And I'm done

... second cycle of 100mg Clomid, it worked but there's no chance for me this cycle. Beyond anything, hubby has decided he's to stressed by actually trying and wants to go to a if it happens it happens.. pull the goalie thing. Hate to tell you hun, I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN anymore. If I don't take meds, there's no chance at all. He doesn't seem to care. He says we have one and I should be happy with that. But I'm not. I know there are people out there who don't have any children.. and I may be being selfish, but darn it I want another baby. I'm not happy, I feel there's a void in our lives, in our family. I need to be proactive about it, I cannot just let it happen. Because then it won't. I'm so stressed out about it all.. even though I'm trying not to be because I know the stress doesn't help. Still not having the best luck losing weight, on top of weird cycles, mixed with extra hormones I don't need make for a really bad combo when trying to get pregnant. So I guess I'm done. I get one more round of Clomid, and probably won't even get to baby dance around the time I'm need to bc hubby is being a stubborn butt. When we met we both wanted 2-4 kids.. then after Abi he wanted 1... just her... and it's taken me this long to talk him into trying for another... But now he doesn't want to try.. and I'm so frustrated and angry and I just want to be pregnant already... :-(

Success.. A little

Well.. It would appear that last cycle worked, and I actually ovulated. Which is good... But we are not pregnant so on to the next cycle. I am ordering some supplements for this round, as well as stocking up on less expensive ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests. Mostly because I am addicted to peeing on them. Sad. True.
I'm still working on getting healthier, tho it's not going too well. I'm just not able to kick the coffee and sweets. My comfort foods.. Especially now. There have been so many times recently that I just wanted to text or call my mom... And when I realize I can't I just lose it. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And it sucks. Mom's birthday is this Friday. We are taking my step dad to dinner, but it's just going to feel wrong without mom.

Snails pace

Things are not going the way I had hoped they would. I'm not sure clomid is going to work for me. Which begs the question, what next? I know there are a few other meds I can try, metformin for one. But I'll likely have to stop my other meds for a few months while I start that.. There's another med that takes the place of clomid, letrozole I believe.. It hasn't been approved by the fda for infertility as it has negative side effects on a pregnancy. But it's supposed to be out of the system by the time I'd get pregnant so it shouldn't be an issue. I don't know what route my dr will go. I'm thinking if this round doesn't work, that I'm going to take a few months to try to lose some weight  and try again around Christmas. And it will all have to be under hubby's radar bc he's been getting some anxiety and not wanting to do the deed so to speak. 

Speaking of losing weight... If I don't end up getting lucky this cycle, I'm starting shakeology and the 21 day fix through beach body. I have a friend who is a coach and he and his wife have had amazing results!! So I'm hoping this might be the something different to kick start my weight loss. We will see. 

Cycle two

So moving on to cycle two of the provera and clomid.. Just finished the last provera now just waiting on dear old Aunt Flo to come calling... Sigh.. All this waiting around.. I've been trying to be proactive about becoming healthier, but that is harder than it sounds. I've developed quite a few bad habits (such as eating too much fast food) since having Abi and I'm finding it hard to break them.. Very hard. I don't know why exactly, I was able to do it before.. Why can't I just not eat the crap now? Well actually I know why.. I'm addicted to the ease of it, Im lazy and don't want to cook and I really don't want to eat plain boring oatmeal every day for breakfast. I have to keep trying though because I think it's the only way I'll have another baby... plus I've got a future of diabetes hanging over my head if I don't shape up. Grrrrrrrr why is it so difficult to lose weight!??

Waiting...

I hate waiting. Just sitting around trying to live my life while waiting for so much to happen. Waiting to ovulate, to start my period.. To get pregnant.. Just waiting. Well, this cycle of Clomid failed, which I'm not surprised by after reading that many women don't ovulate on it the first cycle and have to have the dose increased. And now I'm waiting to be a week "late" .. Then I can call my dr and get on with starting my next cycle, I hope. I don't know if she'll do more blood work, or need to see me and check my temperature chart or what. I was never told the next step. And that's frustrating because I'm a planner and I don't like not knowing what's coming. Ugh. Im Trying not to stress out over any of this, because I know that will make things worse. I don't even know where I want this post to go, I'm just ... Tired. 

One Week

One week ago, tomorrow, I started a journey that I've been fearing. I began taking a pill that is intended to force my body to have a period... since I wasn't having any. Then, if that works, hopefully another pill that I will start to take will make me ovulate.. And I'm sure you know what that means. And I'm scared shitless that this won't work. My OB/GYN dove straight into medications, without a lot of investigation into why I'm not ovulating and having regular periods. And that scares me too. And I know that I've got one child and I should be happy with that..  (I love my daughter!!!!) I'm just freaked out right now. I've got several friends dealing with infertility, for several years now.. and I know I can't put myself in that category but I'm afraid someday I'll have to.

I Had a Feeling

So ever since hubby and I decided we were going to try for another baby, I had this feeling something was wrong. Hubby said he was on board, but then I went to the dr... since my cycles are so wonky, my dr wants to put me on Clomid to help me ovulate and when I told hubby that, things got weird. I had a feeling he wasn't too fond of the idea, and tonight he finally came clean. He says that since we were able to get pregnant before, there's no reason to go on medication. And not only that, he thinks that once we have a second kid, we will wish we only had one again.. that it will be a huge mistake to have another one. Wait, what!!?!?!? Yet he says that he's still on board with having another baby, he's just not as excited as I am. I am at a loss. I explained why the medication was something I wanted to go forward with. That it will increase our chances of getting pregnant sooner (afterall if I only ovulate every 3 or 4 months that's only 3 or 4 chances a YEAR to get pregnant, and I don't like those odds) then he throws in my face that I didn't want to go on hormonal birth control, but I'll take clomid to get pregnant. So I explained how taking a hormone 3 our of every 4 weeks for years on end is entirely different from taking a hormone for 5 days every month for a maximum of 6 months. Very different. I get the feeling he doesn't want to do this, that once I'm on meds and I know I'm ovulating he's going to give me a bunch of excuses on why we can't have sex right then. Because I don't think he really wants another baby, even though he says he's "on board with trying"... that's not the same thing as wanting another kid. He's got me a little confused and now I'm not quite sure what to do. I know what I want, but I'm not sure I want to put the stress on our relationship of trying/wanting/pushing for another baby when hubby doesn't really want one. He said he'll never "want more kids" the way I do and I'm wondering if he really means he doesn't want more. Period. When we first got together we both expressed a desire to have 2 to 4 kids. I know people change and ideals and opinions change, but dang if I had known back then that he wouldn't even want 2....I don't know... maybe I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I don't know what to think right now.  I can't force him, I wouldn't want to anyway. But if we have another baby, one he doesn't really want.. he's going to be even less involved than he is now. (part of that is that he's the main provider for the family and he works a lot..) but I am going to need his help so much more than ever and I just wonder if his heart isn't in it now.. if it will ever change, even after the baby is born. I had an epihany earlier and I hesitate to put this out into the universe, but... my husband kind of puts a damper on all of my excitements. Anything I get excited over, he has to tell me something bad about it. I never really realized it but he's a very negative person. Well, I'm sure I knew it deep down, but I don't think I put a true name to it. He's majorly pessimistic when it comes to a lot of things. So he's only thinking about all the negatives of having another baby. More money, more worry, more poop, more diapers, less free time, the kids won't play together, he doesn't want a boy (because he was a very bad kid and he's afraid our boy would be just like him) if we have a boy he and Abi will never play together, and on and on and on with the negativity. I was always told I was a very negative person, but geeze-o-man my husband takes the prize for most negative. I hate thinking about him that way, because I truly do love my hubby and I know he loves me too. It's hard to change a bad habit that is so ingrained, and I know that. But I just wish I knew what to do next...