Ali, a fellow mommy and blog pal I follow wrote a very poignant post the other day about being emotional over the thought of weaning her daughter. Let me just say that as I read it I sat here and bawled my eyes out. It's like that any time I ready anything about breast feeding these days. Poor Abi was in her jumper staring at me like I was crazy because I was crying and I don't think she knew what to do. Any way, I cried because I haven't breast feed since August... I haven't given Abi breast milk since the end of September... and that makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel like I gave up trying too soon, like I should have and could have done more to keep what little I was giving her flowing so that she at least had some breast milk until her first birthday... Which was my goal. It was a big goal, but then I tend to set largely unattainable goals for myself and really beat myself up when I fail. This isn't just failing me though, I feel like I've failed my family. We spend so much on formula because I couldn't exclusively breast feed... Abi had to be supplemented from 2 weeks on... and let me tell you I am still so mad at our first pediatrician for scaring me into that. But I also know it's not entirely her fault. Then of course I'm failing the most important person in the world, my little Abi by not giving her what's best for her. And now I'm sitting here crying again for the millionth time over this. I know right now I'm over emotional because it's *achem* that time of the month, so the tears are flowing a lot harder than normal.. but I still get upset when I think about it at other times as well. Why can't I let this go? Why can't I get over the fact that I was not able to exclusively breast feed and that I am now done with it and haven't done it for a few months and can't go back? I still have my snuggle time with Abi, just us before naps and bedtime. I don't know... I think I should bring it up to my dr or something because this has been a reoccurring almost depression kind of funk that I get myself into. It doesn't stop me from enjoying Abi or eventually having fun, except for the time it takes to cry and such... I just ... ugh I wish I had words to express this feeling... And it doesn't help that I really don't have many people to talk to. I think that after Abi was born everyone just sort of got upset that I wasn't coming around or asking them to come over to meet Abi (well, duh! I just had a baby I was not up for much company or to go anywhere) and now many of my friends have stopped talking to me altogether. Even my mommy friends are so busy we don't really talk anymore, even over Facebook. Then at school, the group of friends that I have are all single with no kids. Go figure. There's 4 of us who regularly sit together/hang out in school.. the rest of the 10 students all hang out.. a lot. And they go out on weekends and "party"... mind you, some of them, a lot of them have kids too... Where do they find the time to go anywhere? Have I been that busy with Abi and school that I've put everything else so far out of my mind that I can't even find a way to have a couple of hours to myself? I'm still socially awkward, and I never used to be... even with the girls I call my friends at school. The only people I'm ok around anymore are hubby and Abi... and that's not good. Well, It's not healthy anyway. I just don't know how to break away from this mindset. Not to mention that I have nowhere to go and no one to go with (except hubby and Abi) I keep telling myself that things will get better when Abi gets older, but by then I will have lost all my friends and I don't know how to make new ones anymore. And don't even get me started on the fact that I'm going to be 30 this year. I don't feel like I'm 30. I don't feel like that much of an adult, if that makes sense. I mean, when I was 20, 30 was so old. I have grown up a lot in the past 10 years, but I still want to goof around and have fun... I still think like I'm 24 and have fewer responsibilities than I actually do. That doesn't mean that I fluff off my responsibilities, just that I wish I could. "Adults" don't think like that, do they? Or rather responsible adults don't. I don't know. *Sigh* I need a vacation. Or a good therapist. Or both.
(I know, I keep talking about the same things from time to time. I apologize for the redundancy.)
So now that I've got that off my chest, here's something to end this on a brighter note:
Abi in daddy's ball cap. Look at that tummy! lol
Don't know what this was about, but they sure are happy!
First things first. Take a deep breath and look at that beautiful daughter of yours. You are not in any way failing her, nor have you done anything that could harm her. You are successfully providing for her. She is happy, healthy, clothed and fed with two loving parents and a roof over her head. Look at the bigger picture, and not focus on a minor detail such as what she ate/eats. Sure there is nothing quite the same as breast milk BUT formula is made to provide all the same nutrients and sometimes a bit more. Please don't beat yourself up because of this. <3 You are doing an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteHaving a family tends to change the rest of the relationships in our lives, I think as long as we surround ourselves with people who understand this it's ok. One of my best friends and I go weeks between talking, we are both busy doing our thing. Sure I'm lonely sometimes, and sometimes I miss just hanging out with my old friends but then I remember how when I was doing that all I really wanted was this life I'm living now. My biggest thing is forgetting how I thought being an adult would be and just try to enjoy it as it is :)
I know there's not really advice in any of this but hopefully I at least have made you feel even better for a moment.
Also I truly feel everyone should have a therapist and take as many vacations as possible ;)
Hope you and your family have a great weekend!
Thank you for your encouraging words. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing the best I can, but sometimes... I just feel like I could be doing more. I suppose that's a mothers lot in life! Anyway I truly appreciate your support and hope that you and MV had a great weekend! :)
DeleteFirst of all - you are so fantastic, you really truly are and have been the best mother EVER for your sweet girl and you put Abi first.
ReplyDeleteWhen our kids are grown up, are we gonna be able to tell which kids were breastfed and which were formula fed? Absolutely not!!! She is thriving and will continue to do so. What's most important to a child is the TLC they get from their parents!!! <3
Have you heard of the Fearless Formula Feeder blog? It is fabulous and empowering -
http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/
Check it out if you get the chance!
And if/when there is a Baby #2, you will be experienced so no matter what you choose hopefully it won't be as difficult as the first time around. (This is what I keep telling myself, anyways, haha!)
And man oh man... it seems like my friends headed for the hills too once Presley was born. Or maybe it's the fact that the majority of them are childless and just in a total different mindset then I am... I have really secluded myself, I guess, but I just don't think the same things are interesting anymore! Do you feel that way? I completely feel socially awkward and out of place without my little family around... I am so glad to hear I'm not alone there.
You can ALWAYS talk to me! I know it's not the same - but I can email you my # and you can text me anytime!
ALSO, we must have the same taste because I have both of those outfits for Presley(the two Abi is wearing at the bottom)! :D She's such a cutie. That last picture is the cutest thing I have ever freaking seen! Just focus on the positives as much as you can (easier said than done) and know that you are doing such an awesome awesome job and no one could be a better mom for Abi than YOU!
Thank you thank you thank you for your kind words and support. It is nice to know I'm not alone but sad too because I don't want other mommies to feel like this. And you're right, I'm just not interested in the same things from before having Abi. It's like in becoming a mother I've become so tunnel visioned that that's all I think about. Sometimes I wouldn't have it any other way... other times I miss hanging out with people who can hold more of a conversation, lol!
DeleteAnd those outfits, oh don't you just LOVE Carter's clothing!?!? :)