RIP

One week from my baby's third birthday .. God unexpectedly called my mom home to heaven. I was not ready for this... I am in shock and denial and I just want to wake up from this nightmare. My mom was only 53.. We had so much we wanted to do, I had so many more questions to ask her... Now there's so much left unanswered, the only planing is a funeral.. I'm taping pictures of happier days on a poster board and wishing I could turn back the clock to those days.

Abi is 3.. wait, what??

You read that right, my baby is THREE years old! Holy cow! I am so confused as to how in the world three years have passed since my baby came into this world. But I may be in denial a little bit, so moving on, lol.

Hubby and I both had her birthday off, so we planned to take her to a COSI like place called Imagination Station. If you don't know what that is, they have tons of educational sciency areas/exhibits and it's all based around having fun but learning at the same time. It's pretty cool, and the few times I've taken Abi before she's loved it. Well, they're closed on Mondays, and we didn't find out until Monday morning before we were getting ready to leave. SO then we decided to take her to the Zoo's new aquarium because it was supposed to have opened back in February. Nope. Got all the way there and found out they changed the opening to today. GRRRR. So we took Abi to a pet store. Yup. One with fish and birds, a bunny and ferrets. She got to look around and ooh and aah over the animals for a bit, which she actually really enjoyed. Then we went to lunch, where they brought her a birthday sundae and she had her first ever experience with the waitstaff singing happy birthday. She was stoked! We had blown up a bunch of balloons for her so when we got home we had a big balloon fight in the living room and just spent the day enjoying each others company. With as much as we wanted to do and couldn't, she still had an awesome birthday. We sang happy birthday to her periodically throughout the day and she just loved that. Then at bed time she asked "what's tomorrow going to be?" I said.. "Tuesday" her response? "Oh.. no, it's gonna be my birthday number 2!!" Hehe.. that girl! :)

Some shots from her 3 year pictures.

I love this little girl more than anything!

And for a little comparison.. Abi at 1 year old, and Abi at 3! 

Changes..

There has been a lot going on lately. Not all of it good, and mostly I've just been crying. So since I lost my job at the big hospital, I've been hired at a small women's clinic to do ultrasounds 2 times a week. I've been volunteering there since September and they want an RDMS on staff to make them even more legitimate. Since we're pro life, a lot of the pro choice groups want to shut places like us down. So having registered sonographers and licensed nurses on staff help us to prove we're not just a "fake clinic". I love the people there, everyone is so kind and compassionate and I love the work we do. It's very powerful to watch a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, see her baby for the first time and make the decision for life. We don't force any decision, we give info on adoption and abortion as well. We like to show truth; truth of what's going on inside her body, truth in the processes of adoption and abortion, truth in all a woman's options. Of course, we want her to choose life, but we will not force her or pressure her because no matter what path she chooses we want to help her through the process and gain her trust so that she will want to come back if she ever needs anything in the future. I feel like God has led me to this organization to bring me back to my spirituality, to find my faith again. ..

So we move on to the crying... Our daughter attends a daycare 3 days a week. During those days I'm supposed to be able to go on interviews, have dr. appointments and clean house. It's also a break for me from the terrible threes my daughter has entered. Hubby hates daycare and I truly believe he thinks I should be a full time stay at home mom. I'm not at all the type of person who wants or could even handle being a stay at home mom. And I hate admitting it, and it's not like I don't love my daughter because I do. I just feel that for me to be the best mom I can be I need to work, to get out of the house and away from that particular responsibility and recharge myself. But I digress.. our daycare is a big name one and they have several centers in region. Well, recently one of the centers (the only one with a male employee) has had an employee arrested for rape. We've never been to this center, but just because it carries the same name my husband immediately says he wants to pull Abi out of daycare. He says he's never trusted anyone else and now that the daycare has proven they cannot provide for a safe environment he wants to take her out... says she doesn't "need" to be in daycare. He is the sole provider for our family, I don't make enough to sustain us so if I quit or lose my job it's "no big deal." I trust the ladies at our center, I like them and I believe they are doing everything in their power to provide a safe, fun, educational environment for Abi. SO yesterday we had an argument over all of this. And now I've lost any chance of having another baby because hubby doesn't want to "worry about another one this much".. We finally came to the conclusion that I can keep her in daycare, assuming I trust them, hubby trusts me. But this was after many tears and a lot of talking.. and I'm still not happy with the results. Basically if anything happens to Abi now, hubby will fully blame me.. talk about pressure. Now I question every decision I've ever made. I'm second guessing daycare and everyone there... And it just... sucks. How do I balance what is good and right for me with what is good and right for Abi? I don't want to put my needs above hers, but to be a good mother I do need certain things.. I have to be healthy in order to have a healthy family. I don't think hubby realizes that. I get that he's worried about Abi and her safety, so am I. But my mental health matters too. Doesn't it?

Update in progress

Looking to update the look of my blog.. it's been a while. But I'm running out of time, so please bare with me until I have a few extra moments to actually play with it more. :)~

When a door closes, God opens a window

And my widow opens to another job opportunity. Amazingly, the clinic where I have been volunteering is now hiring for an RDMS (registered diagnostic medical sonographer, which I am) to fulfill their "medical services manager" position. I haven't heard of this before, so I'm thinking it's a new position created to alleviate some of the stress from the nurse manager. I interview tomorrow and I cannot tell you how excited I am! I love volunteering there and I just have to keep my fingers crossed that they will hire me. It will be awkward if they don't.. to have to answer to someone else who hasn't been there, who doesn't know the protocols or people. I don't plan on not volunteering anymore, I'll just have to pray for the patience to wait my turn at another job. Hubby really thinks I have a good shot at this job, but I'm not quite as confident. I want it, but that doesn't mean they want me to fill it. I'll find out tomorrow. Wish me luck!