Wishy washy

Well.. if you've been following along at all.. you know I'm fairly wishy-washy at times. This time it's all about my diet. Wishy-washy with food is never really a good thing, because you start out getting healthy then do a 180 on your body and eat foods that you really probably shouldn't (like than darn Chick-fil-a!) even when you're not supposed to be on a diet.
My husband was away this past week for training in another state and let me tell you... not having him as my compass was hard! I ate whatever I wanted and while most of it was delicious I'm starting to feel the after affects of all that "stuff." I wish that I could jump back on board with this diet and eat they way they want me to but I'm really having a very hard time re-committing. Unfortunately this is leading me down the rabbit hole of the depression that likes to grab hold of me at my weakest. All these thoughts of
"You'll never have another baby anyway, so why bother with losing weight"
"even if you start now, you'll never 'fix' your body and if you do it'll be too late"
and on and on and on.

Right now I have bronchitis. As if that isn't bad enough, I've been waiting for my cycle to begin so that I can start my new medication. I took a pregnancy test (negative) and so I started provera (to induce a period) but then I started spotting so I stopped the provera in the hopes that my body was going to start on it's own and I had just jumped the gun. Eh. I only took one pill, a withdraw from that single pill should not happen. So my body is being it's usual pain in the butt and hasn't decided what it's going to do yet. I keep going back and forth on if I want to wait it out to see or if I want to just take the provera tonight. .. I am trying to time things so that my fertile time falls on a weekend since that's about the only time I can get hubby to want to have adult time. So you can see that I have a very narrow window to mess with. I'm so frustrated! I haven't even started this leg of the journey yet and I'm already at a standstill. I feel so stuck! Then of course the other side of my brain chimes in and when I'm having issues with Abi, it says "why have another baby? Do you want to sleep ever again?" AAHHHHH! I believe in my heart of heart I want another child. .. I'm hesitant as to whether or not I want to deal with the newborn stage again and that's so sad! There's so much good that comes with the bad with every stage, I don't want to focus on the bad things.. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just my mind trying to make me feel better for not being able to have another...

I'm so tired.