Pain in my heart

I am struggling.. like really struggling lately. I'm having a hard time managing all of the things that I'm supposed to be doing, like being a good wife and mother. My house is a disaster. To the point that I won't let anyone with a baby come over (or anyone for that matter) because it's so awful. It's to the point I can't even prioritize what needs to get done with what can wait and it all just gets half-assed or not done at all. Laundry doesn't get folded for forever. Dishes.. don't get me started on the dishes.They NEVER END. Ever. It's not just toys on the floor, it's everything, everywhere. Abi is not learning how to keep a clean house from me because apparently I don't know how. It's driving me insane and yet when I try to get something done, Abi will play for a while then come ask me to play with her. Depending on the time of day, I can get away with a few "in a few minutes honey" but by afternoon she's in tears and I'm completely broken because I feel like I'm failing. My husband must think I'm the worst wife ever.. No he doesn't tell me that, but when he comes home day after day and can't see much if any change in the house I know he's thinking "what the hell does she do all day?" I don't work full time, only 3 days a week. So the other 2 I have to devote to the house and my kid and I just haven't found a way to do both. PLUS I don't even want to stay home anymore. I want to go out and shop, or just be out and away from the house. We'll go to our local museum of art, or our local science center (Imagination Station) because I want to do things to enrich Abi's mind and not just stay home doing the same old thing all day. This of course does not lend to a clean house, because by the time we get home, Abi is done with the day and ready for all of my attention. Odd, because I just spent all morning giving her as much of my attention as I could. But that's just not in her logic at only almost 4. I can't blame her. This brings me to another issue...

I keep thinking how great it would be if we had had another baby when Abi was about 2. She'd have a playmate. It'd be great. Now if I have another baby, they'll be almost 5 years apart. Not so fun for Abi and I'll be doing the baby stuff (good and bad) over again. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to add to our family.

 And as of now, I have 3 friends pregnant. All between 11-13 weeks along. I just found out about them this past week and I've died a little inside each time someone has come forward to tell me. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO happy for them!!! But so sad for me. For one friend it will be her first child (she suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks with her last pregnancy so *technically* second, but this will be her rainbow baby.) For another friend it is her 3rd, and yet another friend is pregnant with her 4th! I see a pattern that I am praying and hoping I'll fit into this year... So 1st baby, 3rd baby and 4th baby... We are missing someone pregnant with their 2nd baby... Please God let that be me. I would love to be pregnant along with some of my friends ( I was early-mid pregnancy with Abi while a friend was mid-end pregnancy with her 2nd, that was fun) I keep thinking.. if I get rid of all of Abi's baby stuff, will that "jinx" me? So I've gotten rid of some of the smaller things.. I figure I'll keep the swing and jumper, but her clothes? They've got to go. They're taking up too much of our basement and I'm so down about not being able to get pregnant this past year, I just want them gone. So, I'm going to offer them to my friends if they find out they're having girls. Otherwise I'm going to have a big ol garage sale this summer and sell what I can. The rest will be either donated or sold to a local children's resale shop. Who am I kidding, keeping all that anyway? Other than my few favorite outfits, I'd just be buying new stuff for a new baby. It'd be nice to have at least some hand-me-downs but really... at this point... I'm not holding my breath that there's going to be another. And that makes me so deeply, soulfully sad.