Graduation and some catch up

Today is my college graduation. I am not going because when I got my massage diploma certificate I went to that graduation and it was not very fun. This time around is from a much larger school and it will be late (starts at 6:30pm) which means it will run past Abi's bedtime, and going without my family just doesn't sound enjoyable. I never went out with the girls in my program, except for a few, to lunch, once. I have put my family first before any and all social activities since Abi was born and I'm now realizing that has had a huge negative impact on me. I'm very socially awkward, even seeing friends from high school, whom I interact with on Facebook is strained and uncomfortable in person. So sad. Part of that is my plummeting self esteem... I've gained 50lbs since having Abi... Yikes! I'm very close to my heaviest weight again and I just hate myself for letting it get this bad. The thing I've realized though is that I'm addicted to food. I've caught myself eating when I'm not even hungry. Every time I eat something salty I immediately want something sweet, and vs. versa. It's insane. But I've also realized that I hide my bad food choices from my husband in the same way my mother hid her drinking from my grandparents and my uncle hid his painkillers. I'm supposed to be on weight watchers but I haven't logged in in a few weeks. I get defensive when my husband asks me about it, and in a way it makes me want to hide my eating from him even more. What the hell is wrong with me? I think that now that I've realized this might actually be an addiction I'm going to talk to my counselor and see if she has any methods to help me get away from this food-food-food mentality. I may even try hypnotism. My mom has lost 130lbs in the past year, and while she's got lots of saggy skin, she still looks amazing. I want to look amazing again. I want to have more energy to play with Abi and keep her active too. I want my daughter to see me eating better foods, because now she wants to "bite mommy food" constantly. I had gestational diabetes and I really don't want to become a diabetic, but I know I'm on that road... and I can't seem to stop myself. I now understand why there are people in this world who are 500 and 600lbs. I have  a strong family history of addiction so I've kept my alcohol consumption in check and I don't experiment with anything illegal, and never have. I've been on the straight and narrow as far as the "addictive" vices because I didn't want to become an addict like so many in my family. Sadly it would seem, I am actually an addictive personality... and my vice is food. I have got to get a handle on this before it's too late. I haven't even admitted this to my husband yet, but I had to get it out. I can't talk to my mother, she will tell me to stop being lazy (which is no help) and we both just get defensive when we talk anyway. Anyway, I'd better get back to cleaning up this house.. it has been neglected with me being in school and my husband being on shift..