New to me supplement

So I've started taking Myo-inositol in addition to my Vitex and an omega 3. The fish oil might be more for my joints ( I find if I don't take it for a while my knees begin to ache a lot!) but it's never a bad thing to add, since I don't eat a lot of fish. Okay, I don't eat fish. ;)
I've been on Vitex since January, and now I've been researching PCOS more and the two supplements that stand out as all stars for that are Myo-inositol and D Chiro-inositol. I was unable to find the D Chiro in our local vitamin store, but what I did find for the Myo-inositol is pretty cool. It's called Pre~mama, and it's a powder supplement that you pour into 12 oz of water. It dissolves completely, has no taste and as an added bonus it has folic acid! Which we all know is important for before, during and after pregnancy. I actually really like it! I've been taking it in the morning, which forces me to drink at least that 12oz or more of water before my morning coffee. I've been noticing a few changes with this supplement.. I'm a bit moodier, which I'm wondering if that means PMS and that I'll be starting soon? But also, there's been some physical changes as well. Good things.. . So anyway, I've ordered more of the Myo supplement (different brand) as well as D Chiro-inositol and should arrive by the time I run out of what I have. Perhaps I'll do a product review once I've finished them.. Who knows. All of the research I've done suggests that those two inositols together have the greatest reaction in a woman with PCOS to bring back regular cycles, diminish extra hair and allow for ovulation. Which I am desperate for. I wish I had a chance to become pregnant every month.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these will help me get back to normal. Or at least, close to it.

Parents.. back off already.

So, in addition to the child who fell into the gorilla exhibit we now have a poor little kid who has been killed by an alligator in Florida. All reports that I have seen state that the family was "wading at the water's edge." Which means what, up to their ankles? Okay, there are also reports stating that their are signs EVERYWHERE saying to stay out of the water. I've been to the Grand Floridian, I can attest to those signs. Be that as it may, a young boy was killed. You don't need to go any further than that. Can you just imagine the heartache and the deep gut wrenching sadness that his parents feel? Never mind that they shouldn't have been in the water, because they made that choice and now they have to live with the deep regret of their decision. That decision is probably tearing that family apart. You don't have to shove it in their faces. Yet here we are as a society, blaming the parents and telling them what they should have done... acting like we have high moral authority to shame, blame and bash those parents. Like everyone else is perfect. News flash, none of us are perfect. I've allowed my kid too much TV on occasions, even though I've sworn not to (because according to everyone TV is harmful to young brains) and my kid is fine. She's better than fine, she's incredibly smart and funny and talented and creative. I feed her some not so nutritious snacks, too often lately. But she's healthy and growing off the charts for height and her weight is perfect. I lose sight of her occasionally in a store (which freaks me out) so then I'll hold her hand or make doubly sure I'm watching her... I've taught her about "stranger danger" but she is so personable she'll talk to anyone with a kind face. The point is, as parents we need to give each other a break. There are too many demands on us as it is, and it's ridiculous to have to appease everyone else when we are struggling with the demands of a family and our own inner critic. This family is probably dying inside every day from the loss of their little boy. Leave them alone!

Mish mash

I have been hiding a lot lately. I feel disgusting, carrying around all this extra weight that I can't for the life of me seem to shed and so I've been hibernating in my house. Which makes me feel so alone. I go to work, Abi goes to school (unless she's sick like she was last week, poor kiddo) and then I come home. If I go out at all, it's to the store and I end up spending way too much money on things that I could probably do without. I know Abi could. I've been feeling like the worst parent in the world lately too. I haven't been playing with Abi as much, and while most of the time she takes it like a champ.. it's the days where the chores have really piled up and I just need to get it all done that she's clingy and begs me to play with her. My heart breaks on my days off because I'm constantly saying "not right now sweetie" to my precious girl who just wants my time. But my house.. oh my house. Every time I get it into some sort of normal, clean-ish order something happens and it all goes to hell. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up.. the living room is insane right now because we have a new couch and have yet to get rid of the old stuff. So it's all packed in there. Toys and art supplies constantly litter the floor (even after I've picked them up a hundred times) Abi doesn't get the concept of helping yet.. or rather she does but deems it "boring!" so to avoid a fight I just let her play most of the time. Don't get me wrong, she will help at times. And it's going to get worse before it gets better I'm sure. But I'm just.. stuck. And I know I complain a lot, but I have no where else to vent. My husband is a "fixer" and so even if I just want to talk to get something off my chest, he's always trying to come up with a way to fix it. He's giving advice and that's all well and good but sometimes I just don't want it. Unfortunately, I have to be careful about how much I complain to him without "fixing" my problem because eventually he'll just stop listening. He's never gotten mean with me about things, but I can tell when I've exhausted a topic.

Anyway... Lots of happy things happen too. Like Abi had her 4 year well check yesterday and did fantastic! Hardly any crying for her shot and is healthy and perfect. She's so tall she's off their chart. Seriously, my 4 year old is 3'8"!!!!! So tall!
This past weekend we got a kitty. Originally we were going to get a girl, but it ended up there were only boys to choose from so... we have a little grey and white kitty and we named him Genie after the Genie in Aladdin. Abi did not do so well in the listening department for the first few days, and she would hold him too roughly, or drop him into/onto something. There has been a lot of correcting and I know I'm feeling bad about it, so I'm sure she is too. Poor kid, she is just so excited to have a kitty! But we've had some good times too. He likes to meow to us and climb up on our chests to be petted to sleep. He's got the tiniest little kitty face! I love him so much! lol I'm on my work computer, or I'd post pictures (because I've already got a ton!) But I'll have to leave that for another day. So, he's my baby for now until I can maybe hopefully get myself into a healthy place to have another human baby. Ahhh... someday.

Changes

I just wanted to give a heads up to anyone who might still follow me on here.. Thank you, firstly. I feel less alone knowing someone actually reads these. Second, I am thinking of changing my blog name. .. My thoughts were to possibly start focusing on my struggles in having another baby. Or at least have a blog title that more accurately represents that that is what I will be talking about quite a bit. I'm thinking of "To Fertility.. And Beyond" (catchy, right? Unless it's offensive, in which case let me know and I won't use it!) That's not all I'll be focusing on, but there's so much that has changed for me this past year with regard to trying for another.. and I've noticed that I've been focusing a lot on that. So a blog title change would be a good thing, I'm thinking.

My little 4 year old

So I realized that in all my craziness, I never did a proper post about Abi and her recent 4th birthday.
That's right, my baby is 4 and holy cow has she grown!
She's 41 pounds and 44" tall or maybe she's 45" now.. she keeps growing so fast! She's grown 4 inches in a year, and almost half an inch since early March. She is so tall already, and so we of course know she's going to be a tall adult. Probably about 6'2" they're predicting. Taalllll.. Hopefully she'll find a tall guy someday that doesn't make her feel like a giant. :p

Abi's hair is starting to turn dark.. I'm so sad about her losing her beautiful silky blonde hair! It's mostly in the back, but I'm pretty sure by this time next year she'll have a head of "dirty blonde" or dark blonde like me. Boo! lol. Of course, she's beautiful no matter what, it's just the thought of her babyness leaving and this preschooler popping up. She's going to be in Kindergarten next year! HOLY COW!

Abi is such a loving, joyful girl. Though, I've had to be hard on her at times for poor behavior, I couldn't have asked for a better child. She is now putting herself to sleep, and it's so bittersweet. For 4 years I have been in her room as she falls asleep, and I miss it just a little. But I'll tell ya, I was so shocked when we tried it the first night and it worked. We still have a bed time routine, bath, books and song. But after the songs I'll tell her I love her, to have sweet dreams and I'll see her in the morning. She replies and then I can leave the room! I'll still stay upstairs for a bit, just to be sure she isn't getting out of bed. But usually she's rustling about trying to get comfortable and asleep very shortly after. I'm so proud of my big girl! Seriously, this is a HUGE accomplishment and such a long time coming. I have always let Abi set her own pace. With regard to her schedule and things like when it was time to move up a size in diapers or to potty train, Abi always let us know pretty much when she was ready for the next step. I didn't want to push her, and I certainly didn't want to push her to put herself to bed too soon.. but it was getting frustrating laying there, in the dark.. trying not to lose my mind because I knew she wasn't asleep yet because I was there. She would fuss and such and I finally realized that even though it bugged me, she needed to kind of decompress before falling asleep, just like anyone. So I suggested her putting herself to bed one day after preschool had told me how good she is at nap time. She'll lay there and chat to herself quietly, play with her hands (make fingers talk to each other etc) and sometimes she'll drift off to sleep. I used this idea to persuade Abi to try it the first night. I told her without me in the room, she could play a little with her stuffed animals or chat with her fingers. As long as she stayed in here bed, it was fine. Then she could drift off to sleep when she was ready. It worked!! I was Shocked. But what has really shocked me is that we've never looked back. Abi has not once begged me to stay, or cried about it. She likes being able to unwind on her own, without me saying "shhhhh, go to sleep please." It's a good thing. And I have another hour added on to my evenings!

Abi has been making up her own songs and they are so funny! She loves to draw and color and is getting really very good. Her little people (heads, legs and arms.. no bodies yet!) are adorable, and she's making up awesome stories to go along with her drawings. The imagination on this girl! It's so fun to watch her grow and change.. and learn. She's been asking all kinds of amazing questions lately. And her giggle and belly laugh is my favorite sound!

Pain in my heart

I am struggling.. like really struggling lately. I'm having a hard time managing all of the things that I'm supposed to be doing, like being a good wife and mother. My house is a disaster. To the point that I won't let anyone with a baby come over (or anyone for that matter) because it's so awful. It's to the point I can't even prioritize what needs to get done with what can wait and it all just gets half-assed or not done at all. Laundry doesn't get folded for forever. Dishes.. don't get me started on the dishes.They NEVER END. Ever. It's not just toys on the floor, it's everything, everywhere. Abi is not learning how to keep a clean house from me because apparently I don't know how. It's driving me insane and yet when I try to get something done, Abi will play for a while then come ask me to play with her. Depending on the time of day, I can get away with a few "in a few minutes honey" but by afternoon she's in tears and I'm completely broken because I feel like I'm failing. My husband must think I'm the worst wife ever.. No he doesn't tell me that, but when he comes home day after day and can't see much if any change in the house I know he's thinking "what the hell does she do all day?" I don't work full time, only 3 days a week. So the other 2 I have to devote to the house and my kid and I just haven't found a way to do both. PLUS I don't even want to stay home anymore. I want to go out and shop, or just be out and away from the house. We'll go to our local museum of art, or our local science center (Imagination Station) because I want to do things to enrich Abi's mind and not just stay home doing the same old thing all day. This of course does not lend to a clean house, because by the time we get home, Abi is done with the day and ready for all of my attention. Odd, because I just spent all morning giving her as much of my attention as I could. But that's just not in her logic at only almost 4. I can't blame her. This brings me to another issue...

I keep thinking how great it would be if we had had another baby when Abi was about 2. She'd have a playmate. It'd be great. Now if I have another baby, they'll be almost 5 years apart. Not so fun for Abi and I'll be doing the baby stuff (good and bad) over again. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to add to our family.

 And as of now, I have 3 friends pregnant. All between 11-13 weeks along. I just found out about them this past week and I've died a little inside each time someone has come forward to tell me. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO happy for them!!! But so sad for me. For one friend it will be her first child (she suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks with her last pregnancy so *technically* second, but this will be her rainbow baby.) For another friend it is her 3rd, and yet another friend is pregnant with her 4th! I see a pattern that I am praying and hoping I'll fit into this year... So 1st baby, 3rd baby and 4th baby... We are missing someone pregnant with their 2nd baby... Please God let that be me. I would love to be pregnant along with some of my friends ( I was early-mid pregnancy with Abi while a friend was mid-end pregnancy with her 2nd, that was fun) I keep thinking.. if I get rid of all of Abi's baby stuff, will that "jinx" me? So I've gotten rid of some of the smaller things.. I figure I'll keep the swing and jumper, but her clothes? They've got to go. They're taking up too much of our basement and I'm so down about not being able to get pregnant this past year, I just want them gone. So, I'm going to offer them to my friends if they find out they're having girls. Otherwise I'm going to have a big ol garage sale this summer and sell what I can. The rest will be either donated or sold to a local children's resale shop. Who am I kidding, keeping all that anyway? Other than my few favorite outfits, I'd just be buying new stuff for a new baby. It'd be nice to have at least some hand-me-downs but really... at this point... I'm not holding my breath that there's going to be another. And that makes me so deeply, soulfully sad.

some of disney

Our first day in Florida we arrived at our hotel about 4 o'clock. Which was perfect because we weren't planning anything major other than just getting accustomed to our surroundings and hotel room. I was really worried that Abi wouldn't sleep in the hotel, because she's never really slept anywhere except her own room, or a cot at daycare. But she did fantastic. In all honesty, she did really  well the entire trip.


So Tuesday we set off to Epcot to see Jasmine (because I didn't see a schedule for her at the Magic Kingdom and she is Abi's favorite princess!) We made sure she was first in line and Abi was just thrilled to meet Jasmine and Aladdin!
Most of the day was really a free for all. We had a few fast passes to things like the Undersea adventure with Nemo and reservations for lunch and dinner, but really we just walked and found whatever we could that didn't have a horrible wait. It was hot, but there was a cool breeze and a little rain to make things bearable. Abi got carried by my husband much of the day because we didn't realize you could rent a stroller. Oops, lol. She didn't seem to want to do a whole lot, and was kinda grumpy until after lunch (no where near as grumpy as on Thursday at the Magic Kingdom..!)


It was a nice day, with a not-so-crowded park, and those few extra awesome moments that made every penny and grumpy moment so worth it.



We got to me Mulan, who was my favorite of the day! She really took time to interact with Abi and they had a conversation about the flowers on their clothes. It was so cute!



This is grumpy face. Even in front of Elsa. She's my teenager in the making... We are in so much trouble.

We had lunch at the aquarium, which was absolutely awesome! Unfortunately I didn't get to sit where I could really see the fish very well, and I had to keep turning away from my family to look. But the food was fabulous!
When we couldn't find things we really wanted to do, we went to the Disney film festival and that was such a trip! 3 short films in 3d/4d and oh man, to see the look on Abi's face was priceless! So I'm really glad we did that. Then we went to the Living with the Land ride (which was conveinently beneath our dinner at the Chip and Dales Harvest) That was really cool! Did you know Disney is trying to be self sustaining? They grow hundreds of crops and farm fish that are served in their restaurants!! The ride was really neat, and everyone enjoyed it. Even Abi wanted to go again!

Epcot was full of the random, lets do this or look over there. We were there way too late, and Abi passed out before we could even read her a book! That was, in my opinion, the best day of our trip.

Wednesday, we didn't go to a park because we felt we should have a rest day between them. It was a great idea because it rained a lot of the day. In the morning we went to the Polynesian resort for breakfast at the Kona Cafe, and what a nice little taste of Hawaii that was! It was so good we even decided to go back the next morning.

When we had a break in the weather, we went swimming in the piano shaped pool at our resort. Oh my goodness! Abi's first time swimming and she is such a little fish! She had a life jacket on and she just wanted to swim my herself! I couldn't believe it. I so enjoyed the swim, but man, getting out of the pool was tough.. I felt like 1,000 lbs. Yuck. Back in our room we had some rest time and a little tv/coloring/napping. Really it was just a nice relaxing day.

I'll finish up our trip in another post.. There's a lot more to say! :0)