Countdown to baby!
Monday, May 2, 2016
Changes
I just wanted to give a heads up to anyone who might still follow me on here.. Thank you, firstly. I feel less alone knowing someone actually reads these. Second, I am thinking of changing my blog name. .. My thoughts were to possibly start focusing on my struggles in having another baby. Or at least have a blog title that more accurately represents that that is what I will be talking about quite a bit. I'm thinking of "To Fertility.. And Beyond" (catchy, right? Unless it's offensive, in which case let me know and I won't use it!) That's not all I'll be focusing on, but there's so much that has changed for me this past year with regard to trying for another.. and I've noticed that I've been focusing a lot on that. So a blog title change would be a good thing, I'm thinking.
Monday, April 11, 2016
My little 4 year old
So I realized that in all my craziness, I never did a proper post about Abi and her recent 4th birthday.
That's right, my baby is 4 and holy cow has she grown!
She's 41 pounds and 44" tall or maybe she's 45" now.. she keeps growing so fast! She's grown 4 inches in a year, and almost half an inch since early March. She is so tall already, and so we of course know she's going to be a tall adult. Probably about 6'2" they're predicting. Taalllll.. Hopefully she'll find a tall guy someday that doesn't make her feel like a giant. :p
Abi's hair is starting to turn dark.. I'm so sad about her losing her beautiful silky blonde hair! It's mostly in the back, but I'm pretty sure by this time next year she'll have a head of "dirty blonde" or dark blonde like me. Boo! lol. Of course, she's beautiful no matter what, it's just the thought of her babyness leaving and this preschooler popping up. She's going to be in Kindergarten next year! HOLY COW!
Abi is such a loving, joyful girl. Though, I've had to be hard on her at times for poor behavior, I couldn't have asked for a better child. She is now putting herself to sleep, and it's so bittersweet. For 4 years I have been in her room as she falls asleep, and I miss it just a little. But I'll tell ya, I was so shocked when we tried it the first night and it worked. We still have a bed time routine, bath, books and song. But after the songs I'll tell her I love her, to have sweet dreams and I'll see her in the morning. She replies and then I can leave the room! I'll still stay upstairs for a bit, just to be sure she isn't getting out of bed. But usually she's rustling about trying to get comfortable and asleep very shortly after. I'm so proud of my big girl! Seriously, this is a HUGE accomplishment and such a long time coming. I have always let Abi set her own pace. With regard to her schedule and things like when it was time to move up a size in diapers or to potty train, Abi always let us know pretty much when she was ready for the next step. I didn't want to push her, and I certainly didn't want to push her to put herself to bed too soon.. but it was getting frustrating laying there, in the dark.. trying not to lose my mind because I knew she wasn't asleep yet because I was there. She would fuss and such and I finally realized that even though it bugged me, she needed to kind of decompress before falling asleep, just like anyone. So I suggested her putting herself to bed one day after preschool had told me how good she is at nap time. She'll lay there and chat to herself quietly, play with her hands (make fingers talk to each other etc) and sometimes she'll drift off to sleep. I used this idea to persuade Abi to try it the first night. I told her without me in the room, she could play a little with her stuffed animals or chat with her fingers. As long as she stayed in here bed, it was fine. Then she could drift off to sleep when she was ready. It worked!! I was Shocked. But what has really shocked me is that we've never looked back. Abi has not once begged me to stay, or cried about it. She likes being able to unwind on her own, without me saying "shhhhh, go to sleep please." It's a good thing. And I have another hour added on to my evenings!
Abi has been making up her own songs and they are so funny! She loves to draw and color and is getting really very good. Her little people (heads, legs and arms.. no bodies yet!) are adorable, and she's making up awesome stories to go along with her drawings. The imagination on this girl! It's so fun to watch her grow and change.. and learn. She's been asking all kinds of amazing questions lately. And her giggle and belly laugh is my favorite sound!
That's right, my baby is 4 and holy cow has she grown!
She's 41 pounds and 44" tall or maybe she's 45" now.. she keeps growing so fast! She's grown 4 inches in a year, and almost half an inch since early March. She is so tall already, and so we of course know she's going to be a tall adult. Probably about 6'2" they're predicting. Taalllll.. Hopefully she'll find a tall guy someday that doesn't make her feel like a giant. :p
Abi's hair is starting to turn dark.. I'm so sad about her losing her beautiful silky blonde hair! It's mostly in the back, but I'm pretty sure by this time next year she'll have a head of "dirty blonde" or dark blonde like me. Boo! lol. Of course, she's beautiful no matter what, it's just the thought of her babyness leaving and this preschooler popping up. She's going to be in Kindergarten next year! HOLY COW!
Abi is such a loving, joyful girl. Though, I've had to be hard on her at times for poor behavior, I couldn't have asked for a better child. She is now putting herself to sleep, and it's so bittersweet. For 4 years I have been in her room as she falls asleep, and I miss it just a little. But I'll tell ya, I was so shocked when we tried it the first night and it worked. We still have a bed time routine, bath, books and song. But after the songs I'll tell her I love her, to have sweet dreams and I'll see her in the morning. She replies and then I can leave the room! I'll still stay upstairs for a bit, just to be sure she isn't getting out of bed. But usually she's rustling about trying to get comfortable and asleep very shortly after. I'm so proud of my big girl! Seriously, this is a HUGE accomplishment and such a long time coming. I have always let Abi set her own pace. With regard to her schedule and things like when it was time to move up a size in diapers or to potty train, Abi always let us know pretty much when she was ready for the next step. I didn't want to push her, and I certainly didn't want to push her to put herself to bed too soon.. but it was getting frustrating laying there, in the dark.. trying not to lose my mind because I knew she wasn't asleep yet because I was there. She would fuss and such and I finally realized that even though it bugged me, she needed to kind of decompress before falling asleep, just like anyone. So I suggested her putting herself to bed one day after preschool had told me how good she is at nap time. She'll lay there and chat to herself quietly, play with her hands (make fingers talk to each other etc) and sometimes she'll drift off to sleep. I used this idea to persuade Abi to try it the first night. I told her without me in the room, she could play a little with her stuffed animals or chat with her fingers. As long as she stayed in here bed, it was fine. Then she could drift off to sleep when she was ready. It worked!! I was Shocked. But what has really shocked me is that we've never looked back. Abi has not once begged me to stay, or cried about it. She likes being able to unwind on her own, without me saying "shhhhh, go to sleep please." It's a good thing. And I have another hour added on to my evenings!
Abi has been making up her own songs and they are so funny! She loves to draw and color and is getting really very good. Her little people (heads, legs and arms.. no bodies yet!) are adorable, and she's making up awesome stories to go along with her drawings. The imagination on this girl! It's so fun to watch her grow and change.. and learn. She's been asking all kinds of amazing questions lately. And her giggle and belly laugh is my favorite sound!
Monday, March 21, 2016
Pain in my heart
I am struggling.. like really struggling lately. I'm having a hard time managing all of the things that I'm supposed to be doing, like being a good wife and mother. My house is a disaster. To the point that I won't let anyone with a baby come over (or anyone for that matter) because it's so awful. It's to the point I can't even prioritize what needs to get done with what can wait and it all just gets half-assed or not done at all. Laundry doesn't get folded for forever. Dishes.. don't get me started on the dishes.They NEVER END. Ever. It's not just toys on the floor, it's everything, everywhere. Abi is not learning how to keep a clean house from me because apparently I don't know how. It's driving me insane and yet when I try to get something done, Abi will play for a while then come ask me to play with her. Depending on the time of day, I can get away with a few "in a few minutes honey" but by afternoon she's in tears and I'm completely broken because I feel like I'm failing. My husband must think I'm the worst wife ever.. No he doesn't tell me that, but when he comes home day after day and can't see much if any change in the house I know he's thinking "what the hell does she do all day?" I don't work full time, only 3 days a week. So the other 2 I have to devote to the house and my kid and I just haven't found a way to do both. PLUS I don't even want to stay home anymore. I want to go out and shop, or just be out and away from the house. We'll go to our local museum of art, or our local science center (Imagination Station) because I want to do things to enrich Abi's mind and not just stay home doing the same old thing all day. This of course does not lend to a clean house, because by the time we get home, Abi is done with the day and ready for all of my attention. Odd, because I just spent all morning giving her as much of my attention as I could. But that's just not in her logic at only almost 4. I can't blame her. This brings me to another issue...
I keep thinking how great it would be if we had had another baby when Abi was about 2. She'd have a playmate. It'd be great. Now if I have another baby, they'll be almost 5 years apart. Not so fun for Abi and I'll be doing the baby stuff (good and bad) over again. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to add to our family.
And as of now, I have 3 friends pregnant. All between 11-13 weeks along. I just found out about them this past week and I've died a little inside each time someone has come forward to tell me. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO happy for them!!! But so sad for me. For one friend it will be her first child (she suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks with her last pregnancy so *technically* second, but this will be her rainbow baby.) For another friend it is her 3rd, and yet another friend is pregnant with her 4th! I see a pattern that I am praying and hoping I'll fit into this year... So 1st baby, 3rd baby and 4th baby... We are missing someone pregnant with their 2nd baby... Please God let that be me. I would love to be pregnant along with some of my friends ( I was early-mid pregnancy with Abi while a friend was mid-end pregnancy with her 2nd, that was fun) I keep thinking.. if I get rid of all of Abi's baby stuff, will that "jinx" me? So I've gotten rid of some of the smaller things.. I figure I'll keep the swing and jumper, but her clothes? They've got to go. They're taking up too much of our basement and I'm so down about not being able to get pregnant this past year, I just want them gone. So, I'm going to offer them to my friends if they find out they're having girls. Otherwise I'm going to have a big ol garage sale this summer and sell what I can. The rest will be either donated or sold to a local children's resale shop. Who am I kidding, keeping all that anyway? Other than my few favorite outfits, I'd just be buying new stuff for a new baby. It'd be nice to have at least some hand-me-downs but really... at this point... I'm not holding my breath that there's going to be another. And that makes me so deeply, soulfully sad.
I keep thinking how great it would be if we had had another baby when Abi was about 2. She'd have a playmate. It'd be great. Now if I have another baby, they'll be almost 5 years apart. Not so fun for Abi and I'll be doing the baby stuff (good and bad) over again. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to add to our family.
And as of now, I have 3 friends pregnant. All between 11-13 weeks along. I just found out about them this past week and I've died a little inside each time someone has come forward to tell me. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO happy for them!!! But so sad for me. For one friend it will be her first child (she suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks with her last pregnancy so *technically* second, but this will be her rainbow baby.) For another friend it is her 3rd, and yet another friend is pregnant with her 4th! I see a pattern that I am praying and hoping I'll fit into this year... So 1st baby, 3rd baby and 4th baby... We are missing someone pregnant with their 2nd baby... Please God let that be me. I would love to be pregnant along with some of my friends ( I was early-mid pregnancy with Abi while a friend was mid-end pregnancy with her 2nd, that was fun) I keep thinking.. if I get rid of all of Abi's baby stuff, will that "jinx" me? So I've gotten rid of some of the smaller things.. I figure I'll keep the swing and jumper, but her clothes? They've got to go. They're taking up too much of our basement and I'm so down about not being able to get pregnant this past year, I just want them gone. So, I'm going to offer them to my friends if they find out they're having girls. Otherwise I'm going to have a big ol garage sale this summer and sell what I can. The rest will be either donated or sold to a local children's resale shop. Who am I kidding, keeping all that anyway? Other than my few favorite outfits, I'd just be buying new stuff for a new baby. It'd be nice to have at least some hand-me-downs but really... at this point... I'm not holding my breath that there's going to be another. And that makes me so deeply, soulfully sad.
Monday, March 14, 2016
some of disney
Our first day in Florida we arrived at our hotel about 4 o'clock. Which was perfect because we weren't planning anything major other than just getting accustomed to our surroundings and hotel room. I was really worried that Abi wouldn't sleep in the hotel, because she's never really slept anywhere except her own room, or a cot at daycare. But she did fantastic. In all honesty, she did really well the entire trip.
So Tuesday we set off to Epcot to see Jasmine (because I didn't see a schedule for her at the Magic Kingdom and she is Abi's favorite princess!) We made sure she was first in line and Abi was just thrilled to meet Jasmine and Aladdin!
Most of the day was really a free for all. We had a few fast passes to things like the Undersea adventure with Nemo and reservations for lunch and dinner, but really we just walked and found whatever we could that didn't have a horrible wait. It was hot, but there was a cool breeze and a little rain to make things bearable. Abi got carried by my husband much of the day because we didn't realize you could rent a stroller. Oops, lol. She didn't seem to want to do a whole lot, and was kinda grumpy until after lunch (no where near as grumpy as on Thursday at the Magic Kingdom..!)
It was a nice day, with a not-so-crowded park, and those few extra awesome moments that made every penny and grumpy moment so worth it.
We got to me Mulan, who was my favorite of the day! She really took time to interact with Abi and they had a conversation about the flowers on their clothes. It was so cute!
This is grumpy face. Even in front of Elsa. She's my teenager in the making... We are in so much trouble.
We had lunch at the aquarium, which was absolutely awesome! Unfortunately I didn't get to sit where I could really see the fish very well, and I had to keep turning away from my family to look. But the food was fabulous!
When we couldn't find things we really wanted to do, we went to the Disney film festival and that was such a trip! 3 short films in 3d/4d and oh man, to see the look on Abi's face was priceless! So I'm really glad we did that. Then we went to the Living with the Land ride (which was conveinently beneath our dinner at the Chip and Dales Harvest) That was really cool! Did you know Disney is trying to be self sustaining? They grow hundreds of crops and farm fish that are served in their restaurants!! The ride was really neat, and everyone enjoyed it. Even Abi wanted to go again!
Epcot was full of the random, lets do this or look over there. We were there way too late, and Abi passed out before we could even read her a book! That was, in my opinion, the best day of our trip.
Wednesday, we didn't go to a park because we felt we should have a rest day between them. It was a great idea because it rained a lot of the day. In the morning we went to the Polynesian resort for breakfast at the Kona Cafe, and what a nice little taste of Hawaii that was! It was so good we even decided to go back the next morning.
When we had a break in the weather, we went swimming in the piano shaped pool at our resort. Oh my goodness! Abi's first time swimming and she is such a little fish! She had a life jacket on and she just wanted to swim my herself! I couldn't believe it. I so enjoyed the swim, but man, getting out of the pool was tough.. I felt like 1,000 lbs. Yuck. Back in our room we had some rest time and a little tv/coloring/napping. Really it was just a nice relaxing day.
I'll finish up our trip in another post.. There's a lot more to say! :0)
Monday, February 29, 2016
Disney World!!
We just got back from our fabulous Disney vacation and I am so glad we went! The weather was beautiful, the parks weren't too badly crowded.. and Abi was FANTASTIC just about the entire trip! Here's a list of the firsts she experienced last week:
First family vacation
First flight on an airplane
First time sleeping in a hotel
First time to Disney
First time swimming in a pool
First time on a motor coach
First time on the Monorail
First time riding anywhere without her car seat
First time eating at a cafeteria type place
I'm sure there are so many more, but these are the ones that stand out for me right now. Abi was such a good girl the whole time, she rarely whined or fussed, she listened to us pretty well and oh my gosh when she met her favorite princess!!!! She was just absolutely amazed!
I'm not on my personal computer, so I'll have to share pictures later, but I did want to get a post started about our trip. I will finish later (hopefully tonight, so things are still fresh in my brain!)
First family vacation
First flight on an airplane
First time sleeping in a hotel
First time to Disney
First time swimming in a pool
First time on a motor coach
First time on the Monorail
First time riding anywhere without her car seat
First time eating at a cafeteria type place
I'm sure there are so many more, but these are the ones that stand out for me right now. Abi was such a good girl the whole time, she rarely whined or fussed, she listened to us pretty well and oh my gosh when she met her favorite princess!!!! She was just absolutely amazed!
I'm not on my personal computer, so I'll have to share pictures later, but I did want to get a post started about our trip. I will finish later (hopefully tonight, so things are still fresh in my brain!)
Friday, February 5, 2016
Last Night..
Last night I hit my breaking point. I cried in the shower for the first time since mom died.
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.
The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.
The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)