed out that I can't even think straight...
Those times when the laundry needs to be washed/dried/folded/put away and I haven't got the energy...
Times when dishes need to be washed because they're piling up in the sink.. again..
When Abi is sick for the third time in a month of back to back to back colds..
Times when I am so angry and frustrated at my husband for all those little things that I let build up without telling him and letting them go...
When I yell at Abi to stop doing something, or start doing something or to just listen to me, and the guilt just eats me alive...
When I feel the lack of my friendships that have been long neglected, or just remember that I have no one to help us.. no friends, no healthy family... we are it...
When I think of all the things I could have done with Abi today, the brain building activities and other super mom fun things I should be doing with her...
Those times when I just cannot get motivated, and then feel like the worst mother and wife in the world...
When it feels like there isn't enough of me to go around.. my husband needs me, my daughter needs me, my mother can't take care of her business and her husband is just wasting money...
In those times I begin to wonder... am I enough? Am I good enough, strong enough, kind enough... smart enough? Can I break the barriers to living a fulfilled life? Am I doing all I can for Abi? Am I neglecting my marriage by being too engrossed in being a mom? Can I find a way to be happy in my current situation so that I can be enough for my family? How do I get rid of the guilt of leaving my baby in daycare to go to school for something that I now can't get a job doing. Is being a stay at home mom all I'm really destined to do? I feel horrible, but I don't want to be home all the time.. it isn't enough for me, I want more. But right now I'm so down on myself, and there's no open positions anywhere... so I'm reduced to applying for seasonal retail work... I don't want to work retail but I need an income... any income... so that I can feel like enough.