Hurry up and wait

So I got that job, right? And I have yet to be called by HR to set up orientation.. I've been told that their is one person in charge of contacting all of the new hires and that it takes about 2 weeks for her to get everything together before contacting them.. I'm anxious and a bit frustrated. Hubby thinks I'm being ungrateful for what I have, and I'm not trying to be. But I'm excited to get started and it's starting to feel like it's all been a dream. I have confirmation that I'm going to receive an "official" offer, but until then I'm still in limbo.

Anyway a few updates not pertaining to my job.. Abi has been a very moody little girl lately. It seems like the smallest things will set her into a crying fit. And she's back to only wanting me again. It makes me sad that hubby has to sit there and watch her cling to me like he's not her parent too... He acts like he's okay, but I know that deep down it's hurting him to see that he's not even in the running for favorite parent. Not that there should be favorites! But you know what I mean. Right? But in all the negative, there is always a ton of positive. Abi is such a little ham, always making us laugh. She loves playing with her barbies so much, she barely plays with her other toys. It's funny in a way, but I'm kind of regretting getting her barbies so young.

A what?? A JOB!

So I got a call on Tuesday that one of the major hospitals in my area is actually interested in hiring me! (This is one of the two recent I had applied to) The manager officially offered me the job and told me HR would be calling me to set up orientation. He wasn't sure how long it would take them though, because "things have been running at a snails pace".. and I haven't heard from them yet. I'm getting antsy because I volunteer Mondays and I don't want to leave them out in the cold for a sonographer if I get a call early Monday to be there asap. I'm very excited, but a little put out that they aren't more professional about all this. It's all a frustrating hurry up and wait kind of thing but... at least I'm going to be working and finally using my degree! It's only a contingent position which means I'll be taking mostly call (1am I get called to come in to work.. then again at 2 and 4am... mostly weekends blah) but it's where most of us have to start off to have any sort of career down the road. Works for me!

Two more job opportunities!

Thursday I was emailed by the supervisor of a sonography department in one of our major hospitals. I had interviewed there back in September, but since he hadn't received the "go ahead" to hire anyone (he'd jumped the gun in interviewing anyone) I didn't get the job. But this time he has the all clear to hire and he thought of me first! So I sent my application and am keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get called to come in to meet with HR and sign paperwork!

Then today I get a message from a classmate that her place of employment is hiring. She gave me the email of the hiring manager and told me that they are getting tired of their contingents not responding to call. So I'll be on call.. a lot of the time I'm working. But it's a job! So I sent her my resume and I'm keeping my fingers crossed here too (I'll take 2 contingent jobs over nothing at all!) I'm really excited about these opportunities especially since I've only been volunteering until now. There really hasn't been a lot of job opportunities the past few months. ..

Today is my birthday. I feel old, lol. I don't want to be a downer on my birthday so I went and got a massage for the first time since 2007. It was so nice and relaxing (except that the massage therapist talked the whole time!!) But she was still very good and I feel like a new woman. When I start working and build up some extra money I'm going to try to get a massage at least once a month. Dreamin' I know! LOL

Foods

Okay so I have been meaning to write this for a while. I am hoping to write more about my cooking adventures, but who knows when I will find the time, lol. So here are several meals from the past week that I'm actually pretty proud of. The first one is the only one that I've remembered to take photos as  I preped and cooked, but I'm sure most of you aren't interested in the prep. The first is a lightened version of tater tot casserole. 

So first I chopped/diced 2 stalks of celery, and a bunch of green onions and minced some fresh garlic. Save the green tops of the onions for garnish. I also diced a red pepper.

I used ground turkey instead of beef, browned it up and drained the juices. I also added onion, garlic, cumin, tumeric and salt and pepper. I kind of just sprinkle until I'm happy, I'm a big seasonings/spices girl.

Once browned add veggies

Sprinkle 2-3 table spoons of flour over top and mix to combine. I was following another recipe, but it called for a cup each of chicken stock and milk. But I've found that produces too much liquid, so I'd scale it back to 3/4 cup each. 

Cook until thickend. I usually have to turn up the heat to get it to thicken, but that's probably because of the pan I'm using (can't stand non -stick, but stainless steel makes me crazy too!) After it's thickened, toss it into your favorite casserole dish, top with frozen tater tots and cook according to tot package directions until the top is browned and the sauce is bubbly. Top with diced onions and cheese. 

Looks like this and is so super yummy!

You can put all kinds of things in this, we also like broccoli, carrots, peas or corn. I take a picture of my food and Abi says "take a pictur of mine mommy!!" So...

Here's Abi's plate. LOL

Next up was chili. Super easy because I did it in the crock pot. 2-3 cans diced tomatoes (some with oregano, onion and garlic, others just plain) and a can of chili ready beans (mild) Brown ground beef with cumin and chili powder, onion and garlic powder and of course salt and pepper. Then toss it into the crock pot with the tomatoes and beans. I also added frozen green beans and corn. I always add extra seasonings into the pot, again because I'm a spicy girl. And basically set to high or low dependingn on how much time you have and let it go 3-6 hours to let the flavors marry. 

Next up is chicken and gnocchi stoup. 3 chicken breasts in a crock pot with enough chicken stock to come up just above the chicken. Add a box of cream of chicken soup (we use organic and it's in a box instead of a can, so whatever your preference here) Onion and garlic powder, celery seed, salt and pepper to taste. Turn it on high for about 2-3 hours. Then add frozen peas and carrots, 30 minutes later, once it's nice and hot again add whole wheat gnocchi. That cooks fast but I like to leave it in for another 30 minutes or so. Pull the chicken about 10 minutes before you're ready to eat, shred it and put it back to soak in more juice. This stuff is so amazing, we actually fight over leftovers! 

And here's Abi's since she wanted another picture of her food, lol.

Finally, last nights meal, quinoa and bean stuffed peppers. I am not a big fan of cooked peppers like this, so to save time (and flavor) I skipped cooking the peppers and just chopped them into the stuffing. Which is quinoa, seasoned with cumin, onion, garlic and a little tumeric, salt and pepper... pinto beans (we use all kinds of beans for this, but I'm finding I really like the pinto) Then I minced cilantro and added that to it (Abi however, did not like the cilantro so I had to make her meal slightly differently.) Finished the whole thing off with some feta cheese and the peppers. I like to add a splash of lemon or lime juice, but I can't for Abi so I usually omit that all together. This is such a yummy and super easy dinner! I love it and we usually eat a variation of it once a week or so. 

I was really feeling the comfort foods this week, and I'm hoping that theme doesn't carry on because some of them can get a little on the fattier/heavier side.. but I do always try to lighten it up if at all possible. :) If you make anything I've blogged about, let me know how you liked it and what changes , if any you made. I'm always looking for ways to improve on my meals! 

Enough

There are times when I feel overwhelmed and am so stressed out that I can't even think straight...
Those times when the laundry needs to be washed/dried/folded/put away and I haven't got the energy...
Times when dishes need to be washed because they're piling up in the sink.. again..
When Abi is sick for the third time in a month of back to back to back colds..
Times when I am so angry and frustrated at my husband for all those little things that I let build up without telling him and letting them go...
When I yell at Abi to stop doing something, or start doing something or to just listen to me, and the guilt just eats me alive...
When I feel the lack of my friendships that have been long neglected, or just remember that I have no one to help us.. no friends, no healthy family... we are it...
When I think of all the things I could have done with Abi today, the brain building activities and other super mom fun things I should be doing with her...
Those times when I just cannot get motivated, and then feel like the worst mother and wife in the world...
When it feels like there isn't enough of me to go around.. my husband needs me, my daughter needs me, my mother can't take care of her business and her husband is just wasting money...
In those times I begin to wonder... am I enough? Am I good enough, strong enough, kind enough... smart enough? Can I break the barriers to living a fulfilled life? Am I doing all I can for Abi? Am I neglecting my marriage by being too engrossed in being a mom? Can I find a way to be happy in my current situation so that I can be enough for my family? How do I get rid of the guilt of leaving my baby in daycare to go to school for something that I now can't get a job doing. Is being a stay at home mom all I'm really destined to do? I feel horrible, but I don't want to be home all the time.. it isn't enough for me, I want more. But right now I'm so down on myself, and there's no open positions anywhere... so I'm reduced to applying for seasonal retail work... I don't want to work retail but I need an income... any income... so that I can feel like enough.

The job hunt

So I have been graduated since May and I have had 4 interviews for jobs in my field. Each time I felt I interviewed better than the last (practice makes perfect) and after the 2nd I felt I'd gotten the next.. then when I didn't get it I thought I got the last.. and I haven't. At this point I am so discouraged that I haven't been hired for even a per diem position (on call, less than part time mostly) and I feel absolutely useless in this household. Hubby worries about money. Not that we're in dire straights or anything, but he wants to cut some corners so that we still have that safety net should, God forbid, anything happen. But the more he tells me we need to "stop spending on X" the worse I feel that we can't keep spending on the things we've become accustomed to. Our biggest expenditure is our grocery bill, and I've been trying to coupon to help save some money but I'm not very good at it. And really, we don't use 90% of the stuff the coupons are for so why use them at all? But really, hubby buys name brand stuff and doesn't really price compare and it drives me insane! He's usually the only one who goes to the grocery store (since I have no income to go spend) and so I can't police his purchases... But of course he's not fully to blame. We as a family waste too much food. So many left overs go uneaten and we have such a hard time scaling our cooking down to reasonable 4 portion meals. Which is funny but it's not. We've always cooked that way, even when there were just two of us.. but now with Abi we want dinner for her and leftovers for her lunch the next day. But we usually end up with about 6 servings and no one eats the rest... it's just awful! But we're working on it, which is good. It's just something I'll have to work harder at since I'm not working. I guess my job now is to try to save us as much money as I can. But I'm not happy being a stay at home mom, I want to go out and work and utilize my degree. The last 4 years is a waste until I obtain gainful employment. I feel useless because I'm not working and bringing money into this house. Hubby says I'm not useless, and that he and Abi know my worth. But I need to have my own money. Money doesn't define me, I know this. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm living with my father instead of my husband.. having to ask permission to buy something or ask for money to reimburse the emergency milk/last minute dinner prep I had to buy.  I haven't had to ask for money since sophomore year in high school before I got my first job. This is really hard for me. And now it's to the point where I have to start applying for any job, just so that I have money coming in. Because there is so little in my bank account I now worry about overdrawing when I have to buy gas. I hate it, and it isn't that I'm not trying to find work.

I've applied to every ultrasound job I can feasibly drive to from my home. Most want me to live within 30 minutes of the hospital, so I can take call. That's fine, there just isn't a very high demand in my area. I feel like I went into the wrong field of medicine, but I know I could have never been a nurse. They put up with way too much  crap. Plus I love ultrasound, I just don't know if it's going to be what I end up doing. I'm even thinking about going back to school just so that I'm doing something.. but that means more student loans and I just can't add to that right now. (that's yet another bill hubby pays for me, and it makes me feel like crap, because it's not his debt it's mine) And now I'm rambling so I need to take a break and form a coherent thought before I continue.. so it's off to check on dinner!

My experience with the Paraguard IUD

I want to start by saying I appreciate you reading my blog. I have been out of the habit of writing for a while and if you're still around checking in on me, I am grateful. This post however, will be a little TMI and a little personal and if you didn't want to ready about my IUD before, then this post is probably not going to interest you. I keep this blog as a journal for myself, as much as I like to blog for others, and read others blogs. So anyway I appreciate you reading, but if you don't read this one I'll understand. ;)



I got my IUD about a year and a half ago. In the beginning I really like it. No pills, no condoms no hormones. It was the Paraguard IUD and since it's copper there were very little side effects. Then about 3 months after having it put in I started spotting in between periods. Nothing major, nothing my Dr. was worried about, but enough to make me feel icky and keep me and hubby from being intimate. After a few months of that, it became more of an every other week thing.. I'd spot for a week, be okay for a few days then spot some more. Eventually I was bleeding more than not and I finally got to the point I'd had enough. My Dr. removed it at the end of September and I haven't had an issue with spotting since. I am so happy I finally got it taken out but then it leaves us in a bit of a conundrum.. we are not ready to expand our family just yet.. and I am not going back on hormonal birth control. It was a horrendous feeling, I hated that it made it almost impossible to lose weight and not to mention that hbc puts you a greater risk for some cancers. So to condoms we go.. again.. sadly. I miss my IUD only in that it allowed greater spontaneity and passion, but only that one day a month when I wasn't bleeding. In the past year we've only been intimate I'd say about 12 times.. yeah that's not good.. so really I guess I don't miss it all that much. But now hubby's on the "I hate condoms" kick. But only in that we've had a pregnancy "scare" (and I use that term gently because I know it is a struggle for some to conceive, and I don't want to upset anyone) and he is afraid that a condom will fail. So we're almost back to not being intimate again because hubby is afraid of us getting pregnant. I am at a loss. I think eventually he will get over it but geese.. I just want to be a married couple again.