Never met a man like you before..

So the frustration continues with spurts of calmness intertwined. My uncle came over today and basically accused me of not knowing how to do the laundry. Seriously. I have been doing laundry since I can remember. My grandmother made damn sure I knew how to do household chores properly so I'm pretty sure I know how to do the laundry. But it got into my grandfather's head that I'm the cause of the dryer leaking water. How wonderful. So that starts an argument and stresses me out, yet again. I can't wait to get out of here already. It's been about 2 months and my patience is wearing terribly thin. Which puts a strain on my relationship with hubby. Not a good thing. I can't wait till we can get back out on our own again, in our own house, to be able to do our own thing and not get criticized every step of the way.
Up until today, the past few days haven't been so bad. Hubby and I have been talking more, we got out the other day for a few hours which was really nice.. so things were better.. until today. :( boo.

Having a bad day

So the past couple of days have been pretty rough for me. To say that I've been going through mood swings is an understatement. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way, but I really don't know how to kick it. I'm tired, literally, from getting up twice a night to help grandpa to the bathroom. I have a hard time falling back to sleep after I've been up, so I really don't get as much sleep as I need. Coffee can only do so much, since more that one cup a day gives me heartburn. Besides I know I shouldn't drink a ton of coffee anyway. Especially since we are supposed to be trying for a baby in the next few months. Speaking of, I think that's at the root of my moods lately. I'm constantly bombarded by images, facebook statuses, friends pictures, commercials and so many other baby related things that all I can do is think about the fact that we aren't in a place to start trying. And once we are ready, we may have trouble... which really depresses me since I can't go to the doctor to find out what's (possibly) going on. It's just all too stressful, and I know I'm supposed to try to relax and not stress out.. but there's just too much going on in my life right now to not stress out. A vicious cycle is what it is! Not to mention that all this stress makes me want to eat, and I'm supposed to be on weight watchers. So I eat a little more than I should, which translates into less weight loss if any. I know I need to exercise more but right now grandpa is sitting in a chair directly in front of our elliptical and that makes me not want to work out. :( Plus with all the darn rain we've been having we can't go bike riding. Which would be very nice to do because not only would if provide exercise it would give me a chance to get out of this house! grr.

But, on the bright side; my husband loves me. He noticed today that I've been in a funk lately and felt that I needed cheering up. So, he braved the rain and went to buy me flowers. They're bright and cheery and just what the Dr. ordered to provide a little pick me up today. A beautiful reminder that my husband does love me. We also got the chance to get out and do a little shopping (tho it was for grandpa) and we got to have dinner at one of our favorite places. So today wasn't too terribly bad, not really. Grandpa is a little frustrating, but I know he's upset that he can't do more around here.
I guess I'm just tired... maybe we'll go to bed early tonight.

No jobs = no bueno

So hubby found out today that the job he REALLY really wanted, the one that would basically set us up for a good long time with health insurance, retirement, a way to save money.. decided to hire someone else. He's so bummed, but he's trying to act like he doesn't care all that much. I know he cares and I know this is really upsetting him. I prayed for this job to pan out, it fit him so perfectly and I know he would have been happy there. I really don't understand why we've been having such crap luck lately. If God want's us to be in a different place, I wish I would get direction as to where we're supposed to go. I don't want to be uber wealthy.. I don't want to be on UEC forever. I'm in school to better myself, isn't that where I should be?  Poor hubby graduated from a good program and can't find any work in his field. Does that mean he should go back for something else? Should we uproot and move to another state? How can we move with my grandpa incapacitated? How can we justify a move without work and with me going to school here? It's not that I couldn't switch schools, but that will take a lot of research to find one with a comparable program to mine. Not that big of a deal really.. but the cost of moving? Right now, with little to no money coming in... How the hell are we supposed to survive on our own? I might be able to get a job where I used to work but... that will severely damage my mental health status. I hated that job so much, and going back for a third time might just kill me. I know for a fact that it will not help my marriage to go back there. I really miss my last job.. I loved working there, and the people I worked with. And when they laid me off I felt like I got dumped by a boyfriend. I actually pine over my old job sometimes.. how pathetic. ANYWAY.. I'd like to say I pray for guidance, which is probably what I should do instead of praying for specific things.. I'm just afraid that since I'm not the best catholic, my prayers will all go unanswered..

This is frustrating.

Slowly slipping...

So hubby is acting a little depressed lately. I'm sure it has to do with him not having a job. It's only been a few weeks since he graduated, but he's told me that it's really getting on his nerves. He's applied for a handful of places that will utilize his degree, even had an interview. That was two weeks ago. He wants to use his degree and I don't blame him for that.. but... while he says he just wants to be working, he hasn't applied for other jobs that he's qualified for. He says that if they don't use his degree, they are a last resort for him. Well, my feelings on that? You can't have it both ways. Either you want to be working so bad you apply for everything and take whatever you can get, or you don't want to work THAT badly and just apply for select jobs that utilize your recent degree. Now, I'm not saying that hubby is lazy. But if he's going to get all depressed about not having a job or any money coming in, then he needs to bite the bullet and take any job that will employ him right now. He doesn't want to work at a go nowhere job, and I totally understand that! But if he thinks we can afford to wait months more for him to start working, he's got another thing coming. We've got to start saving for a house. And he says that I don't have to work while I'm going to school, which is fine because I do still have UEC coming in. But even that isn't going to last me through another year of school, let alone two. And it sure as hell isn't enough to pay the bills we do have AND save for a house. So I'm looking for work now too. Tho, now that I am my grandfather's primary care giver, I'm not going to be able to go to school and work AND take care of grandpa. Argh. I really hate not having any money.. and hubby feels the same way. But really? If he's that upset about it.. I wish he'd start applying for other work. Just to start getting some money coming in. And I'm sure he'd feel better once he started working. I know I will feel better once I'm able to start working again.

Am I ready for this?

For those of you who know me, do you think I am a kind, giving, caring person? Personally, I know I am.. to a point. I want to be a good person, and maybe just by wanting to be good, I am good. I try to do good things too. Never mind my slight prejudices, I don't do things to deliberately hurt people and when I have negative thoughts I generally feel bad about them... So I'm good, right? Well, lately I don't feel like a good person... Here's why: I've been taking care of my grandfather. He's always been there for me growing up, and so continuing his helping me he has let us live with him so we can save up a down payment on a house. He recently had rotator cuff surgery and is having a hard time getting around and other stuff we usually take for granted. The first night home (day of surgery) he had a hard time getting comfortable in bed. We tried for an hour to get him comfy, and finally settled on him sitting in a chair to sleep. Well, I was tired as I'm sure he was as well .. but no one got much sleep that night. The next day and night were filled with getting up from the chair, going to the bathroom, settling in the chair again (which now has more steps to it than prepping for surgery) eating meals, taking pills, refilling water, adjusting the sling for the zillionth time even tho he's not SUPPOSED to loosen it for another 3 days... by night time I was pretty tired. Then at 4:30am I am jarred awake by my grandfather shouting my name from the hallway. How the hell he got up is beyond both of us, but he couldn't get through on my cell phone (our communication system when I'm not in the same room as him.. he simply calls me and he doesn't have to shout) I don't know what was wrong with my phone but call forwarding was set.. anyway we now have a house phone in our room.. I didn't get any sleep after that, for fear that grandpa would need me and couldn't reach me. So onto Thursday.. more of the same, tho grandpa is slowly getting more of his strength back he still calls me every half hour or so to do something.. it started to wear on my nerves. I get a few hours to get out and buy my summer school books and suddenly I don't want to go back home! By this time I am so exhausted from getting up in the middle of the night and really early in the morning that I am falling asleep at the wheel. Of course, I can't leave my husband alone with my grandfather all day! How selfish would that be?!? SO I go home, and spend yet another night helping grandpa try to get comfortable in bed, only to move him back to the chair again so that he can actually sleep. Up and down until 1am, then a few hours rest.. a phone call.. I almost broke so hubby was kind enough to help grandpa to the bathroom this time.. I know this all seems like nothing. But I'm getting frustrated. And grandpa is so particular, he has to have everything JUST RIGHT. I'm trying to keep calm and not snip or argue because he doesn't need that. So because I am feeling so frustrated, I've begun to wonder if I'm really all that good of a person. I'm not a very patient caretaker. And now I've been wondering.. if I can't even handle this, how the HELL am I going to handle a baby?? Babies can't tell you what's wrong so that you can fix it. They cry all hours of the night, and I will probably get even less sleep than I have the past week. I'm exhausted now, what will having a baby do to me??  And will I be able to handle another living being being totally dependent on me, when I'm starting to break having someone only mostly dependent on me??? Is this just God's idea of practice or is it his way of showing me I'm not fit to be a mother?? I wish I knew...

More ready than ever

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS THINGS YOU MAY CONSIDER TMI. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ;)
In a way, I feel so much more mature than I was 5 years ago. In other ways, I feel like exactly the same person. I know I have grown, I know I am different thanks in part to my loving husband. I am better able to express myself in a productive manner (most of the time.) I cannot, however, always find the words to express how very much I want to be a mother. And I'm scared to become a parent I truly am. But I know that I can do it, and that I have an amazing partner to help me. So many of my friends have babies or are pregnant or both and I am just jealous! But I know that's not a good reason to have a baby. We have no money, no jobs right now, no insurance, we live with my grandfather, I'm still in school.. not to mention that there's NO room in this house for a baby and all the stuff that comes with a baby... I feel stuck, even moreso now than I did before we moved here. I guess it's all because we have no money. No money means we cannot move forward, can't buy a house, can't expand our family.. just can't do anything. Yes I'm trying to find work, even though I am going to school. I hated having to work and go to school full time, but I guess that it's just something I'll have to suck up and do anyway. Hopefully, hubby gets the dream job he had an interview for a week ago. That job means money and benefits and trying for a baby soon... it means saving for a house and dr.s' appointments to see if I will have trouble conceiving. Yes, trouble. It seems as tho I am not ovulating. How do I know I'm not ovulating? Well, other than the lack of menstrual periods, I have been tracking my basal body temperature. I have erratic temps. Could just be stress, but I am ALWAYS stressed to some degree. If it's not stress, it's something else, something requiring medication and I need insurance for that. Why can't I just be normal or average and ovulate every month? I mean, don't get me wrong, fewer periods per year is great, but once we start trying to have a baby... that just means less chances to conceive. Scary. What if I'm one of those women who can't have kids? We've already decided that we'd adopt if that were the case.. but I will still miss out on being pregnant, and honestly I want that experience too! I know it's too early to start freaking out about it, but that's what I do. I worry. Which doesn't help with the not ovulating... which doesn't help with the stress. It's a vicious cycle. And if I'm not worrying about that I'm worrying over money and not having enough. We have plenty to get us through right now.. but it's not enough to start trying for a baby or buy a house. I want to be good and do the right thing, but it's so very tempting to just give in and start trying now. But I want to give our future children the very best start I can.. which means prenatal visits to the dr... argh... why can't this be easier??