5 weeks today!

Haha I know I know! I'm "only" 5 weeks, but I'm still excited! I'm going to be logging my pregnancy journey similarly to the way I did it last time, with questions each week. It's a fun way to pass the time and journal about this new babe!

How far along? 5 weeks today

Total weight gain/loss: Ha! I have not looked in a while and I won't until my OB makes me.

Maternity clothes? Nope, just a bit larger scrub bottoms in anticipation :)

Stretch marks? Well..... I've gotten quite a few over the past few years from gaining weight, so I'm sure I'll be adding more with this pregnancy. But nothing new yet. 

Sleep: Still sleeping as usual. Though I've started putting a pillow between my knees. 

Best moment this week: Telling friends about being pregnant. I also got to tell my step dad which was fun. 

Have you told family and friends: Some, not all. Especially not my boss....

Miss Anything?  My mom, a lot.

Movement: nope, too early for that! Though I am having a lot of back pain and some cramping today :(

Food cravings: protein! 

Anything making you queasy or sick: eggs.. not eating soon enough after getting up for the day. 

Have you started to show yet: nope

Gender:  Well, hubby and Abi think it's a girl, I think it's too early to put all my eggs into that basket! 

Size of baby:  about the size of an apple seed.  

Labor Signs: NO! and that needs to stay far away! 

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody all the time!

Looking forward to: my first ultrasound and appointment with my OB.. May 8th! I'll be about 7w5d at the time! :) :) :)

And so it begins!!

I am only 3 weeks 6 days. Very early, I know. Every cycle I have taken multiple pregnancy tests up until the day I start my next cycle. And every time, the stupid stick only has one line... That is up until this past Friday. I was only 9 days after ovulating, too early to test but I couldn't wait any longer. So I took an infamous "blue dye" Clear blue test. I thought, hey if it gives me an evaporation line, at least I'll have hope for one day. Well.. low and behold a super, super faint line appeared by the very end of the time limit for that test. I thought, nah.. it can't be. But later in the day, I took another test, a Rite Aid brand. A much darker line appeared on this one! I kept thinking "no way, this has to be an evap line..." But still, it came up within the time limit. So the next day I took another test, a pink dye First Response.. the "gold standard" of testing early. And again, a faint line appeared, this time in 2 minutes! Still in disbelief, I'm looking at the test when my daughter comes in and asks if I've passed my test. (She's seen me looking at my tests before, and I've only explained that they are tests for grown up mommies.. nothing more) I told her, yes I passed. And she shouts out "Daddy, mommy passed her test!!!" I wasn't exactly ready to tell hubby, I had wanted to wait until at least the day I was supposed to start my period so that I'd have a darker test to show him, but he comes in the room asking "what test did mommy pass??" And he wouldn't let it go.. so I showed him the test. It was hard to see, but very much there. Hubby said "so you're???" and I said yes... and he smiled and I'm sure at that time Abi had no idea what was going on, lol. Well later we went to breakfast and in the car, hubby asked Abi how she felt to be a big sister.. this is how that went;
Hubby: hey Abi, how do you feeling that you're going to be a big sister?
Me: giving the death stare to him because Abi didn't know yet and I don't want to break her heart if something happens
Abi: wait, what?
H: yeah, you're gonna be a big sister to the baby
A: what baby? Is there a baby in mommy's belly? MOMMY HAS A BABY IN HER BELLY?!?!? YAY!!

And it's been that way ever since. :)
Abi greets the baby every morning, "good morning baby, how'd you sleep?" and she pats my belly... so stinking cute! She tells everyone she meets that "mommy has a baby in her belly and I'm going to be a big sister!!" I love it! But, again it is so early... I'm just afraid that something will happen and then there go all the good feelings. I'm trying not to worry, really I am. I'm just trying to enjoy this because I promised myself and God that I would soak up every second of this pregnancy that I can. I, of course, don't feel pregnant yet. I won't for a while, but hubby still asked me today "do you feel pregnant yet?" The tests are getting darker and darker. Still not as dark as the control lines but hey, progress. I've taken way too many tests, something like 13 since Friday. That's only 4 days... hubby thinks I'm nuts but just laughs. It's because I don't really believe it yet. We've been trying (off and on) for 3 years, and it hasn't happened yet. I thought it would never happen, and here I am getting positive pregnancy tests 6 days before I miss my period. What?!?
I told some friends at work, those who've been praying for me and hubby. They are close enough friends that they knew when we were going to be "trying" this cycle, so they were praying extra for me these past few weeks. It's all I want to talk about, but I know I shouldn't. Still, it's fun.

I spoke with a nurse friend who's done OB all her career and she advised me to wait until at least 2 days after my expected period to call my Dr. That's this Friday and it cannot come fast enough! I want to know if we'll get another dating ultrasound at 6 weeks and if they'll run beta HCG levels on me like they did last time. Last time I hadn't had a period for almost 4 months when I got pregnant, so I wonder if her protocol will be different this time since I was on the Femara... Guess I have to wait until Friday to find out. But for now, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

Attention friends...

I'M PREGNANT!
Details to come!

Please don't say anything on Facebook,  it's  very early yet... thanks!

Wishy washy

Well.. if you've been following along at all.. you know I'm fairly wishy-washy at times. This time it's all about my diet. Wishy-washy with food is never really a good thing, because you start out getting healthy then do a 180 on your body and eat foods that you really probably shouldn't (like than darn Chick-fil-a!) even when you're not supposed to be on a diet.
My husband was away this past week for training in another state and let me tell you... not having him as my compass was hard! I ate whatever I wanted and while most of it was delicious I'm starting to feel the after affects of all that "stuff." I wish that I could jump back on board with this diet and eat they way they want me to but I'm really having a very hard time re-committing. Unfortunately this is leading me down the rabbit hole of the depression that likes to grab hold of me at my weakest. All these thoughts of
"You'll never have another baby anyway, so why bother with losing weight"
"even if you start now, you'll never 'fix' your body and if you do it'll be too late"
and on and on and on.

Right now I have bronchitis. As if that isn't bad enough, I've been waiting for my cycle to begin so that I can start my new medication. I took a pregnancy test (negative) and so I started provera (to induce a period) but then I started spotting so I stopped the provera in the hopes that my body was going to start on it's own and I had just jumped the gun. Eh. I only took one pill, a withdraw from that single pill should not happen. So my body is being it's usual pain in the butt and hasn't decided what it's going to do yet. I keep going back and forth on if I want to wait it out to see or if I want to just take the provera tonight. .. I am trying to time things so that my fertile time falls on a weekend since that's about the only time I can get hubby to want to have adult time. So you can see that I have a very narrow window to mess with. I'm so frustrated! I haven't even started this leg of the journey yet and I'm already at a standstill. I feel so stuck! Then of course the other side of my brain chimes in and when I'm having issues with Abi, it says "why have another baby? Do you want to sleep ever again?" AAHHHHH! I believe in my heart of heart I want another child. .. I'm hesitant as to whether or not I want to deal with the newborn stage again and that's so sad! There's so much good that comes with the bad with every stage, I don't want to focus on the bad things.. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just my mind trying to make me feel better for not being able to have another...

I'm so tired.

Finally down 25lbs!

Phew! It's been an uphill battle, but I've finally lost 25lbs! This and an appointment with my favorite OB/GYN yesterday has given me renewed motivation to keep pushing through the struggles and make this diet program work for me. It is so hard though!

Let me tell you about yesterday. I went to my OB/GYN because I wanted to discuss some very irregular issues I've been having. More strange than even before... and it turned into a 30 minute discussion about doing things to make myself feel better, gentle guidance towards losing weight and how that will positively effect my fertility. Then we ended with a plan for a new medication to help ovulation and if that doesn't work, she's going to give me an ultrasound (which I told her what we'd see... since I've scanned myself, lol.. but of course it needs to be official) and go from there. She's even offered at that point to do the injections to help aid in ovulation and timing *things* Which is scary but I'm grateful that she can do that without having to send me to a specialist. Because.. that's where the line is drawn right now. And a lot of this is being kept on the down-low. I'm not over playing it to my husband the way I did before, mostly because I want to keep the stress off. That was a major factor before and my OB even said that along with caring more for myself, keeping the stress of it all down will help tremendously.
Our conversation was so positive and she spent more time with me than I can ever remember her spending. She sat down and it was just such a nice conversation, so full of positive, uplifting things... and she shared a bit of her story which kind of aligns with what I'm going through so it's nice to hear I'm not as far gone as I thought. I can come back from PCOS, which I haven't been "officially" diagnosed with but she says it's highly likely and left it at that. I don't know if she's avoiding giving me a diagnosis to avoid insurance issues or what but that's fine because even with an official diagnosis this new plan is the way we would be going.

So here I am, at the "start" of a new cycle. After 119 days since my last period. If I get another one this month, I'll start my new medication similarly to how I took the clomid. If I don't, and I have a negative pregnancy test (which I'm sure I will) I start provera. Bleh. I hate that medicine. Oh well. I've tried the natural way and it only worked once in almost a year. Hopefully this new stuff will work better and I'll have less symptoms/mood swings/craziness. Say a prayer for me please... I need this to be my year.

Hit a plateau

Yes, I've already hit a plateau in my weightloss. Mostly because I'm suffering from what they call, "diet fatigue"... the foods get so boring after a while! So i've been cheating.. not good. Going to have to pick up my big girl panties and get back on the diet bandwagon because I was doing so well and I want to get my momentum back! I desperately want to lose about 30 more lbs before Christmas, which is possible on this plan, but I have to stick to it super strictly. With Thanksgiving and my birthday coming up, I'm afraid that's not going to happen. They keep talking about not eating Thanksgiving dinner, which I'm sorry.. I won't miss my favorite meal of the year. Especially since this year my hubby won a really awesome, pasture raised, grass fed organic turkey!!! How amazing is that?!? He is planning on getting a smoker and smoking the turkey, which oh. my. gosh! I thought deep fried turkey was awesome, this is going to be oh so delicious! :) I can't wait! So during the rest of the days I'm going to have to practice some serious self control and environmental control (keeping myself away from trigger foods and keeping those foods out of my house!) It hasn't been easy, but nothing ever is. So anyway, that's just a little about what has been going on. If I have a chance I'll update some more with other goings on. :)

A first milestone

I have officially lost 12.4 lbs as of last Thursday! So my first 10lbs (plus) gone! Woo hooo! No time to celebrate though because I've got a ton more to lose  and I really want to get off of this diet sooner rather than later. I'm struggling quite a bit with staying in the box (what they call eating all their food or only approved foods) Which I guess it is a learning curve for my body and my mind. But I'm trying, and that's the important part.

I've had all my pregnant friends deliver that I wrote about earlier in the year. 7 of them in the past 2 months or so. Many of them boys!!! So now I've got a whole fresh batch of preggo friends popping up. Go figure. I can't catch a break! Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for them! Just sad for me. My co-worker came to me this morning (after I had been wanting to ask her if she was pregnant again yet.. joking but also knowing her and her hubby had planned on it being October ish before getting pregnant again) and sure enough she says "hey, can you keep a secret?" Immediately I knew and I jumped up and hugged her. She's had a loss (her first pregnancy) at like 17 weeks, then carried her rainbow boy and he's a little over a year now. So she's so excited but also really worried. Here's the tally; friend one is about 15 weeks with baby 2, friend two is 11 weeks with baby 1 and friend three is 4.5 weeks (brand new!) with baby 2. I wonder who else will be announcing in the next few weeks? I'm trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself these days, but it's not easy. I keep cursing my body every time I have a patient who has regular periods.. 12 times a year they have a chance to get pregnant. Me? I'm lucky if it's 2 times a year. Blah.