I need a vacation from so many things... And to start writing again. But every time I start a post, I can't seem to finish it. Bummer.

Lost

So.. Here I am. Waiting. It seems like all I'm good for is waiting. There are so many things going through my head that it constantly hurts. My husband and I are at an odd place and a lot of it is my unwillingness to speak. .. And his unwillingness to hear me. I'm a bit lost because I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do and it's this aching feeling of "must do something!!!" But there's nothing I can do. I can't make my situation different because I can't change my husbands mind. So I have to change... But that just makes me mad. Because I don't want to give up having a bigger family, I want to make us whole.. He just doesn't see that.  Or feel that. The most amazing thing I've ever done is make a baby. The best I've ever felt is when I was pregnant with her. I'm so in awe of who we made... We made a little person! And this tiny human, with all of her blonde hair and blue eyes, her smiles and the adorable way she crinkles up her nose in pictures.. Her laugh is so contagious, she is such a joyful child, and even in her bad days I still see the miracle she is. I want that again. I want another sweet angel to snuggle... I want to spread the love. But I'm being made to feel like I'm not allowed... And it's tearing me up inside to think of what this might mean. 

I've talked briefly to my therapist about this, and I'm sure in my next session we will go into it deeper. She says my husband and I need to have many more in depth discussions about it.. To figure out why he really doesn't want to have another baby. But I know my husband.. The more we talk about something, when nothing's changed with the situation, he gets angry and frustrated and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Ever. So something has to change... And as always it has to be me.

And I'm done

... second cycle of 100mg Clomid, it worked but there's no chance for me this cycle. Beyond anything, hubby has decided he's to stressed by actually trying and wants to go to a if it happens it happens.. pull the goalie thing. Hate to tell you hun, I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN anymore. If I don't take meds, there's no chance at all. He doesn't seem to care. He says we have one and I should be happy with that. But I'm not. I know there are people out there who don't have any children.. and I may be being selfish, but darn it I want another baby. I'm not happy, I feel there's a void in our lives, in our family. I need to be proactive about it, I cannot just let it happen. Because then it won't. I'm so stressed out about it all.. even though I'm trying not to be because I know the stress doesn't help. Still not having the best luck losing weight, on top of weird cycles, mixed with extra hormones I don't need make for a really bad combo when trying to get pregnant. So I guess I'm done. I get one more round of Clomid, and probably won't even get to baby dance around the time I'm need to bc hubby is being a stubborn butt. When we met we both wanted 2-4 kids.. then after Abi he wanted 1... just her... and it's taken me this long to talk him into trying for another... But now he doesn't want to try.. and I'm so frustrated and angry and I just want to be pregnant already... :-(

Success.. A little

Well.. It would appear that last cycle worked, and I actually ovulated. Which is good... But we are not pregnant so on to the next cycle. I am ordering some supplements for this round, as well as stocking up on less expensive ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests. Mostly because I am addicted to peeing on them. Sad. True.
I'm still working on getting healthier, tho it's not going too well. I'm just not able to kick the coffee and sweets. My comfort foods.. Especially now. There have been so many times recently that I just wanted to text or call my mom... And when I realize I can't I just lose it. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And it sucks. Mom's birthday is this Friday. We are taking my step dad to dinner, but it's just going to feel wrong without mom.

Snails pace

Things are not going the way I had hoped they would. I'm not sure clomid is going to work for me. Which begs the question, what next? I know there are a few other meds I can try, metformin for one. But I'll likely have to stop my other meds for a few months while I start that.. There's another med that takes the place of clomid, letrozole I believe.. It hasn't been approved by the fda for infertility as it has negative side effects on a pregnancy. But it's supposed to be out of the system by the time I'd get pregnant so it shouldn't be an issue. I don't know what route my dr will go. I'm thinking if this round doesn't work, that I'm going to take a few months to try to lose some weight  and try again around Christmas. And it will all have to be under hubby's radar bc he's been getting some anxiety and not wanting to do the deed so to speak. 

Speaking of losing weight... If I don't end up getting lucky this cycle, I'm starting shakeology and the 21 day fix through beach body. I have a friend who is a coach and he and his wife have had amazing results!! So I'm hoping this might be the something different to kick start my weight loss. We will see. 

Cycle two

So moving on to cycle two of the provera and clomid.. Just finished the last provera now just waiting on dear old Aunt Flo to come calling... Sigh.. All this waiting around.. I've been trying to be proactive about becoming healthier, but that is harder than it sounds. I've developed quite a few bad habits (such as eating too much fast food) since having Abi and I'm finding it hard to break them.. Very hard. I don't know why exactly, I was able to do it before.. Why can't I just not eat the crap now? Well actually I know why.. I'm addicted to the ease of it, Im lazy and don't want to cook and I really don't want to eat plain boring oatmeal every day for breakfast. I have to keep trying though because I think it's the only way I'll have another baby... plus I've got a future of diabetes hanging over my head if I don't shape up. Grrrrrrrr why is it so difficult to lose weight!??

Waiting...

I hate waiting. Just sitting around trying to live my life while waiting for so much to happen. Waiting to ovulate, to start my period.. To get pregnant.. Just waiting. Well, this cycle of Clomid failed, which I'm not surprised by after reading that many women don't ovulate on it the first cycle and have to have the dose increased. And now I'm waiting to be a week "late" .. Then I can call my dr and get on with starting my next cycle, I hope. I don't know if she'll do more blood work, or need to see me and check my temperature chart or what. I was never told the next step. And that's frustrating because I'm a planner and I don't like not knowing what's coming. Ugh. Im Trying not to stress out over any of this, because I know that will make things worse. I don't even know where I want this post to go, I'm just ... Tired.