We just got back from our fabulous Disney vacation and I am so glad we went! The weather was beautiful, the parks weren't too badly crowded.. and Abi was FANTASTIC just about the entire trip! Here's a list of the firsts she experienced last week:
First family vacation
First flight on an airplane
First time sleeping in a hotel
First time to Disney
First time swimming in a pool
First time on a motor coach
First time on the Monorail
First time riding anywhere without her car seat
First time eating at a cafeteria type place
I'm sure there are so many more, but these are the ones that stand out for me right now. Abi was such a good girl the whole time, she rarely whined or fussed, she listened to us pretty well and oh my gosh when she met her favorite princess!!!! She was just absolutely amazed!
I'm not on my personal computer, so I'll have to share pictures later, but I did want to get a post started about our trip. I will finish later (hopefully tonight, so things are still fresh in my brain!)
Countdown to baby!
Monday, February 29, 2016
Friday, February 5, 2016
Last Night..
Last night I hit my breaking point. I cried in the shower for the first time since mom died.
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.
The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...
Last night I realized many things:
1. I am broken, it's not everyone else, it can't be... and so of course it's me.
2. I will never have another baby. Nor should I.
3. I am not the best wife and mother, not even close. Not even good enough.
4. I have so many issues I can't fix everything and so I don't try
5. Trying scares me.
6. My life is getting harder by the day.
7. My mom and dad are both gone, so I don't belong to either side of my family.
8. I just want to cry and mostly I don't because I can't let Abi see me, she wouldn't understand.
9. I feel like I'm messing my kid up.. it isn't enough to just keep her alive anymore. I have to be the role model of the person I want her to be. But I'm finding it hard to do that.
10. I need to go back to my therapist, but I don't think it will help.
11. I feel this huge disconnect between me and hubby and I don't know how to fix it.
12. I almost understand how my mom could let herself die.
13. I still haven't forgiven either of my parents for leaving me.
14. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.. except at home. And even there not really.
15. I'm so socially awkward, probably because of my low self esteem. Gaining 50 lbs in a year will do that to you.
The list could go on and on and some day I might just add the rest. I don't know what to do about any of it. I think that losing weight will help, but it's such an uphill battle at this point I don't know how I'll ever actually be able to do it. I need a personal trainer, and a nutritionist and a personal chef.. heck send me to a "fat farm." Mom and I always said we wanted to go to one together, and I think that that would be the only way I'd lose the weight. I need to have all my options taken away from me, and all food choices made for me. Of course, that won't help once I'm back in my own home, with all my stress and issues. I need to snuggle my kiddo...
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